I take comfort in this

On the Hades resource page, I made it to numbers 273 and 371 with my participation in Cataract Falls, the most embarrassing of all my endeavors.
http://www.econemisis.com/Gra-to-Ham/hades.php

It's an interesting read, if you have the time.

Issue #6

Issue #6 - re-evaluation came out February 2001
It took a long time for this issue to come out, many delays, and personal things. It was the last issue I completed and put out, despite intentions. the red heroine cd came out around this time. there's an idea in one of these pieces that evolved into in my sole lyrical contribution to that band ("Green or not, there are other pastures, far from here. I am not running away"). I was pretty bitter about something, I can't remember. I think maybe Jarod (actually, I don't think it was him, but a few other friends combined, I can't remember) and I had a little fight or something. The piece on "the poop house" and the bat is one of my favorites. I should do some reworking and editing sometime or something. Yes we actually called our house "the poop house" - you'll see why.

It's probably hard for everyone to keep track of all the different Chris's that get mentioned in the issues. There are three total: Chris Lawhorn (played drums in Cataract Falls and is Ramona and Beezus), Chris Pownall (played bass in DLA starting in summer of 1999 and broke the band up more than anything or anyone else), and Chris Leaman (Lint's owner and me and Josh's roommate in "the poop house"). There are also two Johns. John Cheesebrew (roommate multiple times and drummer of Dead Letter Auction multiple times, I think from 1998 - 1999 and then again in 2004 and singer for red heroine) and John McCormick (also the drummer of Dead Letter Auction from 2001 - 2003, we kinda shared a bed and stuff). These guys all were very awesome and still are!!! and have accomplished other things besides the above mentioned. Look them up someday in the future and you'll realize they were ahead of their time.

I'm just going to re-type up almost the entire issue. This one, I am almost proud of.
*** = new page/or section. you're smart, you'll figure it out.


***
And here we are again.
This issue was supposed to be (a recurring theme) a split issue with Jeremy J Jacobs (also affectionately known as Jeremy J Jackass, aka jeremy xabstentionx, aka that kid on the cover of the Birthright CD "Out of Darkness"). Like always things change, and this is not a split issue. Maybe someday we will put one together.
Who am I kidding really? Progress is being made, albeit baby steps, it is being made, and that has to count for something right?
I shouldn't tell you about the things I intend on doing because tomorrow I will change my mind and then who knows? Never cry wolf. I am doing one more printed issue (#7), then I am taking a break. I am at a point where I think I need to take a step back and think about the relevance and (un)importance, but that's this theme's issue, if you will; reevaluating things I am doing and those around me, especially. It's an endless process too often over looked.
Stand By Me is a great movie, it is one of my favorites, because of the message it sends; the importance of friendship. I think about my friends all the time. Last night I watched it with a relatively new friend and the part that stuck me this time was something to the affect of - don't stick around your friends, if your friends will drag you down. That's an awful thought to have, but it makes sense. And I have been walking away more and more.
A lot has changed since the last time we met like this.
There was a period of time where my mindset was it seems I have lost a lot of the things I held most dear to me, proving either nothing lasts forever or nothing is what it seems. I have been staying home and away from everyone as much as possible. Now I think I am beginning again.

I hope this finds you well. Please write. Thank you and take good care.
Damian - September 1999 - January 2001

***
I write with a pen that has run dry.





***
I write with a pen that only bleeds.
[um what was on this page doesn't need to be reprinted]
***
I trace with this pen, not write.
you have heard it all before.
not only from me, but also from those that have come before me, you will hear it from those that will continue to come. If you are alive, you have heard it in your own thoughts.
I am alone.
I am restless.
I feel empty.
I am surrounded.
I am confined.
I long.
***

tonight I made sure that my intake of caffeine was high, almost an overdose, if you will. I feel the effects, my right arm aches which in turn makes it hard to keep hold of the pen I use to write this.

