last post of december/2008

I wanted to write a much more detailed post about the end of the year and all that this one entailed, which was a lot - but got distracted and decided I'd wait.

I sold the 8 track, and inherited a 4 track - so I started going through some of my tapes today.

I posted one song eddie and I recorded sometime in 2000/2001 on the message board.

then I got to the congress of the crow demo
I mean xcongressofthecrowx - we recorded 8 songs August 8, 2000. 8 - 8/8/∞
oh man. I haven't heard this since I mixed it back in August of 2000 (I'm assuming the same day that I recorded this on a 4 track).
unfortunately I lost the actual 4 track tape so we get the mixed down version, with tape warble and all.
the original cassette tape was 8 songs + the sample, which gets cut off on the tapes, but Jeremy insisted that we use it on the red heroine cd. I still don't know what movie it's from.
2 songs should be recognizable. and one other song is actually a "cover" (I don't know if that's really a cover, I wrote it) of a photograph to remember you by - the band Jarod, Jeremy, Adam and I were in at the end of 1997.

I remember recording these songs in my parent's basement, we would sneak all the equipment in while they were at work to practice and record, threaten my brother and sister not to tell on us and then leave. It worked for the entirety of the band.

Vocals were split up between the three of us, I'm mostly on the left and eddie and jeremy are mostly on the right, I think.

I couldn't scream that fast and I don't remember much of the lyrical content, so listening back to these, I am laughing at all of us!
Jeremy picked the song titles out from medical dictionaries. And for some reason put an Albert Camus quote in our linear notes - I'm pretty sure he's never read any Albert Camus outside of one-liners, and other quoted passages. "A profound thought is a constant process of becoming." which is actually a misquote as it should be - "A profound thought is in a constant process of becoming."

tracks 8+9 are from an earlier demo session/practice, I don't remember when it happened.
I don't know the song title to one song, and the other one Jeremy yells it out before we play it.
I don't really remember why or how it happened but by november we had recruited John Cheesebrew to sing for us, and resulted in the name change. I spoke of this in an earlier post. I think the practice space may have played a small part in this decision.

now that I think about it, it's possible the 8 songs were recorded on John McCormick's digital 8 track, but I don't think so - but that would explain why I don't have the original tracks/tapes - it's possible they are in my missing fire proof safe - which holds all the original recording sessions for a few bands, the test presses of all the records, and some other things, that I can't remember.

anyway, here's the demo + 2 bonus tracks.


I don't know why I haven't posted this before.
Dead Letter Auction recorded 5 songs in September 2003 with Mike Lust in Chicago at Phantom Manor.
We never released these songs, though they are floating around on the internets and stuff.
I think we didn't release them in part because Chris broke up the band again, by moving someplace silly - recording/engineering school in Phoenix, maybe? and then John got himself a family and all that - so we couldn't tour on the ep.
The bridge and the message were written with the intention of being on a split 7" with Ten Grand - that didn't happen because Matt passed away.
We wrote a few more songs and decided to record them all before Chris left us. Actually a part of the song [the Morrow] has a song that sounds an awful lot like a Ten Grand part (my guitar on the intro), and in part [the Mourning] was written for Matt, among other people and things. so this last ep was shaped very much by that.
all songs are titled with a "the" intentionally, with the last 4 being "the M_______" also intentionally.
these songs weren't exactly finished when we entered the studio. I didn't have the words written for one song, and the other I had never really sang, or even worked out the phrasing for the second half.
I love these songs a lot, and I think they showed a real promising direction that we were heading. Lyrics really sum up everything I was feeling at the time and was a perfect reflection of that specific moment as well as the band.

Dead Letter Auction - the Bridge

I found a bunch of old DLA things with some really interesting early versions of songs and such. I'm hoping to find some of the songs we didn't record in the studio. I found a tape from August 2001, I forgot that we actually had cancer of time, foreshadow, and excise written before we recorded vertigo. I knew foreshadow was that old, because the words "I want to see their buildings lay down" became an issue when 9/11 happened. anyway, these songs and things will probably get posted sometime next year.

also, I messed up January by posting 13 posts instead of just 1 -
and August I only posted 3 posts, instead of 8. but who's really counting?

last post of 2008.

what an interesting last couple of days.
I was stationed at a friend's, house/dog sitting. I watched a lot of movies and read The Cambridge Introduction to Foucault in one sitting. I'm really into this series, the Benjamin one was great and even covered some stuff I wasn't aware of. With Foucault, I'm at least familiar with all the works looked at, and enjoy having these shorter overviews. It did make me realize I need to re-read the History of Sexuality. I still standby my earlier disappointment in that it doesn't look at the ethical relationship in the other, or the partner, the emotional effects, and doesn't count for love all that much. Overall I think this reflects what I feel is just one of the selfish motivations Foucault had in writing The History of Sexuality, another being due to his sexual preference. I think I am becoming more and more disappointed in Foucault the more I look at him, and his delivery of ideas, critically. Mostly in the fact that he tends to make up a lot of his "facts" and seems to be self serving. Apparently he's more of a smartass than can be translated from French to English, which would be redeeming, however only slightly. I think, again, what attracts me to him, is his change at the end of his life, where he did become more interested in the ethics of the care of the self, an unfortunate death leads us to wonder where he would have gone with those ideas. His work is still very important, and very much needed, and did make many advancements in the fields of social science and thought. I don't mean to focus on the negative here, as he is a major influence, and will continue to be so...

One of the movies I watched, Man on Wire, had music by Michael Nyman, and I was fairly disappointed with his recycling of themes, melodies, and parts of the Gattaca soundtrack, which I mentioned a few posts back. I was so taken by hearing the music that I had to pause the movie to look up who did the soundtrack, to confirm my suspicion. At first I thought it was really cool, but along the way got somewhat annoyed by what is nearly a remix of the songs. The movie looks at Philippe Petit, a tightrope walker and street performer, who tight rope walked the Twin Towers.

Friday night, a cab driver asked me where I was going, before I answered he said, wherever it is, I'll take you for $6. I was going home, and this was at least 1/2 of what it had been, I wasn't looking for a cab, but am always up for an adventure, something told me I'd be in for one. To further justify this, my metrocard had expired, so I would have had to buy a new one. I wish I wanted to go somewhere else, but after being stationed at the other house, I actually wanted to return, to shower, shave, sleep in my bed, see my things. Oddly enough, the cab driver had to be in my area to pick up his wife shortly, and had time to kill. He knew my neighborhood well, and I didn't have to give him directions - when I first moved out here, I didn't know how to get home, and the cab drivers would always get so mad at me. I now know how to get home from just about any point in the city and don't have to tell the drivers how to get there. Occasionally one will tell me a different way to get home, which is always useful. Anyway, this cab driver is Pastor Pete, and he says he's "Rolling for Jesus" in an attempt to get people out of the churches and in a meaningful relationship with God. He collects food from restaurants and bakeries and gives it to homeless people. He has had a few documentaries made about him, and had been in other movies as well. He gave me his number and told me to call him if I ever needed anything. I noticed a small camera on the windshield filming the backseat, but didn't inquire why, I assume it's for protection, and so on. He told me a few stories about how he's talked people from jumping off the bridge, "the bridge will be there in a month from now, let's talk about it, give me a month." and other things, including falling outs with people involved in one of the movies he was in - essentially a crazy jew out to make money - which made me laugh at his fake accent and stereotyping.

Saturday I saw the roadshow version of Che (the two films, The Argentine and Guerrilla) by Steven Soderbergh. It ran 4 hours and 17 minutes, with an intermission (during which I played phone tag) adding roughly 20 more minutes. Soderbergh was there in person the night before, had I known, I would have definitely gone to that one, but I would have missed out on the cab ride. The movie was amazing, of course. Benicio again turns in an amazing performance, easily one of the best actors of all time, not just in his acting, but what he brings to the movies in terms of ideas and how he shapes the movie. I make note of the car chase scene in Way of the Gun, as that was his idea, and wasn't in the script. The two movies serve as a dichotomy of the success of the Cuban Revolution and the failure of his time in Bolivia - which led to his execution. I highly recommend seeing them both. I have an extra program if anyone is interested. It's really just the credits and some photos/stills from the movie. The roadshow version didn't include credits, I'm assuming to cut down on time.

at some point in the night, KXLU broadcast Drowning With Our Anchors and Portraits of Past playing from The Smell. It was the first remote broadcast, and there were some issues with the streaming. Both bands certainly didn't turn in their best sets, and the whole reason I was excited to hear the show was at the prospect of the possibility of hearing new songs. Drowning didn't play any new songs, and KXLU had a change of program, so the broadcast was cut short, and the listeners didn't hear all of the Portraits of Past set. I recorded it, but it's unlistenable, with the stuttering stream, and the audio mix.

Now it's Sunday, I'm about to go ice skating with the girl I babysat fall 2007- spring 2008, which ended due to her moving to Kansas. It's currently 64 and grey, how I recall the weather being most of the time we spent together, so it's fitting.

Also in closing, I want to leave with 2 notes one on the successful student sit in at the New School - which you can read about here - www.newschoolinexile.com -
and lastly, in the Cambridge Introduction to Michel Foucault, Lisa Downings refers to a passage by Nietzsche in which she says he plays the part of evangelist, turning the tables on Christians using their method of "fire and brimstone" to deliver the following:
"I call Christianity the one great curse, the one great innermost corruption, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means is poisonous, stealthy, subterranean, small enough - I call it the one immortal blemish of mankind." - Nietzsche - The Antichrist - [pg 656 - The Portable Nietzsche].
I am not sure if I agree with her, as that being his intention, of if he actually meant it, either way, I mean it wholeheartedly.

the end of the semester is (almost) here

...I just have to turn some stuff in at 9am tomorrow. I'm probably going to stay up. Then I have my German final on Tuesday - seemingly very late, considering the next day is Christmas eve. Only one class has been posted so far, and I got an A, not an A-, so that's at least 2. I was terrible this semester and didn't really deserve those 2 A's. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get A's in the other classes, but I was expecting that, we'll see sometime next week or so.

Now it's time to look for a new job, and clean and organize my room again. Hopefully work on some things I haven't had time to do, I'll use the due to school excuse, but there's really no reason I can't handle school, work, extracurricular studies, bands, AND hanging out, but I sometimes don't even get out of bed, because I am overwhelmed with just the prospect of getting dressed. I am extremely anxious for the departure of current roommates and the arrival of the new ones. I am going to finally have a party after Alex arrives.

I bought my tickets for Hawaii, I'll be there February 4-8th. It was only $400 round trip, and yes it's short, but I don't want to miss a lot of school like I did at the start of this semester with our reunion shows and the visitors and all. I think I'm going to Vegas the 12th-16th (also in February) cause I have a break, it really depends on a job. I'm thinking about spring break already. It's kinda long, April 8-April 19th (the 20th being Monday + my birthday), I don't know what I want to do. I'd like to spend time with friends again, but I should probably work as much as I can so I can have more money to spend in Japan on sake.

No summer classes. I am not doing the Berlin program after all. So that means I'll be working in New Hampshire in August, and then I start on my teaching degree at Hunter, barring some major change in plans, or what have you.

New bands still haven't done anything due to cancellations and schedule conflicts. At some point in the winter/early spring Jarod is coming to NYC and we're recording Tarpit for the comp. I'd like him to play on Kracked with me as well, but we'll see. I have some pretty cool artwork ideas for it that are based on Maura Jaspers original cover for "you're living all over me" - I only need two more songs, and I have 2 bands that haven't officially committed to it yet, so I hope they end up saying yes and agreeing to those songs. I'm pretty excited about this. Actually, in label news, I haven't heard from Jarod in a while, so I don't know what the deal is. We wanted to have Morrow's record out by now. I was discussing with jmc that I think it was silly of me to relaunch the site when I did, and it was an impulsive decision. Maybe I'll spend some time on that in between now and the end of January.

I'm going to go read books I don't really understand.

everyone loves a good redscare

for some reason, I got distracted last night and eventually found myself reading comments posted in response to news items on cnn.com. I would say in the 80% range of all posts, there are huge grammatical mistakes (I know, who am I to speak of such things, I am well aware of my own), completely uneducated rants, people still holding on to dead ideas that are obviously not working, desperate attempts to get in touch with people for jobs, or just to be heard. All of this is heartbreaking and leaves me feeling hopeless and depressed. It makes me want to set fire to almost all of these individuals, one in particular blamed the failing of "the big three" automakers on a lack of patriotism: "buy American" - I wonder if he realized that they import more parts from foreign countries than toyota or honda do, so in fact it doesn't matter who you are buying from. Never mind the fact that we are a global community etc, and that this situation is affecting the entire world, not just Americans. Ignore that the American Way is the cause of this mess. It is the American influence on these other countries that is also the impetus of a world collapse.

I am slightly intrigued, perhaps even obsessed by the year 1968. At a future time I will explore this further. The civil right's movement, Black Panthers, the RAF, the SDS, student and workers revolts all over the entire world, Kommune 1, the environmental movement, the Weather Underground (though they began in 1969, however they embody the spirit of '68), and so on. What happened? Where has that level of involvement gone? Is it a matter of intelligence, time, care, selfishness, or what? I keep coming back to my naive 14 year old self, the brink of discovery of the more political punk, the believing in the revolution.

again, I will return someday to expand or come as close to completion as I can.

Degas to Mallarmè

Edgar Degas: "What a task!... I've spent the whole day long on one of these blessed sonnets and I've made no progress whatsoever... And yet I'm hardly lacking in ideas... I'm quite full of them... I've got too many in fact."

Stéphane Mallarmé: "But my dear Degas, one does not make poetry out of ideas, but out of words."

New Year's Resolution

Stop living life and doing things as if it were a demo.
Some mistakes can never be recovered, more often than not, there are no do overs. So, make it count.
"Each step forward is the last, and with it a world dies - one's self included..."

Despite redemption being a major precept of Judaism, and most Abrahamic based religions, even further, common sense and forgiveness, we are stubborn, not easily able to forget.

I find that I have approached nearly every thing I have ever done as something I will return to to make better or right, or to expand the endeavor at another point in time. To count on an uncertainty.
I am all intention left unsatisfied.

News

the first thing I heard from the TV while back home is military enrollment is on the rise.

And I'm back

Still sick, or it came back from not sleeping and didn't improve, also from not sleeping.

The train ride was amazing. I met Dan at NY's Penn Station, he puts me on a train heading to Trenton, "hey, he's going to Trenton" "ok here's a ticket" "see ya!" [That's how far the free train ride goes, from there it's $9 to 30th/Market Street Station.]

Less than 2 hours later, I'm in Philadelphia in the company of a dear friend, who does amazing work for addressing public education on Africa, the quality of life for African immigrants, as well as all of Africa, among other things. She makes me so proud, because while the rest of us complain and theorize, (or write songs), about the injustices in the world, she is actually doing something that can be measured. Interesting to note, that Africa is a continent, with many countries and diverse cultures yet "African Studies" is an umbrella that covers all of our view of Africa, while every other culture is divided into smaller and more specific regions, she is working to directly change that.

10 hours later, we're back in Ft Wayne. The drive, we talked the entire time, we had a lot to catch up on since we saw each other in August. It was great until the last hour. She started getting delirious, biting the steering wheel, and so on. We arrive at her parents house, and crashed for a few minutes.

We arrive at the funeral. Chris gave Stasia a hug, solemn, beautiful, sweet. He didn't know I was coming, and I wasn't sure what the appropriate thing to do is, do you surprise your friend at his mom's funeral? He hugs me and loses it, which makes me lose it. We're crying, and he manages to get out, "I love you man.... see I'm not a robot" and I cried harder and laughed. The sweetest thing ever. Christopher hardly ever gets upset, so much so that a long running joke is he's a robot with no emotion, and that certain normal emotional responses are outside of his programming. Does not compute, and so on. The service was nice and I learned a lot about Chris's family, that I didn't know. John (Mc), Anastasia and I spend the rest of the day with Chris.

Friday we met John, Lindsay, and Finn! at Old Crown - so many of my friends and roommates have worked there. I met Finn last May (also at old crown) not too long after he was born. It's amazing how fast kids grow and change. He's walking and talking, I'm blown away. Sara was there, Fran came in to meet up with us and Sarah Jane was there with her son Cash, also about the same age as Finn. Lyndsey Rae works there now too. We did a little shopping at the other stores in the strip. Sara, Stasia and I went to Sara's to see her new apartment. It's awesome. She has the best decorating skills out of all of my friends combined (John and Lindsay are excluded from the combination, cause they rule too) and am kinda jealous she didn't have these skills when we lived together. I take comfort in the fact she and I will always remain friends, I'll probably always tease her about a lot of things, but it's nice to know we're close after all that time we spent and all that was involved. From there the three of us went to meet up with John and Ian McCormick at Park Edelweisse, a German club out on the south side of town. It's awesome. Cheap German Beer and just a bunch of German heritage. Fort Wayne has a huge German population, until 1942 or so the papers and street signs were in both German and English. We hung out listened to some German songs. Ian is amazingly big. I haven't seen him in so long, hardly the boy that fronted Skullyard when he was 12.
Then we met up with everyone at Baan Thai. I miss Fort Wayne's restaurants so much. The quality is so much better than most places in New York. Especially in Baan Thai, Taj Mahal, and a few others. After dinner everyone but Chris and Jacqui headed to State Bar and Grill. Andy Manes is sitting at the bar, haven't seen him since 1996. I explained why I was in town, and he said, yeah I'm in town visiting too. which is a lie, he lives there. I don't understand the need to lie. It's cool. A lot of my friends have stayed. They're awesome too.
After that we went to John and Lindsay's house. Stayed up really late, catching up, shooting the shit, and so on.
Saturday was insanely busy. Went to Hyde Brothers bought some books. Had lunch with Sara and Leah. Dropped Sara off at one of her billion jobs - Went to Jeremy's and visited with him and Heaven. She's almost 9 years old now!? Went to see my sister at work. Right, this is why I left - all these fat assholes at the mall. Stacey is seemingly even taller and even skinnier than ever. She's super busy, we make plans that don't come to fruition.
After that I went to the Marriott to visit an old boss, he still wants me to move back just to work for him. no way. Sara's mom came in and we talked. I love that woman more and more as time passes, she's pretty awesome.
I made the trek out to my Aunt Jenny's where they were having a party. I come in and my Dad comes up from the lower level - he looks a lot better than the last time I had seen him - but I'm a few steps above him and he's confused that I'm taller than him. "no you dummy, I'm on a few steps above you" I walk down and I get a standing ovation from my family and am ambushed with questions - I don't think they realize I haven't spoken to my dad since January and this was a lot to take in. Before I know it, my Dad's phone is ringing, he told my brother I was going to be there, so he called from jail and I spent 29 minutes out in the cold trying not to be mean to him. I come back in, and the questions start back up. I sternly said, "give me a minute." Awkward silence. I felt guilty. The party noise rises back up. Dad makes inappropriate comments. Sara calls and says she's done with work two hours early. I make an exit. Stop at my Grandpa's which I think ended up being the highlight of my trip home.
My Grandpa is a quiet man. Grandma passed away right before I moved here. I'm soft spoken. My Grandpa is hard of hearing. Awesome combination. We talk for awhile. "I don't know, maybe I'm wrong Damian, but how much is $700 billion dollars per person? Now the government would tax that so much, they wouldn't really be losing all that much, in comparison to bailing out all these big corporations that continue to do more of the same. Well that would fix this whole mess. I mean, maybe I'm missing something, but..." YES! Where did the rest of the family go wrong?
Sara calls and it's time for me to go. I part regrettably, and promise to see him this summer at the lake.
Pick up Sara, get dropped off at Stasia's. We go through the basement and walk away with way awesome stuff. Books, maps, stuff I'll use when I start teaching. And there's WAY more where that came from, and I'm welcome to come back to get some more.
Sunday get up, Stasia's mom packed all kinds of food for both of us. and we're off.
Back in Philly, I meet up with Jessica for dinner. Dan is at Jessica's, I hang out for a few with everyone. Dan takes me to the train in Trenton. Back in New York, I panicked in the cab ride when I couldn't find my wallet. Luckily it was only $20 which I had in my pocket. I arrive home a little after 2am. I found my wallet in the coat pocket I checked 325 times on the way home in the cab. I unpack. Exhausted sick, I fall asleep - instead of preparing for finals. I dream of things, including writing a letter to Dina, which I find really weird, telling, frustrating, a little sad, and mostly embarrassing. A few months ago, a great change occurred in me where I came to some realizations, which at some point I'll be able to articulate, until then, the way I find my dream is the way I find the entire situation. I wake up hallucinating that there are people in my room and I panic until my eyes adjust to the darkness and realize it's just piles of books, cds, and so on. I fall back asleep, oversleep, miss my last actual class for Child Development and Observation. And here is where I am. I should be studying. Here I go.

I'm still awake

Wednesday 5:23 am
I'm just getting over being sick, so it figures that I can't sleep/rest. I didn't want to take any sleeping aids, cause that makes it really hard for me to get up in the morning and I have a class that starts at 10am. After that, I have a lot of errands to do before I leave. I am looking forward to the ride with Anastasia, we have LOTS to talk about.
It'll be weird, I haven't been in Fort Wayne since May 2007 and that was fairly brief, during the Drowning With Our Anchors tour. I was a different person then. I can't remember the exact amount of time, it seems so long ago - as I write this, specific moments flash and it seems like it happened earlier this evening. A dear friend had just had a baby. This above all hits me the hardest, in terms of time passing by - those first 2 years. I remember Joel, how I was with him nearly everyday for his first 2 years of life. Amazing all that I learned about children. All that I taught him how to do - from walking to reading - and in turn all the things I learned. And all the things I've learned since then makes me anxious for the next opportunity to be that involved with a child.

I hope Nick can fit me in to get some work done. I've had 2 tattoos I've wanted him specifically to do for a long time, one for at least 5 years, and another since right after I saw him back in May when we all got the bone anchor tattoo. I didn't get the other one cause I didn't have the exact artwork with me, and didn't want to settle for something close enough. Now I have it and something relatively new I made up.

oh PJ sings to me "This is kind of about you - This is kind of about me - We just kind of lost our way - But we were looking to be free" - big exhales and sighs and nods of agreement.

I draw parallels with everything...
This is nonsense - at least I can recognize it as such.
I wonder if you're/who is still reading this.