Recently I have been toying around with the thought of running away. It's a strange thought to entertain at 22 years of age. Running away sounds like something straight out of high school. I also associate it with escaping one's parents; I am not currently in either of my parents' home. It seems we have been getting along pretty well lately. It's been longer than lately, Things between us took a turn awhile back. I don't know maybe we just don't see enough of each other to realize how much the other is a fuck up.
I don't know if I am really trying to escape anything, or just trying to leave it behind, move on. It would be running away, just the same.
I have grown tired of being frustrated due to the people that surround me. I know I will run into this anywhere I go, but....
I can't help thinking that it would be better. Green or not, there are other pastures. My thoughts are with my heart which is so distant from here.
I watch so many of my friends, even close ones, accept things they dislike and speak in disapproving tones of because it's all they can get. I follow so close behind at times. We are all so impatient. Our destinations lie so close, but we are all so stubborn, or lazy, or two steps away from becoming jaded. Those of us that do work together make little progress. We are all poor. And no one wants to give young people an ear for an afternoon. So I feel like I am treadmilled. I need to feel like I am making some sort of progress, even if I am only fooled, I have made that abundantly clear by now. Since I feel no sense of progress, I keep thinking that I should leave the things that seem to confine me. yet I stay put, because of attachment.
Attachments are evil.
there are always exceptions.
If you could/would come with me, we would burn all of this to the ground; never to look back, never to come back.
The sun is coming up.
I think I said what I needed to.
Thanks for listening.
***

Fall 1999

I would say that it's the better half of us that are concerned about or at least immensely aware of the adverse affects of little sleep, or complete deprivation has on us; meaning, we live it. All the while loving tiredness' embrace, I despise sleep under the assumption that sleep is actually a waste of time; there is the whole world waiting to have me explore it with my own eyes. However, I rarely get out of the confines of this city, or even these bedroom walls.
I have recently realized that my lack of sleep has fed paranoia. I may also happen to note that this is probably equally fed by the house I am currently residing in.
I moved out of my parent's home, which I was temporarily staying in after our ill fated, but equally fun tour (see issue 5). It's a comfortable enough house, but it's my parent's house. I felt suffocated. It's weird. I feel that I must be reserved and respect my parent's normal sleeping patterns. I wouldn't have even thought of it eight years ago. This is made more ironic by my sisters obsessive and excessive partying and loudness throughout all hours of the night. I also no longer have a room to call my own. I was stationed in the guest bedroom which used to be my sister's room. She moved into my old room after I moved out almost four years ago.
It is equally weird and cool hanging out with my little sister until 4 am in a room I once considered home. It sends me back to the days when I would have friends (actually girlfriends), come over after school and then somehow manage to sneak them out after my step-mom returned from work, without getting caught. We weren't willing to part until after she came home and it was absolutely necessary for them to leave, none of this before she comes home business. The thrill provided for some great fun. This is the room I taught myself how to play guitar in.
I think combined factors made me slip into intense insanity and an extremely low feeling, it made me seriously feel like a loser. I just couldn't take it anymore, so I moved out.
The house I moved into has a great many more faults, very few pros actually. In fact, the only one is to be away from my parents. Maybe being able to practice, but again the inability is traceable back to being in my parent's house. Which, when I really think about it, this place is worse than being there. All of this I failed to take notice of, or even consider as a possibility prior to this desperate act of freedom seeking.
I hate all forms of insects and rodents (including those that take on the human form). This house must serve as some sort of fallout shelter or safehouse for these species/orders. I have had a great number of run ins with these residents. Even though I am vegan and an advocate for animal rights, I cannot find it anywhere even remotely close to my heart to find sympathy for these disgusting creatures. There are mice, which the thought frightens and completely disgusts me to no end. There is some form of a half-bred centipede that we are surely convinced of being some sort of alien race come to claim our home, then the rest of the planet to enslave all of the humans.
Then there is Lint, our faithfully shitting as soon as you turn you back to, dog. He is still a young puppy but already half my size (which is larger than Jarod) and he likes to pee wherever, whenever, and as much as possible. He will eat ANYTHING within reach; CD players (I think he claimed the lives of 2) CDs (100's), shoes, dishes, clothing, trash, tools, furniture... His excrement creates such a stench that you can smell it before even reaching the steps of the front porch to enter the house. Which I am sure members of Dead Season, Outhud, Charm City Suicides, and Appleseed Cast will attest to. Which is quite embarrassing.
The house also serves as a place where underage kids come to drink with the other housemates, who seem to only be around to enable such atrocious acts. I say it's an act of genocide, but again, I haven't been sleeping much and am quite paranoid.
Which brings us to the bat that terrorized me and others for four days. For sometime after I would still get freaked out by the whole situation. I was in bed in my sleeping attire, which I offer isn't much at all, reading Henry Miller's Black Spring at approximately 4 am, when all of a sudden this bat just appears in my room circling at head level, getting way too close. Dangerously so. I freaked and pulled the "covers" over my head and began screaming for help. My attempt was futile. There were 3 doors, 2 stereos and a floor separating me from Josh, who happened to just move in the night all of this occurred; which I couldn't help but think it was Josh just messing with me, or maybe he is that bat! (in my sleep deprived madness). He had actually just returned from a walk ten minutes prior to all of this, and had to climb to the second floor to get in, because the front door was locked and I couldn't hear him knocking.
The bat finally left my room and began circling the hallway in a pace like pattern. I shut my door and proceeded to put on clothing that covered every part of my body. I peaked out and it was gone. So, I quickly ran down the stairs and opened the door to find the bat had somehow managed to get through a closed door. Again I started yelling for Josh and brought Lint's attention to it. He started barking. Josh has an equally disliking for critters. So he screamed and slammed his bedroom door. He reappeared ducking, with more clothes on and a ball cap, obviously as some sort of wishful thinking type armor. We proceeded to turn on every light we could. Bats mustn't be too fond of light, being they're nocturnal, or so we figured, knowing full well bats are actually blind.
Lint continuously jumped in a circular pattern, barking. I opened the front door and told the bat that it should kindly get out. Lint took this as a cue and bolted out the door and down the street. I was half tempted to just let him go. Josh and I hated that dog. We went and fetched him out of respect and empathy for the dog's owner, Chris (Lehman).
We didn't see the bat for the rest of the morning or day. It was rather unsettling. Which provided provisions to further prevent me from sleeping. The mice running around the house is something that just feeds the sleep deprived induced paranoia.
The next evening we left Chris's girlfriend, Jessica alone and we went to watch an "illegal" showing of a movie.
I received reports at 6am the following morning that the bat had literally chased Jessica out of the house. She had her dog, Zoe with her too. I was told that Lint and Zoe had possibly attacked the bat!
The next morning I awoke around 5 am in a sweat after hearing "the bat is in your room" repeated repeatedly only to hear mad shuffling from under my bed. I turned my light on, thinking it was a mouse. The shuffling moved into the center of the room, which my room is such a mess, it provided for plenty of cover. I turned on another light and what looked like to be a jet black mouse, but in fact was the injured bat. This was immediately followed by screams for Chris. Chris managed to capture it in a shoebox. The bat did put in a pretty good fight, hissing, showing it's teeth and carrying on.
I couldn't fall asleep and kept brushing myself off in a paranoia stricken fear that it may have actually been in my bed, or even worse yet, it may have touched me. I recalled seeing a black shape under my bed against the wall, when Jarod was over and I was trying to find something for him, I dismissed it as some type of paper or some other sort of trash. So I got up to check, and sure enough, it was no longer there.
I slept for three hours today. the day before maybe five, and the day before that not much better. At times I do wonder how much longer until I go completely insane?