Yesterday, I saw this homeless man stopped on the stairs, desperately trying to make eye contact with anyone that passed him. He looked like a lost child. It was towards the end of rush hour, so it was rather busy. This seems like it should have been easy for him. I noticed everyone that approached him, look down, an attempt to avoid him at all cost. He just kept looking, wanting to be acknowledged by anyone at all. This was all innocently done, and not in an aggressive manner. This all happened in a split second, but easily ten people ignored him. I decided to not only look him in the eye, but also smile at him as I passed by on the stairs - his entire face lit up with a sweet lonely old man smile that could melt the coldest of hearts. Recognition. He continued on his way. I on mine.

This all somehow reminded me of a boy barely above [my] knee height that I noticed a few days ago [I remind you, I'm rather short, so this boy was tiny]. He came running out of the subway exit, to the street level, and he starts trying to kick the three pigeons that were around. Right on dude! I liked him and gave him a thumbs up. I don't think his mom was too pleased with me encouraging this behavior. I got the look, you know the one.

Now imagine if I spent this much effort on all the homework I have to do.

and speaking of home

I am going back to Indiana to be with our dear friend Chris (P). His mother unexpectedly passed away. She was amazingly supportive of everything Chris did, and since he and I did quite a few things together, she supported things we did. This is what I was getting at in the previous post. Chris is too good of a friend, and we've been through a lot, too much for me not to be there, no matter what it will cost my GPA this semester.

I got lucky with Dan working for the train line from Philly to NYC and back - free rides - both ways. Then Anastasia is driving from there. Most of my professors are actually having study days the last half of this week, except for German - which of course is the class I'm not doing so well in - so I'm not missing too much. Except I have a lot to do for my Child Observation class - yikes!

It's funny, cause this trip comes at an interesting time. I've been contemplating moving back the last couple of weeks. But things are about to get a lot better here. And I have a good variety of groups I interact with - especially in the more intellectual department - that sort of thing simply does not exist back home. And I NEED that, as much as I need people to bounce creative ideas off of - I've yet to find anything remotely close to the level Jarod and I worked at - I was reminded of this a few times this year - when I went to visit for my birthday and we finished up a lot of his artwork for his senior show. And then again, during our reunion shows. He keeps telling me he's moving here, and every time it's farther into the future. Another reality in another time another place. The reason I had been thinking about it is due to me wanting to be nearer friends and their changes - having kids being one of the biggest things and not getting to be a part of that. For a second I missed my family until I informed them that I am coming home, and remembered why I need my space from them, not just emotionally, but also politically, intellectually, and socially.

Things are about to get better because friends of mine are about to move in. I am so looking forward to living with good people again. it's been a long time. No more shitty roommates!!!! Ever again, I won't do it. Nicole rules and I know Natalie and Alex rule a lot. It's hard to believe they are both moving from warmer climates in the middle of the coldest point in the year.

Things are winding down with the semester and I feel the weight peeling off.
I only have 2 weeks break til I start back up again.

debating

this isn't the place, but know I'm thinking about it and I'm appreciative of the opportunity. - sorry to be vague, but sometimes things need to be processed.
and it's moments like these that I am more concerned about the size of the planet being on the too-big-side, and us not being in the same city anymore. We have an amazing group of friends. sometimes I forget. sometimes I catch myself calling Indiana home.

in other thoughts, this year is coming to a close, thankfully. I wonder how memory will treat this one considering all that it entailed.

here's an original conspiracy theory I just thought up:

maybe I am completely off my rocker, but seriously...

The current economic "crisis" is staged; It's goal is to get more people to sign up for armed services, because re-instating the draft simply will not work. This way people are more likely to join willingly, instead of by force.
Maybe a bit of a stretch, but reading this - http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/12/03/college.costs/index.html - it clicked.

While I know this isn't completely true, I am sure we will see an increase in enrollment. The estrangement. Had this been due to outside forces, or had a scapegoat, be sure that there would be an invasion to be had. We don't have a convenient outsider to blame. Where is the call to arms? The accountability?

We, the choir, the armchair revolutionaries, will say I told you so, but that's as far as it (ever) goes.

last one for the night/month

"Tirelessly thought begins from new things, returning in a roundabout way to the same object. This continual pausing for breath is the mode most proper to the process of contemplation." Walter Benjamin, The Origin of the German Tragic Drama

"Only he who can view his past as an abortion sprung from compulsion and need can use it to full advantage in every present. For what one has lived is at best comparable to a beautiful statue that has had all its limbs broken off in transit, and now yields nothing but the precious block out of which the image of one's future must be hewn." Walter Benjamin - One Way Street.

some things I found/heard/read/saw recently

- The mediator between the head and hands must be the heart.
- People spoke the same language but could not understand each other.


"Who said that time heals all wounds? It would be better to say that time heals everything except wounds. With time, the hurt of separation loses it's real limits. With time, the desired body has already ceased to exist for the other, then what remains is a disembodied wound." - Samura Koichi

I admit, I'm part slacker, but also, I tend to take on WAY too many self imposed projects, hardly ever finishing any of them. You're more than welcome to give me a little push, or even a full on righteous kick in the ass, I probably need it and even more so, deserve it.

so tonight, I'm going to keep this window open to remind myself to get some things done. maybe like a gentle nudge.

- I started and finished an art piece - http://flickr.com/photos/excabyss/3066767117/ - I dunno what to call them yet, I do know where I'd like to end up, and til then I'll just keep experimenting - roughly once a month or so.

and I stayed up a lot later than I wanted to talking to my sister - we still are talking. and it's been kinda amazing. She rules, so much, THE best sister in the world. I'd fight you over it and you'd lose.

and I also ordered 5 books - 3 Walter Benjamin, Let the Right One In, and The People of Paper.

a few days ago, I posted three videos from the first reunion show DLA played, we didn't get any footage from the other shows. I mentioned I'd try to fix the audio, well I did, and it was really distorted - I hope to get Keith's footage and hope it's a little better and I'll edit something. I really tried to edit Rob's footage, but the audio is really really blown out, and picked up the bass way too much. normally I'd say, there's no such thing, but really, too much. But I really like the footage, well the look of it and so on. And tonight I added Misplaced I think it was from 176. 08/08/03; Ft Wayne @ the Freedom House - which ended up being the last show there, as far as I know/remember. We pulled out an old one for it. I tried to make us play an old one every time we played there - I think I realized how quickly we were approaching an end of an era. - PS I need to talk to damien/craig.
here are the videos - http://www.vimeo.com/user696585/videos

I sold my 8 track today and am planning on buying a different one - sometime soon. I've been trying to work with this one, and I just don't like it, and I can't edit the old stuff, so it's got to go. So hopefully I don't forget everything. I'm working on about 30 songs right now.

one of my new bands is starting tomorrow. we'll see how that goes.

also one of my teachers who is a doctor is really pushing me and a few kids I worked with on starting an organization based on our presentation. it's kind of amazing the degree she believes in us - but there's no way I can do that, right now. I guess we're going to do some things and see how realistic would be.

sorry my posts have been so all over the place, but this is really an accurate picture of my head and life right now. I hope to get more focused and tell some stories and other essays and such.

I ain't missing you at all.

Last night (Saturday, November 22), someone not tied to my past what-so-ever and having no idea of my old nickname, which struck me as semi-out of the blue, called me grandpa. I suppose that it is my fate and it will continue to follow me around. But it really makes me wonder, am I really that old and/or grumpy? I'd like to pretend I earned this nickname through my wisdom, and amazing advice.

Tonight (Sunday, November 23), I went to a show and was spoiled with great company, gifts, free food, free drinks, free admission, and on top of all that, Towers played an amazing set, one of my faves from them.

I don't know where I stand in so many areas of life. right now I'm thinking about a few individuals. With one in particular I have been interacting with a lot and I'm getting really comfortable with having that person around, even if it's just me talking that persons ear off, which leads me to think I'm going to develop stronger feelings, which will lead to disappointment, I already know, but I can see it happening all the same. I'll admit it, it was the same person that called me grandpa on Saturday night. Another person I haven't had any contact with for a long time and that makes me even more bitter than I already was (adding to my grumpy nature, and overall grandpa-ishness). Another individual I had around a lot over summer and I miss a lot more than I expected. There are a few others that I miss a lot. There are two specific people that I am anxious for their arrival.
Can I be any more vague?

I picked up Rob's video footage that he shot of our first reunion show, from the end of August - the audio is not good, the video is great - it made me miss the boys sooooooooo much. we played a lot better than I thought we did. I might be able to fix the audio or something to share it. if nothing else it will add some alternate angles if I ever get Keith's footage.

I'm cold and tired and missing you.

Get Hustle

Get Hustle is this band that is still active from Portland. Here are their first releases - almost 10 years old. I don't think they are in print anymore. GSL had talked about releasing them on a CD but, sadly they closed their doors earlier last year.
Their first 2 releases were not as bordering on the free jazz territory their more recent material seems to flirt with.

Get Hustle first lp and 7"
Satan Be Gone is one of my all time favorite songs. There is something really amazingly sexy that is captured in this song. It feels like a throwback to old jazz around the birth of R&B and such. Also I've Got A Gun and I'm Excited is pretty sweet.

I saw Get Hustle and Joan of Arc at the Volcano Room, in Indianapolis in... it had to have been 2000, I can't remember. Amazing live band. Both of them at that time were awesome. it was an odd pairing, but rad.

Ron Avila was in Antioch Arrow, Holy Molar + some other bands that were ok, at least at the time. I'm not sure about the other members, but you know... it matters.

700 trillion says he will keep the change

Sure it's easy to be critical, but that is such a necessary part of what keeps things progressing.

I came across the following doing some research on a paper I need to finish on Robert Jensen's article "The Greatest Nation on Earth" - which is, in short, a critique of anyone, or any nation to claim that they are the greatest (individual or nation). Jensen claims anyone who states such is “either mentally unstable or he’s an asshole” he goes on to say these claims are "depraved and dangerous."

I would disagree and point to Muhammad Ali. It's subjective, of course. I also feel one of the greatest tragedies to ever occur is the assassination of Malcolm X. It's something I always come back to for inspiration - his level of personal change that he accomplished during his lifetime, is by far a perfect example of our potential for greatness. Anyway, I'm off topic, kinda... change, greatness, and so on...

Robert Jensen is a respected journalism professor at the Univesity of Texas at Austin, an author, and a political activist.

This comes in a later chapter of his book - "Citizens of the Empire: The Struggle to Claim Our Humanity"

"... the Soviet Union was a global military threat to our existence was a political weapon to frighten Americans into endorsing wars to suppress independent development in the Third World and accepting a permanent wartime economy. With the Soviet Union gone, American planners needed a new justification to keep the military machine running. International terrorism and threats from drug traffickers were tested as rationales during the 1980s as the Soviet threat receded. In the 1990s, talk of "humanitarian interventions" also became a justification for a bloated military that was far beyond the level needed for defense. On 9/11, the vague terrorism justification became tangible for everyone. So, even if nonmilitary approaches to terrorism are more viable, the rationale for ever larger defense spending was set."

It IS time for a change.
What's the old cliche about a sinking ship and taking in more water than you can bail out?

art, truth, and death.