***

end.

I moved back into my parents house over a year ago. This is an option that I never want to take, but it was all I had to turn to. Every escape attempt has proven itself useless. I used to have friends I could depend on more than my parents.
On Saturday, May 30, 2000, my van broke down. I decided to abandon it, after 2 long years, and a few major repairs. I left it where it sat, untraceable for over five months in the parking lot of a shut down gas station. They had to work around it to remove the gas tanks. Some of the kids and I joked around about totally destroying it, setting fire, and endless other combinations.
You can get comfortable thinking that people are alright, then a situation presents itself shedding new light and you find they aren't all you made them out to be. this is a great flaw of mine; hence "romancing the actors."
I lost my job at a record store, due solely to a fellow employee, a known felon, who was knowingly stealing from the place exaggerated quite extensively. After explaining my position I was asked to come back. I refused. Again my dad bails me out with a job. Ironically, I am now back at the record store and I am the manager.
I went on tour again, July 11-16, very short. I went to places I've never been. Dead Letter Auction played one of our best shows ever in the least likely of places. I met Tyler and Simon, of the Falling. They will leave life long impressions on my heart. I come home and someone I either seemingly mistook or forced to be one of my best friends breaks my heart in the most elementary of ways. This was my fault, somehow. But "all is fair in love and war" and forgiven.

(11.06.00; 12:46am

it's like...
Time can be so easily misspent that you can waste an entire lifetime.
My greatest fear is wasting time and/or life.
Where am I going?
What am I doing?
one letter difference life - lie.
As I'm writing this, Al Pacino, in the movie Heat screams "Don't waste my motherfucking time" at someone. I repeat these words daily)

(11.16.00; 6:22am

I cannot sleep. I am not even tired. My eyes ache, burn, itch, and are watery. No not allergies. I try closing them and I am sealed inside an oil drum spinning down moguls.
I catch a trace of her shampoo. I arch, squirm, stretch, and sigh. She's gone. I am not lonely. Of course I miss her. This thought traces other thoughts of how the way certain smells people have; lotions, perfumes, shampoos, etc, can crush you and make your heart ache.
I write when I cannot sleep. What else can I do? Right now, I almost wish I had weird computer or video games, but I swear on all I know that they mess you up.
I think about sanity a lot. Brad Pitt's character from the movie se7en starts asking me if I know how insane I am. No.
I keep thinking that things will work out and that I am well taken care of, if I can just wait it out, take care of a few responsibilities and obligations and stay optimistic. and it does.
you have to lose to win.
while spring and summer seem to have been pretty rotten, autumn has been good to me this year. letting everything fall into place, back on course. for what? success, of course - in terms of being able to stand on my own and be as happy as I can possibly be. Winter promises it will be even better.
I keep wanting to just roll over, turn the light off, pull the blankets over my head, curl up, and just let go. I can't. I know it will be futile, in vain.
I am ready to rock out.
these thoughts are far from complete or being resolved)

(01.01.01; 00:01 am

Almost everyday I drive I-69 southbound, whether it be to work, Sara's, John's, shows that get canceled. Around mile marker 110 there is a sign that reads, "Remember who your friends are." It is an advertisement, for what is irrelevant. However I often wonder if some of my peers drove passed this sign as much as I do, if they would remember to remember.)

***
this was a gift I gave you.
I don't have any answers. I miss the innocence. I miss the friendships. but at the same time, you turn a corner and hear the things said about you, when you are not around. It's sickening. We're not even friends anymore and I don't want to be; only in your absence am I able to see clearly.
Chances are this will be misunderstood, no specifics, just abstract thoughts. I think my friends are better than they really are. I counted on too many people and things far too much. I am not putting anyone down, just moving on. such is the process.
this is not about you.
It would be foolish of me not to mention Sara, John McCormick, and even Byron for in the very least providing the ears, encouragement, advice, and or understanding, in the last few months.

I owe some of you an apology and wish you all the best of luck.

Issue #5

Issue 5 - sacrifice - came out September 1999.
I've noticed a pattern of great things happening in my life every year September - October and then in March-April. Of course good things happen outside of that, but generally I'm at my peaks during these times. The covers of this issue had glow in the dark, silver, and black ink.

This was the issue I finally learned how to spell weird correctly, which I completely overused.
I like a couple of my short little rant/aphorisms/whatever so I include those now, but the main focus of this issue was the tour Dead Letter Auction, Cataract Falls, and Ramona and Beezus went on together. It was pretty nuts and very ill fated. Looking back, I have very fond memories despite all this. We were a bunch of silly boys getting in the van for what was supposed to be a long tour. We had done short ones here and there, but in no way were we prepared for this. We had no peers to ask, and no idea what lay ahead. Again so much not documented. the rant about the hidden chord is awesome; I remember at the time being really upset about that, even though now I somewhat agree with what they were saying (in few instances). At the time, the shape of our community, I felt it was truly inappropriate. Young and naive, especially the scene after the Goleta show. I still have issues with that, but I'm not as mean or hostile about it.

Overall so much anger and negativity, I shake my head at this person that wrote this account, but there is humor in this telling, I think I wanted it to be more funny than it comes across as.



*** page 3
it's been noticed that I repeat myself. there is purpose.

I think words can heal. I've been looking for so long to find the words to say I hate you, I forgive you, to say thank you, and/or I love you, or even to explain the most basic of things.

For so long I thought I knew, but now I see it's the things not said, the silent agreements.

Potency exists within these words; a sense of urgency; almost desperate, but only because I am impatient. And still I wait.

I am a child full of questions, full of hope. so much to learn, so much to unlearn.

This is a journey not meant to be taken alone, but time and time again our eyes don't meet, our hands don't fold together and too much is misunderstood.

***
page 4
it's repeated. it's repeated. it's repeated. it's repeated. it's repeated. it's repeated.

***
"For the moment I can think of nothing - except that I am a sentient being stabbed by the miracle of these waters that reflect a forgotten world. All along the banks the trees lean heavily over the tarnished mirror; when the wind rises and fills them with a rustling murmur they will shed a few tears and shiver as the water swirls by. I am suffocated by it. No one to whom I can communicate even a fraction of my feelings..." - Henry Miller - The Tropic of Cancer

"Did those who lived in past ages lie sleepless as I do tonight longing for my beloved?" - Hito Maro late 7th Century.

***
tour

Touring, being in a band is a privilege. I think it's overlooked by many people in our position.
I know that there are many people who would love to be able to do these things, even within this scene; therefore, no matter how much I personally lose or how much we lose as a collective, or whatever sort of bad luck may fall upon us, I cannot and will not get too upset about it. Besides, these moments last lifetimes.
On the same level there is a lot of work involved, a lot of pressure, a lot of stress. A lot of sacrifice. It's draining. And so I have to say, if you want something, it's up to you (how often we lose sight of this). So what if you fail, at least you tried and not perished in vain, in wonder.