"The Truth is always an abyss. Man is condemned not to die, but to live. I'm fighting the most hopeless battle there is."
"Against whom?" I ask.
"Against myself."
- Kafka to a friend

"We have art in order to not die of truth."
- Nietzsche

Carol

Carol was this band from Germany. I don't know too much about them.
They are somehow tied with the whole Bremen scene and the bands Acme, Systral, Minon, Metöke, and Mörser.

as an aside:
I saw Mörser at Columbus fest a few years ago - the one with those total bullshit safe spaces, I think 1999. Whatever. Pretty funny and good sense of humor, and there were a lot of members in the band. 2 guitarists, 2 bass players, 3 singers and a drummer.

here are 5 songs that are out of print and hard to find of, as far as I know, all of their recorded output. I have at one time or another heard they had some unreleased stuff, but rumors run amok.
Carol - 5 Songs

I've got nothing. Come back some other time.

I fixed the files for Fragments For Walter Benjamin. I broke it up into 4 parts. I tried to edit it in sections that made sense, but I didn't want to spend that much time on it. I really encourage my friends to watch this.

Two releases for the label are planned.
First is Morrow's first full length. we're doing a limited run on cd and hope that it gets picked up by another label. then I'll press the vinyl.
Second is a tribute record to Dinosaur Jr's You're Living All Over Me. bands include, Morrow, me (haven't decided on the name), Skything, Algernon Cadwallader, Drowning With Our Anchors + more TBA. we have 5 of the 9 songs accounted for. This will not be out until around my birthday. I haven't decided the medium either.

I don't know about my travel plans to visit everyone. I'm going to Hawaii in February for a few days. In May/June I might be going to Japan with a band, more details will be announced and stuff soon. So next year, it might be everyone coming to see me.

Never go into things with high expectations. I should remember this, but I was so stoked on the movie, Let The Right One In - it didn't disappoint, but I wanted more devastation, more loneliness, more alienation. It's still all of these things, just not what I expected.

I keep forgetting to mention that I named the song the Morrow (from Dead Letter Auction's last 5 songs) after the movie Gattaca (which is one of my favorites) - Michael Nyman who did the amazing soundtrack for that movie, also had a song called the Morrow. This was named after Jerome Morrow (Jude Law's character). I would like to think that the band Jerome's Dream was also related to this movie, even though I only like 1/2 of one of their songs (untitled number 2). Jarod named his band Morrow, after the DLA song. So you can see the tracing of an impact. However insignificant you think you are, might have been, it lasts lifetimes, and goes far beyond your immediate understanding. People you'll never even meet, will be influenced by something someone else was influenced by.

Anyway, midterms, up to my neck in work, which I need to get back to.

random thoughts

"To the person who thinks with his head life is a comedy. To those who think with their feelings, or work through their feelings, life is a tragedy."
- Henry Miller

it's Halloween. I don't remember what I did last year, or the year before... I haven't cared since I was a young kid.

The death of mystery. This year, I've been doing a lot of that, murdering mystery. Take for example time travel. It's just not worth it, you can't change anything, but these things change you.

My mind is seriously messy. Near exhaustion / burnt out.

I had so many things I meant to say or do... save it for later, if it comes back to me.

Fragments for Walter Benjamin

Walter Bendix Schönflies Benjamin (July 15, 1892 – September 27, 1940) was a German-Jewish writer that wrote many essays, critiques, memoirs, letters, and short stories. He also translated many works, and was a philosopher that was associated with the Frankfurt School (basically, a perfect human being).

I came across this movie, "One Way Street: Fragments for Walter Benjamin" trying to find out how to buy the documentary "Who Killed Walter Benjamin" - a ridiculously expensive movie - but don't worry, I bought it.

This movie runs 58 minutes and has kinda cheesy scenes, but what's to be expected from 1992?
I will definitely watch it a few times, to get more out of it, I was really excited that the initial viewing was more caught in the moment of being giddy, rather than paying attention. Yes, I am that much of a nerd, that I nerd out, over nerd stuff.

I tried to do some research on the film, and results returned are from all over the place. Movies with the same name, shorter versions, different directors, different languages, different companies and so on. Which is fitting for the subject of the film.

The title is perfect as Walter left behind what many essentially call a perfect masterpiece, had it been completed.

I'm a little more interested in the other documentary "Who Killed Walter Benjamin" but haven't received it yet. I'll probably have a showing at my house when it arrives for me, my new roommates, and a few others.

anyway, I compressed this down into mp4 to share with my Frankfurt School professor I had over the summer. And if you're interested at all in anything Jewish, German, historical, or intellectual, or things that really, truly interest and move me - you can watch it too. Be warned, it will take a good amount of time to download it.

One Way Street: Fragments For Walter Benjamin part 1
One Way Street: Fragments For Walter Benjamin part 2
One Way Street: Fragments For Walter Benjamin part 3
One Way Street: Fragments For Walter Benjamin part 4

- in the event anyone involved with this project has a problem with me sharing it, you need to re-read Walter Benjamin.

can I get a...?

regime change.
I'm pretty stoked on all 3 new roommates.
Just have to survive 2 more months.
A good test on my patience for sure.
Slightly related, I'm in the market for an air purifier.
My OCD is getting worse when it comes to cleanliness.
Lot's of info out there that doesn't really tell me much of anything.

I have a serious problem with buying books. This year I have bought well over 60 books, and spent more than $2000 - and I am not exaggerating. I continue to buy them, even though I don't have time to read them.

Projects continue to pile up!
I am releasing at least one record VERY soon. I will make announcements when it's ok to do so. There are some more releases that are down the road a bit. And a slight possibility of something that would be the most amazing thing ever, well for me.

in context:
what you were and what you are, are two very distinct and very different things.

unrelated:
stop existing as a distraction.

listening:
last.fm/user/DamianHade

reading:
Walter Benjamin and Max Horkheimer until I have read everything they have published. Anything not translated, I will do myself.

watching:
the same movies over and over again (when movies go completely digital, and the TV is hooked up through the internet you'll see - make this website now, get ahead of the game).

living:
all over me

out of context:
I misuse you

related:
no one specific

it's like learning a new language

oh man.
impulsivity at it's finest, I re-launched the website (as previously mentioned). It's fun looking back at all that stuff that was so long ago. I forget about some of the reviews some of the releases received. I also have to relearn all the web programming languages, and apparently there are some new ones out there. I do have a lot of things I need to get up there.

and speaking of languages, I'm struggling with German. Well not really, actually.
It's not that hard, it's just I need to dedicate more time.
I don't really like my professor's overall approach, I like aspects, but, eh... I also really dislike the book Hunter uses, a few members of the German Department wrote it themselves, and frankly, it's not very good. I've been picking up other books here and there, and they are far more helpful. Though typically they are a slightly different dialect, so it doesn't really help me in my class. Maybe I should actually focus on school instead of my other studies, artwork, and other writings.

I have officially stepped down as Marketing Director from my job, and am now just general awesome assistant / marketing coordinator. I really hope this allows me to chill out and have more time for breathing, visiting, reading, writing.

I'm also interviewing people to move in. One room available to replace the bartender that was never here. In January the couple is out, and a friend from Miami moves in.
So that leaves one more room to fill in January. Kinda excited about this.

I keep trying to find my footing in relation to establishing foundations of many things. I am impatient, and want to get there. This is applicable to so many endeavors in my life. I want to get into the heart of the subjects, getting into more theoretical aspects. While this is super frustrating I recognize the importance of foundations. At the same time, often times, these foundations are common sense, therefor making me even more impatient, wanting to skip over a lot of important material.

Google Analytics has been providing some interesting returns on visitors from all over the world. it's kinda crazy how specific it gets. I can tell which of my friends are or are not reading this, and how regularly they check in. it goes back to a previous entry where I touched on the thought I had on the internet as the panopticon.

Help is always on the way.

excursionsintotheabyss.com relaunched!

so I relaunched the site today.
I'm still going to be using this as a blog.
The label things will be back up in their proper order,
everything will be working by the end of the year.

I did upload a folder of 15 songs by post DLA bands I was in; Arrows, Optics, Our Past Projects, and a few solo songs by me. and some other media.

www.excursionsintotheabyss.com.

Maps

one of the many projects I've been working on is a map of all the places I've ever played.
It's related to the list of shows post.

Google map, of all the places I've played.

It's nowhere near even complete, and barely even started actually, so it shouldn't read "all the places I've played" - but maybe I'll finish it, someday.
It does have all the Cataract Falls and Red Heroine shows done. A few each for Drowning With Our Anchors, and Dead Letter Auction.
Where possible, I noted exact address / venue.
Sometimes we played in the same venue multiple times.

With friends like these, who wouldn't need friends?

Somewhat inspired by Craig's post on his blog and listening to Gogogo Airheart's Love My Life, Hate My Friends as well as some of Jeremy's new photos ...

I'm pretty proud of 99% of my friends' accomplishments.
I've surrounded myself with creative and intelligent people, intentionally.
I think, despite our distances, we feed quite well off each other, even to this day.

Most of all, I'm proudest of the ones I have been closest with. Coincidentally or not, at one time or another we were all in some form of band or music project, or at least one step away from doing so, ie I never actually played music with Damien, but he was in Mortadusk with Craig, and Craig was in Arrows/the last incarnation of Dead Letter Auction, we also had a few other bands that didn't take flight. Also all the boys in Philly (Towers, Peter & Craig, Algernon Cadwallader, etc), we haven't worked together directly yet, but Greg Fowler was in a band that had members of Burial Year, and Josh was in Burial Year, as well as in Dead Letter Auction, a few times, and I was in Drowning With Our Anchors.

Jarod has been in a band called Morrow for quite some time.
I have a press release I'm finishing up with the band that I'll post here, once completed. I've had the full length for a few months now, and can't wait for it's release. It's nothing short of genius, beautiful, heartfelt, honest, and amazing. It makes me pretty excited about music in general again, and that's getting harder and harder to do these days. I will probably be pushing it pretty heavily. I've made mention of it a few times. Jarod recently hinted at us working together really soon again. We have started doing some artwork collaborations through the mail.

Josh has a new band, he sent me a song from a practice, and it's amazing. I believe it's called Pills. It's with Steve Middlekauff, whom incidentally was at a Red Heroine show in Ann Arbor (04.06.01; Ann Arbor, MI; the Pirate House). And at that show a friend of Steve's gave us a free drum set, which of course, caused many fights amongst that band (as if we needed any more reasons to fight). Josh asked me to move to San Francisco to play bass for it, and while tempting, I can't leave New York, yet - I'll get to why eventually on here, and it's not solely school related. Drowning with our Anchors is still rocking it, they are touring Europe next year.

I'm anxious and hopeful that Craig (Phillips) will start a new band with Damien during their time in Portland.

I've become rather close with Portraits of Past, which is strange is some ways. There is talk of them touring Japan and Europe in the summer. They are playing Dude Fest '09, and that means I'm actually going back to Indiana for that.

There are a few others that I'm super proud of, and we'll get to them, someday.

I'm in the process of writing some actual stories that look back at the history of some of these projects, (as well as updating/finishing the few already shared) and look forward to sharing them soon.