With that said, this is somewhat of an account of the Dead Letter Auction, Cataract falls, and Ramona and Beezus tour.

Thursday, May 13, 1999
Ft Wayne, IN @ the back door.
Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction, Ramona and Beezus.

Sort of our kick off show I guess. We don't leave until sunday morning though, which if I had known far enough in advance I would have moved this show to Saturday night. But it's too late now, so whatever.

To me it's completely unbelievable that people come out to see us play. It's so cool. To see some of their faces almost every time is so awesome. I wonder if I do my part in return for those that do make it out. I should tell them sometime, but I feel like such a dork and usually end up saying something completely wrong. Like tonight I was trying to explain a song and what came out and what I meant were completely opposite. I think Jarod was the only one to hear what I said. Luckily. Hopefully.

I think all the bands played and sounded good tonight. Jarod and I played with Ramona and Beezus on Dramarama's "Anything, Anything" - it was weird. It's funny watching Jarod play drums, it has a cute like quality to it. Chris and I used to play that song back when we were in high school, ages ago, of course! It was weird to play with him like that again; I mean I know he plays drums in Cataract Falls, but that's so different. It's like a flashback, which makes it hard not to get nostalgic of those days.

This was our (Dead Letter Auction's) first show with Bryan, our second bass player. Nick, who was our first bass player was here. That was weird, it was the first time I had run into him since he quit. We made up, sorta. The thing that made me get weird about the whole thing is he asked if I wanted to use his speaker cabinet while we were on tour, I said "sure" of course. But then he took it without saying another word. Weird, but cool, whatever, you know.

Sunday, May 16, 1999
Chicago, IL @ the Fireside Bowl
Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction, Rom, Jumping Bomb Angel, Lazarus Plot

I made jokes of punk rock fantasy #xxx: playing at the Fireside. Ha! It was my first time there, and for as much hype as the place has, you'd think it would be a lot cooler than it is, oh well. Not to say it isn't cool, but I had higher expectations.

Five kids came up from Fort Wayne. Which is so cool. Byron, Josh, Chris (Pownall), and Caroline came up in Caroline's car. Derek rode in the van with us.

Both bands were pretty sloppy tonight. Cataract Falls more so, of course. I think the stage sound was crappy, but everyone insisted we sounded good. The other bands overall sounded good, so I'm assuming they're not just trying to give us words of encouragement - but still there was something weird about tonight.

I bought a brand new SG on Friday and hadn't really had the time to play it, so this was the first time I ever played it. It's an SG alright. It feels a little different. I like it, the roller bridge I had put on it is really cool too, and should help me from breaking strings as often.

We stayed at Derek's apartment he has up there. He was going to Columbia for film classes. I guess he's going to stay in Fort Wayne next year, which is cool. He's working on a movie, it sounds cool, kind of like a TROMA type funny horror movie. I'm pretty excited about it. I'd like to work with him on that video project I had thought about doing.

Byron, Josh, and I walked down to Lake Michigan from Derek's. It was cool. Not a lot said, but it wasn't one of those awkward silences. There is a lot of cool graffiti and carvings: Mr. Peanut! and weird Aztec looking carvings. On the way back we saw this car completely smashed up under a bridge. We couldn't figure out exactly how it got to it's current position and in the shape it was in and what had caused it.

Derek gave us a lot of canned food to take: beans, corn, peas, and pie filling! It was awesome! I didn't take any which I know I will probably regret later, sorta. I say sorta because somehow in my thought process I came to thinking that being on tour means sacrificing a lot of things to some extent. It's a weird thing, I know, but that's just how it goes in my head.

Monday, May 17th 1999
It's Chris's birthday! He's 21 now.

We left Derek's at 8am. it's now 10:30 am and we're getting the driver's side rear tire's brakes fixed. Shit, first problem already?
It's not as bad as the Cataract Falls tour where our van blew up 40 miles away from home and then spent 3 days and $400 on an engine that would only get us another few hundred miles, and not even out of the state.
As we were driving through North Chicago, there was a weird bang-type noise from under the van. Funny smells and smoke from above mentioned tire. In my brilliance I said, "if you drive fast enough the smoke goes away!" Jokingly, more like wishful thinking that it would somehow magically fix itself, yeah right!!!