The medium is the message

The new computer arrived this morning.
I was so excited about it, that it caused me to be 2 hours late for work. Way to go technology. I was under the impression you were supposed to make things run smoother, more efficiently, in turn making me on time.
I am currently organizing my pictures and movie files, music is already done, for now. I have to redo quite a lot of the things I thought were finished for the video project I have been working on and off and on again for the past 5 years. It's partly why I bought this thing. Good memories in the videos and photos. I found a few gems that I had long forgotten about (multiple years forgotten).

I can't help but think of the few Marx essays I've read in connection with the collapse of many economic systems around the world. I only hope for accountability for accountants, CEOs, etc, essentially. Whatever, I'm keeping the system afloat, with all these new technological purchases, yet I actually want to see it fail.

I've been doing research for an essay on love. Recently, I have found some interesting things connecting depression, OCD, and addiction, to love. Which makes absolutely perfect sense to me. Anyone who knows anything about me knows I fall in love fairly easily - though it's been a while, well just a little more than a year and a half, that's not so long, and almosts never count, and neither do objects, nor do previous positions held. Anyway, point being, it's interesting to say the least, but not something that one doesn't inherently know or understand.

Speaking of critical analysis, I also want to work on this long standing thesis I've had on the failings of punk rock. I was listening to some older stuff, a band called Life's Blood (pre-Born Against), in particular, and just was really turned off by the production first and foremost (could you imagine if Minor Threat had such shitty production, no one would have become straight edge). The message I think they were going for lead me to be reminded of other bands from that era, and their talk of revolution, etc. Revolution my ass. The message is the medium, the medium is the message. How something as intense, interesting, intelligent, and critical of a message punk has as a whole, gets construed for laziness and drunkenness, is beyond me. Right, you sure are showing the man, you showed 'em real good. By no means am I not saying have fun, etc. but these things don't equate.

Another scholarship was sent to me today. It's kinda amazing.

Longing for returns.

the good, the bad

well the 8 track arrived this morning.
but get this, it only has one tape speed at 9.5, instead of having both tape speeds, the other being 4.8. I only recorded 2 things at 9.5 in my life. so it's almost worthless. However, a friend said I could borrow his to go through the tapes. He's a jackass, cause he knows I've been wanting to do this for a long time, he could have saved me a bit of change. so we'll see if that works out, if not I'm kinda determined, so I'll probably just buy another one.
I will start demoing new stuff this weekend.

Oh, I got another raise today!

anywho...
Craig, let me know if you're safely settled in Portland.
I have some wicked travel plans for winter break and then a huge announcement for summer.

There are other things, I'll share them later...

yes cheating to fulfill self imposed regulations.

is this really completion?
does it really count?

oh cryptic messages to unlistening ears.
conversations could complete these thoughts.

"so where are you now"

completely isolated, and has absolutely nothing to do with my purchasing of an 8 track, in fact he doesn't even know about my blog, Chris called me tonight to inform me that he is backing up all of his dats etc and found me and Jarod's first recording session from 1997, and he is going to send that to me. This has been lost for a long time. We did release the acoustic version of "Housebroken" on his benefit compilation cd "East Timor" - which raises a lot of issues in it self. maybe I'll get there and point out what should be obvious - but anyway, we recorded 4 or 5 other songs. at least one other one I might be proud of. it's hard to remember that long ago. anyway, once I get it, I may or may not share it with you. 'til then, take care.

quota

Sometimes I think I am surrounded by insects masquerading as men for some diabolical reason ... Henry Miller.

self service

I have (finally) purchased an 8 track cassette recorder. Actually it is the last model that was in production before it all went digital, which is to say, multi-track cassette recorders are no longer being made. It should arrive later this week. I'm finally going to go through a lot of my old tapes; a few of you have seen the box of recorded material I have, and know this will be a task, some of it goes back 15 years. There are some really fun things in that box, some I'm sure I will cringe at and even destroy, I hope to find a few specific things. I'm going to finish the Rebellion's New Idol stuff and get that sent out before the end of the year. And since bringing it up a few weeks ago, I'm anxious to listen to the xcongressofthecrowx tape for the first time since recording it. Also, this will lead to me getting some demos done of some of my newer stuff. I am pretty excited about all of this, hence this post.

Now that my laptop has officially crapped out on me (the logic board is dead), I have a new computer coming later this week. So hopefully I get to some of the video stuff I started work on a few years ago, among other things.

I just got offered a nice scholarship for making the Dean's List. There are a few things I have to figure out, but will pretty much cover all of my expenses and then some.

With that, I leave asking that you continue learning and not just things that have to do with your job(s), or life lessons accidentally learned; please be in pursuit, passionately.

fragmented

... in vain attempts to quantify exaltation, and every escaped occurrence of these utterances fail. Truth does not exist in this realm; go ahead and tell another lie.

taken out of context to paint a picture

It's the inside of a watch functioning perfectly in an incredible chaos.

They are cruel in the way children are cruel. They walk over you to reach for a new toy...

To speak well one must have an appreciative audience.

Somewhere there is a leak in you. Until it is repaired you can never become the great human being which you are.

A little sympathy, that's what's needed. Better to be wrong, better to be unjust, than to turn your back on sympathy.

He is interested in the theory of medicine, not the art of therapy.

all taken from Aller Retour New York, by Henry Miller.

Red HeroiNe

I don't remember much at this point.
well that's not true (I just don't know how much you don't care to know).
it was summer 2000.
Jeremy, Eddie and I had a band called xcongressofthecrowx. (congress of the crow is a sexual position, I'm sure I tried to teach it to you at some point). we were a straightedge band. The three of us were supposed to share vocal duties, but it really came down to me doing it. I wasn't that into it, I mean it was fun, but I wanted to play and not have to worry about yelling and such, considering I decided I didn't want to scream in bands anymore, and I had Dead Letter Auction (well actually at that point I think we were on a break). We recorded and released an eight song demo limited to 20. Well Jeremy did all of this. I actually didn't want it released. But anyway.
So, with fall approaching, John Cheesebrew was added to the fold. John has never been straight edge. So we changed the name to red heroine.
we adopted a few xcongressofthecrowx songs and built on the sound. oddly enough we fit in perfectly with the other bands that were coming out of Indiana at the time (and in many cases are far superior and hold up way better than they do), though we had nothing to do with them, and didn't even really like them as people or even musically. we really did call our music "aftermath rock" (a play on the "mathrock" label (attributed to weird time signatures), as well as an homage to dr dre, as well as aftermath being chaos, etc) and "eddiemetal" (a play on heavy metal as well as an homage to Iron Maiden, as well as our band member). I was doing a noise project at the time called, The Rebellion's New Idol (I'm not going to explain this one, but in part, there's a bit part homage to Star Wars (before it started sucking)), and we really wanted to add elements of that (hence the end of the last track of the Mangus Meets His End cd - the noise throughout the cd was intentionally added by mike dixon - though I do believe he edited parts from our noise movement). I think if we had continued we would have added even more of that aspect. (in fact I have some tapes of me and Eddie making noise pieces) (I really need to get a 4 track to edit/digitize some of these things).

at some point, John McCormick joined the band on 2nd guitar (unfortunately, you can barely hear him on the live track).

honestly we were a really dysfunctional band. we didn't really get along with each other. there were major 2 way cliques amongst us. Some people would say Jeremy was the worst drummer they had ever seen (I tried really hard to shelter him from these comments, and they obviously never saw skullyard (of which, I was the drummer)). we would fight each other on and off stage and all that. totally ridiculous. on the tour, John (mccormick) and I took our own van to avoid the other boys as much as possible. this ensued in insane highway hijinks that make Quentin Tarantino look like an amateur.

but whatever, we had a lot of fun, we played a few shows (you can follow the following link to see them - list of shows). recorded twice with Mike Dixon, once in Bloomington (mangus meets his end). Once in the Psi Ote Barn in Northside park (the 2 unreleased songs). and we had one song we didn't record (but a live version is included in the download, it's from our second to last show, at the YWCA before Kim opened and closed her record shop, Convolution Records).

so here's all 10 songs:
red heroine discography
and here are some photos

yes this post is full of jackassery and it is dedicated to Craig (he was in a band called Mortadusk that ruled Fort Wayne more than any other band EVER [and someone really should do it to him already]), he requested the red heroine stuff today via a facebook message, and I've been meaning to do this for Jeremy for about 3.5 years.

Excavation and Memory

Language has unmistakably made plain that memory is not an instrument for exploring the past, but rather a medium. It is the medium of that which is experienced, just as earth is the medium in which ancient cities lie buried. He who seeks to approach his own buried past must not be afraid to return again and again to the same matter; to scatter it as one scatters earth, to turn it over as one turns over the soil. For the "matter itself" is no more than the strata which yield their long-sought secrets only to the most meticulous investigation. That is to say, they yield those images that, severed from all earlier associations, reside as treasures in the sober rooms of our later insights - like torsos in a collector's gallery. It is undoubtedly useful to plan excavations methodically. Yet no less indispensable is the cautious probing of the spade in the dark loam. And the man who merely makes an inventory of his findings, while failing to establish the exact location of where in today's ground the ancient treasures have been stored up, cheats himself of his richest prize. In this sense, for authentic memories, it is far less important that the investigator report on them than that he mark, quite precisely, the site where he gained possession of them. Epic and rhapsodic in the strictest sense, genuine memory must therefore yield an image of the person who remembers, in the same way a good archaeological report only informs us about the strata from which its findings originate, but also gives an account of the strata which first had to be broken through.
Walter Benjamin - Selected Writings Volume 2:2 1927-1934

a day old(er)

I woke up early. too early.
familiarity.

class is ok. actually, no it's not. this class and one other specifically have some really down right stupid people in attendance. fine, people have their stories and opinions, but please don't speak aloud about things you are clearly wrong about. it's just unacceptable and it's a waste of money.

I agree to meet a familiar face for some errands.
late arrival, as usual.
I expected this.
walk to the East River for a seat. we talk about moms, well not mine.
I am being vague and avoiding, here, as well as then.
Run into another face.
what are you up to.
work and school.
oh what for.
well, teaching.
yeah, that makes perfect and total sense.
I know, that's what everyone tells me. It's something I've always wanted to do.
yeah, it suits you.

part ways with familiar faces.
return.
I attempt to write and do homework.
instead I fall asleep.

Meet a friend and his friend to go to the Dreamhouse, per another friend's suggestion.
We arrive, it's closed. I had my suspicions of this ahead of time. Yet took no action to confirm. (it re-opens on the 20th of September).
What now?
He "Hey let's walk around"
Me "OK"
The three of us end up in Soho. there's a Street Fair.
She's home.
Shadows.
Last year she described this as a scene out of "Blade Runner." to an extent, I see where she was coming from and even agree.
Shook off the dust and moved onward.
Just outside of where she and I had one of our first dates to see an old friend drunkly shout out some songs (oh what a night that was in itself!); current company and I were supposed to play here with our old bands - that didn't work out, we're both too lazy and don't care enough, and this venue didn't get it. All of a sudden someone is shouting her name, repeatedly and loudly. My heart sinks again, but it's not her, just coincidence. Of course. Yet again.
when it rains it pours.

The three of us walked the Williamsburg Bridge. I did this one other time, and it had everything to do with her; I had to walk the tension off after spending the day with her shopping, seeing a movie, touching, and flirting. Here and then each step lifting and adding unbearable weight. each step bringing me closer to and farther from.