We were back on the road at about 1pm. We lost $211 from that. I'm sure we could have fixed that for $50 if we knew how. Next year we should bring a more mechanically inclined person with us, the would be the smart and cool thing to do, so we probably won't.

Tuesday, May 18, 1999
Minneapolis, MN @ Castle Danger
Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction, The Ending Again, and the Hidden Chord.

The show took place in a store turned into a house. It was an amazingly cool space, though it was very hot due to poor circulation.

Both of the other bands were very rock oriented. Is this the new big thing? I hope not. Adam Lewis is in the Ending Again. I really like watching him play drums and miss playing with him (he played with me and Jarod in a band called A photograph to remember you by). The Hidden Chord are a bunch of stupid assholes and their band sucks. They said a lot of derogatory statements directed at us. Like "nobody cares about your opinions" and "don't you hate how bands explain their songs and then scream the lyrics so you can't understand them." The circumstances got to me a bit, not because they were saying this about us, but about half or more of the d.i.y. scene. Needless to say I will never carry any of their, or even their previous, or future bands releases in the record shop I work in. Very much like a boycott. Still riding that ex-members crap. Ordination of Aaron was so long ago anyway.

A lot of people came to the show in Star Wars attire and left after the show was over to go see the premier of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace!!!

Wednesday, May 19, 1999
Rapid City, South Dakota @ Old Story Book Island Park Pavilion
Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction, Mike Ray

Last night I had difficulty sleeping. When I was driving it was really hard to keep my eyes open, they would get really heavy. But then I would go up in the loft and be wide awake. It's always like that.

We went to the bad lands and wore ourselves out. It was awesome. We were running all over and being crazy, climbing everything.

We stopped at Wall Drug and it sucked. Dumb as shit. It's a stupid flea market for brother's fucking their cousins and sisters - that's so awful, but you know you've had those thoughts too, and you know what I mean.

A strange town, Rapid City is.
The show got moved from a house to a park. I guess the kids who were going to have it at their house had a run in with the local law enforcement, I wasn't too clear on why or how, but I think they were posting fliers on telephone polls. At least they were posting fliers! It's cool they moved the show to a park and not cancelled it and all, but I really hate outdoor shows, they just don't seem to work all the well - the way the sound isn't contained at all, etc...

The exhaustion from running through the badlands really showed in the sets tonight, but I still think we did alright.

There seem to be some really cool kids around here. Some of them were cool enough to hang out and talk with us for awhile. It began to sprinkle right after the show was over - good timing!
Jason Wade was there running around acting goofy as hell. A lot of people talk about how crazy he is and I enjoyed the Resin/Still Life split lp - so it was cool to put a face to the name. Kevin, the guy who set up the show is super awesome and we stayed at his place.

Overall things are going really well. I guess we have 5??!!????? days off. I don't know how that happened. AGGGHHHH I hate days off, and this many, agggh I'm going to hurt someone by the third day, I just know it, it will probably be myself, but the intentions are noted.
I guess wer're going to Denver then to Las Vegas, then on to Sacramento to pick up the tour. Money is tight and I've spent way too much of my own on gas, but hey someone's got to do it.

Friday, May 21, 1999
Denver, Colorado

Last night we stayed at the Red Rocks Amphitheater, but didn't know it when we got here though. The place was really cool, well what we could see of it, which wasn't much - it was really dark. We did see a sign warning of mountain lions and rattlesnakes, exciting!!! We slept in the van, in the parking lot. I had a real hard time sleeping, it sucked. so what else is new? When we woke up there were all of these people, cars, and buses all over the place. We eventually gathered that it was for the Columbine High School commencement. It was packed as all get out. I found it somewhat coincidental that I didn't attend my own commencement, but now I'm attending the Columbine graduation in the wake of what happened.

Through all of the confusion Bryan and I lost track of everyone else, so we took off and climbed the hill mountain behind the Amphitheater. It was an easy, yet strenuous climb. We kept saying, "We've come this far, let's keep on going," not realizing that the hill kept on growing while we climbed it. When we finally reached the top we saw the snow covered peaks of the Rockies. We were both amazed, the view was amazing. Everything looked really hazy. We didn't see any rattlesnakes or mountain lions as the signs had warned the previous night. (* I wrote the song "the View" on this mountain.)

I called Sonny, he couldn't get us on anymore shows, but we are going to stay with him and check out Bottlenekk, he also told me he would be at our San Diego show.

The mountains have proven to be very tough. I think we should try to avoid them as much as possible next year. Our van practically slows to a stop on some of the inclines. They are amazing though. On one of the longer inclinations we pulled over to let the van rest. We played in the snow and a snowball fight ensued, of course! Awesome, I put my shoes on without any socks, so of course tons of snow got inside my shoes. it was very sharp and at times would hurt.