I notice and remember these things and instantly regret I do.
at the same time, no I don't.

a few days ago, a friend and I were conversing about her friends heartache and that she was making baked goods to cheer him up. I use this opportunity to say I want baked goods as well. She tells me I'm obsessed, and I let out a laugh and too much information. yes perhaps. She meant that I always want free stuff and to be taken care of.
(m)ending.
I continue to wear it on my sleeves, at the very least, I still have one to wear.

A gust

I've fallen a bit behind on things, considering, I'm sure you'll forgive me.
With the passing of whatever holiday that just did so, I declare that Summer is officially over. And what a way to end it!

It's hard to express just how much the last week of August meant to me. (the entire month actually - starting off in San Francisco visiting friends AND seeing Portraits of Past, then Liann and Sara being here, then the boys arriving - though I could have done without the news from home).

I finished another class with a B. I guess that's fine because I missed so many classes I should have failed, but I'm me. I hated the class and thought it was a huge waste of time, I felt that way about 2/3 of my summer classes; I took Health, Speech, and the Frankfurt School. Guess which one I adored?

I guess I should start with the fact that I love the members of Dead Letter Auction with all of my heart and soul. They are my best friends and I can say without hesitation that I love them unconditionally and would do whatever I could for them. So to get to play a few shows with them again was amazing, and even very much needed. I'm a little bummed John Cheesebrew couldn't make it, it would have been awesome to be able to play with both drummers at the same time; I always wanted that to happen.

Portraits of Past were a band that meant a lot to me. I listened to this record at least once a day for at least five years straight, and still revisit it quite regularly. It captures so much of how I felt musically, atmospherically, and especially lyrically. If I were younger I probably would quote certain passages here, but being older I realize one that's silly, two I don't think I can limit myself to a passage, and three I like lists. So for them to reunite, was kind of amazing. I am quite positive that I am the only person that caught all 5 reunion shows. I sat on stage for all five, like a dork, not out of entitlement, or selfishness, but out of a sense of needing to. A lot of people asked if Jonah and I are brothers, his actual brother looks nothing like him.

In the few days leading up to the shows, a local New Yorker posted a picture of a roommate of xxxx. Weird to say the least. He and I had a few messages back and forth, but left it at, I am not interested in hearing about her this way, or in this light. I like my memories of us, and I'm going to keep them. nine months ago, nine months prior to that and I never even knew of such things. A shadow of a former self.

Jarod and John arrived much earlier than Chris. We hung out, went to some parties, caused some trouble. I touched Nora Jones' hand and arm. The boys and I told stories, laughed, and I nearly cried almost every night (it's me, of course this happened).
When Chris arrived we went straight to practice, it was awkward for some reason, not because of Chris, but because it was so late and we were all somewhat exhausted already.

The shows themselves were a lot of fun. I am convinced that every other show we ever played was good, then bad, then awesome. ie we played Wednesday it was good. Thursday was awful, Friday was awesome - I couldn't have asked for a better show, aside from some friends and other certain people being there. You know who you are. I do. There were a few "indie rock celebrities" at our shows, but they didn't do anything for me. they don't move me like you do. After the show on Friday, a younger man approached me and said "I've been waiting years to see you guys play, thank you so much" I didn't know what to say, a part of me thought maybe he thought I was Jonah, but knew that wasn't true as they hadn't played yet, and we don't really look that much alike, I just don't always believe these things (but we all know how I hold on to them) "Man, you totally just blew my mind, THANK YOU." It was already all worth it on so many levels, but this is awesome.
It was well documented in pictures, however video was only taken at the first show; with 2 cameras. I lost my voice the first night. so the second two shows were interesting, so maybe it's good that they were not filmed.
I dunno, it made me miss being in a band, and I guess I'm going to try harder to get one going again. Then again, when you've had what you wanted, why go chasing for something else? I have plans, but I need to realize life is short and I can't possibly accomplish all of these things.

I crashed hard after everyone left. All of a sudden, I wake up and there's no one to cook for, no one to entertain, no one to distract me. I've been off medication for about 2 months now. These first few days have been hard at moments, but I think I'm in a much better place. Sure I still have OCD tendencies that focus on aspects that I don't understand. I wish I was the type that was more concerned with being more organized, because my apartment and room are a mess from being awesome, but no, I'm cursed with obsessing over memories etc. Someday I'll admit to these things thoroughly, 'til then we're both left with just a thought.

and back to school.
after German class I went back to work. Lou Reed, John Zorn, and Mike Patton played a show. weird. Mike is a friend of friends, but I didn't want to be bothered with him. both Macaulay and Kieran Culkin were drinking in the office with me and other coworkers, I think my mom would be impressed.

I'm skipping class to write this, one because I don't know where today's class meets, two I had to do laundry, three I need some time off to process everything, four yes that is what this is. five, I still like lists. I imagine I will revisit this and edit it. speaking of I have to add some shows to the list of shows I have played.

containment

I'm at work. but I'm just too excited.
Jarod and John are practicing in Indiana.
They arrive tomorrow.
I'm so excited to be playing music with my favorite people in the world.
Chris and I played in a short lived band earlier this year.
What's even better is we're playing with some of my favorite bands.

upcoming shows.

Wednesday, August 27 @ Brooklyn Cat House
7pm $7
...Who Calls So Loud
Dead Letter Auction
Algernon Cadwallader
Towers
the Blue Letter

Thursday, August 28, 2008
Brooklyn, NY @ the Charleston
...Who Calls So Loud
Dead Letter Auction
the Blue Letter
+ special guest!!![um yes it is Portraits of Past]

9pm $7

Friday, August 29th @ Death By Audio
9pm $8
Portraits of Past
Ampere
Dead Letter Auction
Tropic of Nelson

Saturday, August 30 @ the Cake Shop
6pm $8
Portraits of Past
Ampere
Off Minor

return return return

I am back, I have way too much to catch up on.
The friends, the food, the shows were all amazing, and everything was well worth it.
Sometimes this place is too big.
Thank you for everything.

patterns hold me as a prisoner

my sleeves are too tight and I need new tricks.

Printed Portraits of Past posters

San Francisco

So I'm a total idiot and missed my plane to SF yesterday, due to some asinine assumptions - had to get a different flight, luckily for free, but that required me to spend the night in the Houston airport. oh boredom. I finished a book, at least.
Lack of sleep and all that, but I've arrived, it's kinda chilly. I kinda like it.
It snuck up on me yesterday en route, and I'm glad I'll be distracted the rest of the month.

upcoming shows!

Dead Letter Auction is playing 2 shows in NYC:

Wednesday, August 27
the Brooklyn Cat House
7pm $7
Who Calls So Loud?
Dead Letter Auction
Algernon Cadwallader
Towers
the Blue Letter



Friday, August 29
Death By Audio
9pm $8
Portraits of Past
Ampere
Dead Letter Auction
Tropic of Nelson

<-- yes this is the Portraits of Past poster.
I will post an actual photo of the printed versions when I get them back, next week.
The T-shirts will be posted shortly.

Dead Lettter Auction - Press (old)

since the website expired a few years ago, a lot of this stuff is not available anymore. Since we're playing a few shows (possibly three now), and some more upcoming press events, I thought I'd get this up. I'm pretty sure I'm relaunching the website soon.

Press:
whatzup article - 6/29/00

from geekass.com:
....Dead Letter Auction was next, and they made the show. Their sound was great, they played really really well, and are one of the better bands I've seen locally in some time. It's too bad that the turnout for the show was so small. I bet they had less than 30 kids total show up including bands. That's got to be a bummer for bands who are touring. And when 60% of the audience hugs the walls it must just suck. And yes, I am a hypocrite as I do the same thing most of the time. But when a band is ON and sounds good and you enjoy their stuff you have to support them and get up front. At any rate if you weren't there you missed a great band from Indiana who'll probably NEVER play in the area again. Good job you lazy fuckers. Way to support the scene.

pitchforkmedia.com review also deserves to be listed here

Song Meanings. ---> ?
we got a vote for best album?


Romancing the Actors 7"

MRR # 208 (le shok graces the cover)
three songs of early to mid 90's influences emocore not unlike CURRENT of CHINO HORDE. the guitars are a bit fuzzy and they seem to suffer from the poor recording. the songs sound like they should be much louder and heavier than the record lets out. other than that, it seems to work well. Forced vocals over driving guitar and drums that are catchy as well.
- this record made a top ten list, in this issue too.

MRR # 243 (August 2003)
Dead Letter Auction plays mid paced Ebullition-style melodic hardcore. Minor chords and tortured vocals. Maybe Yaphett Kotto meets Current with less power. The songs just kind of drag on and don't do much for me. A solid effort, no doubt. Will Risk

heartattack # 27
melodic sounding emo (screamo?)hardcore with good, personal lyrics. i like this a lot.

action|attack|helicopter
This is good stuff. Before I saw this band, I had high expectations. I wasn't disappointed. They were amazing. Dead Letter Auction reminds me a lot of Four Hundred Years. They pull off the sing-scream high emotion vocals quite well. The three songs on this are very creative, and I especially enjoy the harmonica intro to"recurrent." Also, this is printed on neat red vinyl, really cool packaging. This is my favorite recording so far. They also have a CDEP.

no karma
Hailing from the surprisingly cool little city of Fort Wayne Indiana, Dead Letter Auction play a rhythmically explosive type of emotional hardcore. Dual vocals (usually one screamed and the other shouted) and passionate lyrics push this a notch above the other young bands in the genre.
(from no karma)

collective zine (UK)
Not sure if these guys are still going, but I hope so, as this 7" shows a lot of potential, even if it isn't unfeasibly amazing in it's own right. "Throw The Towel In" is the first song, and it's loaded with strained vocals, screamed backups and rumbling guitars that never get overly melodic, nor thumpingly hardcore. Just somewhere in between. Musically they seriously give off a vibe of stuff like Portraits of Past. That sort of moody, depressed sounding emo. It's a touch repetetive on this track, but it's headed in the right direction for me. There are two more tracks on the flipside of this red slice o' vinyl, "Recurrent" gets a touch more melodic, but still has those ever so sad sounding vocals. Poor chap, he sounds very distressed indeed. Finally we have "Of Crowds And Curtains, For Example", which is much more chaotic and heavy, with screamier vocals too. A definite Shotmaker thing going on, though it lacks that bands groove (about the only thing they need to be a bona fide excellent emo band). They have a rockin' 3 track CDR out too. limited to 200 copies and it has slightly better production, a little more direction and sounds like Amber Inn crossed with Constatine Sankathi. Good luck finding it though, heh. Overall this is good emo stuff that anyone into the style will definitely appreciate and want to hear. Why there is a freaky 3 second emo-violence "hidden track" on side A though, I'll never know… Andy Malcolm


Vertigo CD


action|attack|helicopter - November 2002
From Fort Wayne, Indiana, comes what is probably the best truly independent, unsigned act in the state. Yeah, we've got Mellencamp, Songs: Ohia, Suicide Note and more, but Dead Letter Auction are truly indie artists, releasing much of their material on their very own [excursions into the abyss] label. This four piece has toured the U.S. four times and had more than ten lineups. The seven songs they recorded for this EP were done at Echo Park studios (Mellencamp does a lot of his work there) in Southern Indiana. With a firm root amongst three vocalists (although Damien does the predominant work) and brooding, personal lyrics, Dead Letter Auction's plan of attack has them utilizing roots in hardcore and *true* emo (don't even think of Dashboard Confessional). Damien's vocals may come across as awkward upon the first listen, but with such deliberately honest contributions from the lyrical department, they shouldn't be done in any other style. The best description is to say they are forcefully sung/spoken. Dead Letter Auction has diversified their style since their founding four years ago. They're much more comfortable in using melodies and dynamics and while they used to be much harder, now the band has learned how to best utilize the hardcore screams and harsh guitar tones at just the right moment in order to best amplify their emotional intent. Much of their current material is reminiscent of Ebullition and Gravity Records releases, with perhaps some 400 Years thrown in for good measure. Listening to **Vertigo**, I found what is no doubt one of the most exciting and original bands (especially live) not only from Indiana, but in the U.S. Kurt Morris
Action Man Magazine – January 2003
I can't help but wonder if Dead Letter Auction have listened to the Van Pelt, whose album Sultans of Sentiment would be considered one of the best emo records ever, had pop bands like Jimmy Eat World and the Get Up Kids not been lumped into the genre. See, the Van Pelt were on the artier side of Emosville: minimal guitar clangs gave way to spoken prose, often becoming bursts and shouts but never leaning toward pop music. Dead Letter Auction have been compared to screamo bands like Portraits of Past, and they've been called hardcore a number of times as well. Either Vertigo marks a big departure for the band, or most zine writers just haven't heard the Van Pelt.
Of course, it's entirely possible that Dead Letter Auction combined elements of hardcore, spoken/sung lyrics and textured minimalism and arrived by chance at a place which other bands had already visited. Everything on Vertigo is sincere, but not forced; intelligent, but not too cerebral. Keyboards bubble around the surface in places, recalling Joy Division without breaking the mood set by the album's heavier moments. The lyrics teeter between abstract and political, which is a hell of a lot better than singing about April memories holding hands or some shit.
All in all, you'll like Dead Letter Auction if you like the Van Pelt. If you've never heard of either, you should still give Vertigo a spin if you're hungry for some moody post-hardcore. Paul J. Lombardi

Calamity project - December 2002
indiana's dead letter auction unleashes this 7 song EP on excusions into the abyss. i've heard this band be called screamo, but they're more or less somber, straight up indie. the songs on this EP are a collection of dark indie/pop songs that are laden with melodies and catchy rhythms and hooks.
the one thing i like about this band the most is that their sound reminds me of saetia's mellow parts, and has build ups like portaits of past. i guess you can call this stuff screamo in a sense, but it's more of an indie/emo/pop sound in my opinion. the songs on the record tend to pull emotions out of you, and move you. dark, brooding melodies and rhythms keep you hooked from start to finish.
definitely a must have for anyone who's a fan of dark indie/pop/emo, or a fan of screamo's more mellow parts. an excellent listen, and worth checking out.

Collective Zine - April 2003
I remember getting a 7" a while back by these guys and it was a pretty cool screamy emo type thing. Well, obviously they have gotten bored of screaming a lot, like Engine Down and 12 Hour Turn and all those other dudes who started making indie rock once their voices got too fucked up or something. Well, Dead Letter Auction may have stopped yelling but they still make some pretty interesting music. It is melodic and has a fairly spacey flavour to the guitars, which works quite nicely. This really does make me think of that kind of more recent Lovitt Records sound (if there is such a thing) and over the 7 tracks here, Dead Letter Auction have done a decent job. They mix up the instrumentation and it sounds as though there may be some strings on here at times although it is difficult to tell. Adds to the atmosphere mind you. The vocals go from sung to this strange kind of monotone sing-shout, that is a terrible description I know but you'll have to put up with it. Overall this is a solid effort that I can enjoy but I doubt I would come back to it too often. If you like things like the newer Engine Down or Bats and Mice you might want to check this out. - andy malcolm

Stickfigure - May 2002
Dead Letter Auction “Vertigo” cd (excursions into the abyss) - Indiana’s dead letter auction have been listening to a lot of radiohead over the past year. While there are definite traces of their mid 90’s screamy hardcore sound from their earlier releases, dead letter auction have successfully melded those influences with radioheadesque pop hooks and pop melodies, complete with a dual vocals that play off each other very well.

Invisibleyouth.com - December 2002
This is a nice indie rock band that kicks out some well-written jams. With jams that sound somewhat similar to Modest Mouse and Portrait at times, DLA pulls off some very welcomed dynamics and a mix of vocals between singing and very occasional screamed vocals.

Pucknation - March 2002
Score: 7 (of ten)
i heard this band compared to Portraits of Past. Although that comparision isn't completely inaccurate, Portraits of Past had this insane energy that would just boil over into complete rage, and while Dead Letter Auction never really acheives that. They do sound like Portraits of Past in their build-ups, they just never take them as far as they could. However, they are still a good band, and totally stand on their own. i would definitely suggest this band to anyone that has liked the emo records that Ebullition has put out over the years. Shaun Ketterman

Popshot - September 2002
There seems to be a lot of fuss over the freshest New York band. The dopest too. Dead Letter Auction are probably not aware of this. They play mid-tempo screamo with political and personal lyrics, sloppy rhythms, and High School sweetheart guitar work. Perfect for days when you woke up late and walked into the living room to find a note from your boyfriend telling you that he and your best friend are moving to Saigon to head up Wal-Mart's new sweatshop. Tyler McDaniel

X-Mist: - January 2003
7 songs in 25 minutes by this band from Indiana, playing somewhat alternative indie-rock with an emotive inner tension... so this band can be filed somewhere in between bands like SAETIA or PORTRAITS OF PAST, and MODEST MOUSE or RADIOHEAD on the other side! really well-done!

Heartattack #35 - August 2002
Dead Letter Auction play mid tempo rock with spoken/shouted vocals that are too loud, of course. The music is competently played and well recorded. They slow down and speed up here and there. The lyrics are personal and introspective. Steve Snyder

Razorcake #12 - February 2003
I had almost forgotten that shoegazing could sound like this, probably because I sold every last noise-pop record I ever owned that was this horrible to a record store which pandered shamelessly to Anglophilic Britpop fans who wore their bangs in their eyes, boys and girls alike. This is rock for the no self-esttem set, music for people who long for records that were released 12 years ago but still want to pretend to keep up with the times. While I'm sure the band would call this emo (and they'd be right if they were referring to self-indulgent shit in musical form), it has still been a long time since I've heard a record which is singularly this awful, regardless of the genre. On the bright side, I've always wanted an orange coaster. Puckett

here's a review that's in german!
this is google's transalation: (which is confusing , if not humorous)
Evaluation:
At a time these days, those dark and full with precipitation are reach me these CD of DEAD TYPE CHARACTER AUCTION. As fitting, I thought as I the CD for the first time through-heard myself...
From away Wayne/Indiana come DEAD TYPE CHARACTER AUCTION, which already formed itself 1998 to volume. As the first publication they brought a D.I.Y. demo CD out, rockten with approx. 125 Shows and four routes the United States. A 7"-ep "Romancing the Actors" followed after Excursions Into The Abyss. Now thus the third plate of the four Americans!
DLA go in music with clear, minimalistic guitars a tacken toward THE CURE. Key board effects, very melancholische & melodioese guitar work (m. Choruseffekt) refer to it. Straight with the second Song "From A Forest ton of The Sea"...
In addition, the songs could be compared by structures and sounds with those by Van Pelt, Sonic Youth, Radiohead, Les Savy Fav. Sometimes the inclined working singing will be responsible for the latter, which is nearly always mehrstimmig by the way. Generally one speaks probably here rather of the alternative Indie skirt, mixed with Wave.
The melodies work sometimes very slowly-acting (necessarily not meant negative) & very melancholisch. That does not mean however that DEAD TYPE CHARACTER AUCTION can come out not also from itself, because with/two Songs can be them also in parts times a little screamy... Nevertheless: I would have wished myself nevertheless somehow with the Durchhoeren more alternation wealth. The sound was almost perfectly taken up and merged brilliant and. As said, I had my problems with these CD because of the relative monotonousness. After I belonged it to me now however three to five times, I can say: "the album has which!"


Cancer of Time

Punk Planet [#59 - Jan/Feb2004]
i love this record. Dead Letter Auction play quiet/loud indie rock with a harder edge. This little demon is filled with changes and beautifully dissonant guitar lines. The songs have lots of melody and instrumentation, so there's never a dull moment. The guitars are simply amazing and, at times remind me of Engine Down or Shotmaker. i don't think there's a bad song on this whole CD. There are quiet moments, but the urgency and energy never let up. The vocals are done in the shouted/sung way that fits so well with this style of music. Great band. Krystle Miller

Calamity Project [11/17/03]
i loved this band's previous EP "vertigo", and upon receiving this cd i was excited to check it out. these guys got even better! this being their first full length, their sound has evolved a bit more. they took the sound of the "vertigo" cd and expanded on it, and created a melodic, moving record. like vertigo, this record enthralls you, pulling emotions out of you. their songwriting is up there with the best of the indie and emo (mid 90's emo, for those of you who can't distinguish what i mean by emo). the band has a great ability to use melody and passion to their advantage, and this is very apparent on this record. it's got a very fugazi/early dischord kind of feel to it in many respects, and also kind of reminds me of elements of need, and at times i get that policy of three sort of feel. really awesome. their jammed out, melodic parts are ones to be admired, as well as their more intense parts. all in all, this is an amazing full length, and a great follow up from "vertigo". don't make the mistake of passing this up, it's one of those gems that you just can't miss out on.

Hartboiled [8/06/03]
I was really doubting that there would ever come something new concerning music ever again, but Dead Letter Auction showed me that there was no reason to doubt! The bass could be the Fugazi bass, the drums are very pounding and tricky and the guitars play beautiful melodies which always rise to infectious parts. Dead Letter Auction manage it to build up such a great tension and for me they are one of the best indie-rock bands around. The vocals remind me of Robert Smith of The Cure sometimes, but it is often more energetic. Some parts of "Give Chance" even remind me of the calm Isis parts, and I know how strange that must sound to you, but it is really cool. The CD is very appealing, it has beautiful black and white pictures, beautiful fonts, beautiful lyrics and beautiful everything! I am really looking forward to the upcoming releases by Dead Letter Auction and you guys should really listen to this one, it is just plain great music. Marcia

Exoduster.com [8/01/03]
Since 1998, Dead Letter Auction (from recently flooded Fort Wayne, IN) have been playing and working as many young bands on sort do. Yet, over some fall outs and ins, the core of DLA has stuck together through a variety of EPs, 7"s and tours to finally knock out their first full-length with Cancer of Time. Starting off on "Foreshadow" like Jazz June's cousin, DLA begin their quickly defining sound of swirling guitars, mid-tempo drums and whiny distant vocals of the indie breed and reminiscent of the cadences of ATDI. The most characteristic aspect of their sound is no doubt the vocals and the guitars. Specifically, the guitars are sans distortion throughout most of the record's twelve tracks and only come in sparingly otherwise. As you might expect this adds to the indie feel of the record and unfortunately a somewhat tin-like sounding recording. However, I think this does not necessarily detract from the sound that DLA is attempting to tackle. That this is case is probably more
impressive since they did the recording and had the mix done in 20 hours in Chicago. Cancer of Time is one of those albums where it is hard to pick out a song or two because the twelve fit well together as one. One drawback to that is it is hard to differentiate between songs so if you played them on shuffle it would be hard to know what's what. DLA have come out with a solid first full-length on Cancer of Time and if they are able to stick around long enough, they should come out on top after getting their just exposure. Brian Fogarty aka, The Professor