Sunday, May 23, 1999

Las Vegas sucks, to say the least. Too many damned insects. It was so dumb, porn all over the streets. I do not like it one bit.

Coming here created some tension between all of us. Chris really wanted to go to some magical buffet that was like $12.95 a person. But the thing is, somewhere along the way he told us it was $3.95 a person and the price steadily increased as we got closer. At some point he added that it was $12.95 but it was buy one get one free. So when we finally get to Las Vegas he finds out that it was just $12.95 a person, no buy one get one free. Whatever. So then we walked all over trying to find something reasonable, as if reason exists in this town, and something vegan friendly. In the long run trying to find something made matters worse. I was already very irritable. Fuck this town. I did get to see Star Wars which also turned into a big ordeal. It made me mad as fuck, I don't even want to go there cause I will get pissed off about it. Star Wars was cool, but I'll have to see it again though.

We left the city without seeing it all lit up, which I guess is supposed to be one of the great things about Las Vegas. But I was glad to leave. This town is just representation of consumerism. And I hate it I hate it, I hate it. May it be struck by some crazy natural disaster that just completely annihilates it!

We drove for a real long time. We almost ran out of gas. We ended up having to stay the night in the parking lot of a gas station. We slept/waited eight hours for it to open.

We crossed into California in Mono County. It was weird, we half expected California to just look different, but it didn't. we weren't terribly disappointed or anything, I really can't pass judgement on what lies just outside the windows anyway.
Shit.
We got pulled over for holding up traffic!
The cop: "California State Law requires you to pull over if you are impeding more than 5 vehicles."
My license is expired, among other things, so John had to drive. He put the hat on that I was wearing, the driving hat. We passed the cop that pulled us over and he started following us again. John and I thought that we would get pulled over again because the cop may have thought that I was driving again. He eventually turned off somewhere.
Soon enough another cop was on our ass. We pulled in to a gas station to get gas. He drove on. We saw him come back the other way. We were at the gas station for about 10 minutes. As soon as we pulled out of that station, that cop is on our ass again. He pulls us over for a taillight being out. Something the first cop failed to mention to us. He walks to the van to tell us why he pulled us over then he asks John to step out of the vehicle. They talk for awhile, I saw them laughing in the rear-view, so I thought it be over in a matter of minutes. He comes back up to the van and said "Hey buddy" we all look at him like who the fuck are you calling buddy? "you in the yellow shirt" Jarod. Pulls him out. The first cop that pulled us over is now out there with John. Jarod and the officer talk. That gets over with then he pulls out Chris. I stepped out of the van for some reason, I think something flew out of the window. He yells at me to get back in the vehicle. Then he pulls me out. He asked me if I had any "guns, knives, razor blades, grenades, rocket launchers, or any nuclear devices." I laughed at him with a no! "I'm not kidding," he replies way too seriously. He tells me that he pulled me out because "your buddy" john "got nervous when I started talking to him, which tells me he's got something to hide or he don't like cops. do you know if he has a problem with the police, do you guys not like the police"
I wished I had said, "no they were an awful band" but I said, "not necessarily"
He dismisses me and I join John, Jarod, Chris, and police officer number one. Instantly we all start making fun of the cops. Pig one laughs along with us. Another police officer pulls up, but the other two wave him away. We all pretty much got asked the same ridiculous questions. We laughed at Bryan getting questioned by the officer. Highlights from each of the questioning sessions; He asked John what his scars are from. "They look like a knife fight, if I didn't know better I'd say they're from shooting up." Which any blind person could tell you that they were not from any of these, they actually came from an automobile accident, in case you were wondering.
When the "guns, rocket launcher" question was asked, we all laughed at him. I guess he yelled at Jarod and John when they laughed. "I'm serious, this isn't funny!" Yeah right.
He asked what Chris had under his hat, "I don't know, hair?"
"What's in your pockets?"
"I'm not sure, a highlighter, a pen?"
"What do you mean you don't know?"
and so on.

Anyway, so Bryan joins us and the cop asks to search our van. We found this amusing and said "sure!" What else were we going to say with out causing more of a problem. He comes out with a five pound bag of flour that Chris thought would be edible, which is almost as ridiculous as the cop asking, "What's this?!!!?"
We explode with laughter, "it's flour!"
He ends up confiscating some of our fireworks.
"California's a pretty dry state, we don't want you burning it down."
Why not? It would be a lot of fun.
He comes out five minutes later, "well it will take me forever to search this van, you can go."
We ended up coming away with a fix it ticket for the tail light.
I'm sure that the cops were just harassing us because they have nothing else to do. Through the whole fiasco, they ended up keeping the registration, which would have caused major problems later on.