Light Up The Sky: [7/10/03]
Rating: 7 out of 10
Dead Letter Auction are a four-piece rock group from the boondocks of Fort Wayne, Indiana who have tactfully taken on a sound that mixes 90's innovative indie-rock with 80's style vocal work. On this, their first full length release, the group have devoted themselves to seeing that they live out the fantasy cross-breeding of The Cure and At The Drive-In that they've been aiming for. It's a plan that toes the lines of complete disaster, however the band pull it off dazzlingly well.
On opening tracks like "Foreshadow" and "Never To End", the band charge through their songs with heavy doses of Dischord-esque tempos and Omar Rodriguez-patent guitar-note construction. During this process, vocalists Damian Hade and Jarod Isenbarger try tirelessly to adapt the larynx of a young Robert Smith. It's a combination that seems like a bad pairing, but at times it really works. This is evident on the slower numbers like "Excise" when the music drags down to a Manchester post-punk pace and drenches the listener in London fog.
The highlight on the disc is the albums title track and the disc's closer, "Cancer of Time". It starts off with haunting guitars and chiming pianos that pick up at a medium pace at about a minute and ten seconds in. From there, the drums blow open to encompass a heavy hitting bass line while the vocals trade pleas with the octave chords on the six-string. It repeats the same pattern and concludes with another minutes worth of dreary mood music to finish off the the disjointed lyrics - which sound like a cut and paste journal entry.
Overall the release is solid, but at times the songs drag on a minute too long or the vocals sound a little too monotonous. It's the excess fat that needs to be trimmed, and surely maturity with time will do so. Until then, give this album a listen because it's a well-documented beginning of a band that is just starting to get things going. MA

STNT: [11/24/03]
« C’est le nouvel album de Robert Smith ? » dixit un Curiste de passage (véridique !)…Non juste le premier long effort de Dead Letter Auction qui avait mis la puce à l’oreille dernièrement avec un précédent Ep très prometteur. Si la blague est facile concernant le mimétisme touchant entre la voix du guitariste chanteur de Dead Letter Auction et le leader de The Cure, il n’en reste pas moins que ce « cancer of time » est le pont idéal entre le rock new wave des anglais et le post hardcore de Fugazi, première époque. Et si ce raccourcis vous semble simpliste vous pouvez rajouter à la liste les noms de North of America, the Regulator Watts, the Plan…pour ne citer qu’eux ! Mais au-delà de ces rapprochements toujours trop rapides, Dead Letter Auction développe à travers ces douze chansons une atmosphère tendue, mélancolique presque dépressive…tout en passant par des poussées de rage compréhensible. Et même si le disque s’essouffle un tout petit peu sur la fin, Dead Letter Auction arrive à tenir en haleine à l’aide d’une tension et d’une énergie palpable tout le long de cet album très réussi. A ne pas louper !

greg (24/11/03)

rough translation:
"It is the new album of Robert Smith? "dixit Curiste of passage (veracious!)... Not just first long effort of Dead Letter Auction which had put the chip at the ear lately with very promising a Ep precedent. If the joke is easy concerning the imitation touching between the voice of the guitarist singer of Dead Letter Auction and the leader of The Cure, it does not remain about it less than this "cancer of time" is the ideal bridge between the rock'n'roll new wave of English and the post hardcore of Fugazi, first time. And if this short cuts seems to you simplistic you can add with the list the names of North of America, the Regulator Watts, the Plane... to quote only them! But beyond these bringings together always too fast, Dead Letter Auction develops through these twelve songs a tended atmosphere, melancholic person almost depressive... while passing by pushes of comprehensible rage. And even if the disc blows very small little on the end, Dead Letter Auction manages to hold in breath using a tension and of a palpable energy all along this very successful album. With not louper!

AMG REVIEW: [8/04/03]
Although the Indiana four-piece Dead Letter Auction have numerous releases under their belt since forming in 1998, Cancer of Time is their first full-length. Having endured many lineup changes, their original is back together on this recording. One of the things that first comes to attention is that the vocal tone is redundant for most of the album, with a pleading, painful sound emitted from the vocalist's throat. It helps at some moments and at others it seems to distract from the music. Musically, the band seems to be a bipolar personality, with the occasional fast part and then the distorted, ambient portion, followed by the typical emo-hardcore posings. Compared to past releases, the feel is certainly much darker, making for a more mature and dramatic listening. All told, Cancer of Time is welded together to make for a solid release, potentially one of the best of the band's career. — Kurt Morris

Delusions of Adequacy: [9/08/03]
Dead Letter Auction is a group that attempt to transplant the post-hardcore vibe of DC circa 1991 to Chicago, circa now. Cancer of Time begins with the Fugazi- (ahem) inspired “Foreshadow.” It’s got the biting angular guitar lines and even comes complete with some Guy Piciotto-esque back up screams. Most of the album continues along similar fashion of a band trying to sound like they belong on Dischord Records.
The band plays with passion and intensity, but its influences are worn a little too proudly on sleeves. They’ve incorporated the dissonance, distortion, and minor chords that bands from the nation’s capitol all but have a trademark on. There are traces of influence from a slew of post-hardcore groups be they: Juno, the Exploder, Shiner, At the Drive-In etc.
At times, when the music is most melodic, the vocalist manages to sound quite similar to the oft-anguished Robert Smith of the Cure. When this happens, the result is a pleasing mixture of melody and aggression. However, mostly the vocals are delivered in a monotonous scream to go along with the abrasive rhythms.
The album closer is the title track. On it, Dead Letter Auction finally pull off what was missed on the other 11 songs. They manage to create an original song that blends angular post-hardcore guitar with an underlying sense of melody, and layer it with violins, creating a sound that best compliments the vocals. The result is an emotionally resonant closer. If Dead Letter Auction is able to repeat this success in future efforts, it may be on to something. In the meantime, this is a band struggling to create music that is something more than mediocre. - Dan

indieworkshop.com [8/05/03]
Honestly…I wanted to dislike this band after the 5th listen. I’m not kidding and I’ll openly admit that I have a bitchy ear. If I’m not into it by the second listen; it’s in the heap collecting in my closet. The other day I was tossing this record towards that pile when the front door buzzed and I set “Cancer of Time” on my desk next to my duct tape and Aquafina (yes…a water snob as well). DLA did not walk the plank that day by god, so they’ve remained only to be sacrificed on the critic’s altar.
I’m not going to “front” that this is the best thing since locking headstocks or the inception of “laptop” as a valid and playable instrument. What this is is the follow up to “Vertigo”. They’ve tossed together a mix-mash of hardcore, spoken/sung lyrics and textured minimalism to create a sound that at times other writers have likened to Robert and crew of the Cure. Blind me in one eye and pour salt in the other and I can, at times, see this is true. What I do know is that this is a band that’s had ten line up changes since 1998 and like to put that as pertinent point on their one-sheet. I applaud the effort, I really do. Again, I’m bitchy.
DLA do have their moments. The opening on “cut” number 12 is melodically serene. The drums drive, the guitars jingle jangle and a moving keyboard line jumps around a bit. Then all hell breaks loose once again much like the rest of the record. After a while it gets harder to tell each tune apart. Dead Letter does sound like they’d be a good, groovy live show. I believe they feel the same way and I quote the one-sheet, “ The high energy (no hyphen needed) and inescapable grooves are accomplished through pounding bass and drums.” Yes, this is true, what is not is any kind of parallel with The Cure.
I’d say this is good for a few songs then you’ll need to change it up and come back to it again. Musically, it’s an attention grabber, and sometimes the yell/scream/sing/shout/ spoken word action gets a little tiresome, especially if you stay in the same two- tone range the entire time. I’d say spice things up with some ass busting screams and a little start stop, or maybe don’t liken yourself to Radiohead in your one-sheet (hmmm, I used a hyphen). To the general public take these words as a grain of salt. Go see for yourself; they’re on tour soon. To find dates, pop Dead Letter Auction in on Google and ride the curl.
You see I’m a fan of a record I can spin for a couple hours. You know, front to back, side to side and all that shit. And this just isn’t one of them. That’s the anthem, get your damn hands up! - Todd

Bornbackwards.com [12/30/03]
Dead Letter Auction is a pretty good band from Fort Wayne, Indiana. They have nice, angular guitar parts and a nice wall-of-noise-always-distorted Trail of Dead quality. I might think they were a great band, but I can’t get past their singer. His voice annoys me. Very Badly. And I like Jawbreaker with Blake Schwarzenbach’s perpetual smoker’s voice, and Bright Eyes with Conor Oberst’s voice shaking every time he hits too low a note. At his best, Dead Letter Auction's singer reminds me of Guy Picciotto of Fugazi. At his worst, he seems to spout words without regard to time or melody, which makes me just want to turn the CD off. The lyrics are totally indecipherable because of his sloppy singing. Voice doubling doesn’t seem to help either, because some people just aren’t meant to sing.
The first track, “Foreshadow”, is the best. The guitar parts remind me of Cursive’s Domestica and the drums beat out an interesting post-punk rhythm. It seamlessly fades into the second song and the vocals begin to grate on my nerves. But wow, the music is good. Most of the subsequent tracks really fall into a formula of quiet start, loud middle, quiet end. And as a result, the songs tend to blur together. All except for the last track, my second favorite on the record. It starts off with undistorted guitar, and a keyboard set on the violin setting. It sounds pretty awesome. Even when the vocals start in, I don’t mind that much. The guitar work reminds me of The Get up Kids guitar parts from Woodson and Four Minute Mile. Anything that recalls their early stuff is listenable in my book. Their lyrics are pretty well written poetic stuff. In “Foreshadow” they quote The Aenid, and the second song is just one long quote from Black Spring by Henry Miller (the author of Tropic of Cancer).
I bet these guys would be a great live performance, kinda like how Thursday’s live performace comes across better than any of their records can. Check this out if you think you can handle the vocals. - Austin

PA Hardcore:
some decent indie rock type stuff. it suprisingly kept my interest to the 9th song before i took it out to put in guns and roses. it reminds me of alot of those weirdo bands revelation was putting out after the figured hardcore wasnt cool anymore. the musics really solid but the vocals get super obnoxious after awhile. sometimes it reminds me of prema and sometimes garrison. not great but if indie rock is your steez id recommend it. good layout. Wawa Strike

X-mist:
NEW - 1st full album (12 songs) by this indie-rock/emocore band from Indiana, often described as "the CURE meets FUGAZI", but definitely also comparable to bands like 400 YEARS, or at times even like SHOTMAKER with a clearer sound.

Insound:
dead letter auction's debut full length cd is twelve tracks of music that delivers enough melody and dynamic changes which makes it more interesting the vast majority of indie rock albums released this year. The guitar sound ranges from loud and distorted to quiet subtle dissonances. The high-energy and inescapable grooves are accomplished through pounding bass and drums. Dead letter auction will appeal to fans of juno, trail of the dead, sonic youth, dinosaur jr, radiohead, at the drive in and more.