We finally ended up in Chico. Ramona and Beezus played at The Blue Room. Black Heart Procession played too. That was so cool to find out. I really like Three Mile Pilot and knew that Pall was in Black Heart also. I hadn't heard anything prior to this show. I was REALLY impressed. All of the Black Heart fellas turned out to be super cool. They wanted us to play, but the club said we were too noisy. We had no place to stay and followed them to the place where they were staying. Pall slept in their van, and we all slept in ours. We brushed our teeth together and said good night.

Monday, May 24, 1999
Sacramento, CA @ the Loft
Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction, Smash Your Face (Japan)

We drove around Sacramento. Ended up at the mall to make phone calls and to try to escape the heat. It's one of those awkward silence kind of days between all of us. I don't like these sorts of days, it makes me want to kill the other kids and hire robots for musicians (just kidding). I don't understand what creates this tension, aghhhh!!!!

Sacramento is way too hot.
The show went pretty bad. 3!? people showed up. Both bands weren't all that great tonight either.
Meeting Scott Torguson was pretty cool. He told us a few stories. Smash Your Face from Japan was added today, they showed up and then a BUNCH of people show up. Whatever, they were fun.

We stayed at Scott's house. I got to see old videos of a Sinker and Current show and an Amber Inn show. That was cool. Scott also let us hear the Amber Inn CD that isn't out yet.

Tuesday, May 25, 1999

We were bored and filmed a rikki and playboy buddy lee video.
Ridiculous.

As we were leaving at around 2pm we saw Scott's roommate coming home, he gave us this funny look that was clearly, "you're just now leaving?"

I called Sonny and we left for the Bottlenekk/Ikonography warehouse.

We got to the space, it was really cool. It was exactly what Jarod and I have envisioned doing. Sonny told us that the Hail Mary guys are staying at his house tonight, so we would have to stay here, which is cool. We sorta hung out with Sonny talked a little, he was really nice. He said something like 14 people living here. Amazing. They were putting together the first Locust CD, amazing 3" CD in really awesome packaging. I could tell we were kinda getting in their way though, so I asked about Berkeley. He gave us directions to the record shops, and the college area that most college towns have.

We went into Berkeley, I really liked what I saw. I think I might like to live here someday, but I'm sure that it's just that whole thing where I have to learn to be satisfied with what I have and want the most difficult or impossible things, who knows? not me.

Sonny has got to be one of the nicest and coolest of people I have met.

We went back to the warehouse and sat on the couch in the living area. A guy was sitting there watching TV and I sat next to him. A few moments later he got up and left and I realized that it was the guitar player of one of my all time favorite bands, Portraits of Past. That was a moment for me that I wished I had recognized him a few minutes earlier and said something, even if I made a fool of myself.

Wednesday, May 26, 1999
Goleta, CA @ the Pickle Patch
Hailmary, Subtract to Zero and Cataract Falls and Dead Letter Auction split a set of 3 songs each. Steve Aoki recorded this show but never sent us the tape.


The Drive here was nuts. We took Highway 1, the coastal highway. We passed a Henry Miller museum in Big Sur!!!! I really wanted to go to, but there was no way we had time. I will go next year. Gas was as high as $2.55!!! what the fuck? I don't think we ever drove faster than 45 mph for like 3 hours. That seemed to really drag, despite the world outside our van. The view was amazing and worth it.

The show was alright. The place, is just an apartment, stunk like the worst B.O. and beer mixed together - so thick. Who cares how the bands played, that's not what this is about.

Mark (Hail Mary) gave me a little shit on that whole thing where Jarod called him at 3am or something, he seems to think it's my fault. I tried to explain to him that Neil Burke and Ken Prank! told me to call really late. I told him that I agree with him that three am is unreasonable, but I didn't make the call. I certainly didn't mean 3 am when I passed the information on to Jarod. It was funny to some extent.

Mark has got a mouth on him though. Which isn't a bad thing at all, but he got the rest of the boys upset with statements of "christian hardcore sucks and shouldn't be a part of hardcore." He also spoke of the evils of Tooth and Nail. I myself couldn't have agreed more.

After everyone left we had a pretty long drawn out conversation/argument about it. It was kinda stupid, and I'm not saying that just to dismiss it all. The discussion was cool to an extent. This was the first time of the tour that we actually conversed on something of some sort of social value, as a whole anyway. John, Chris, Jarod, and Bryan had points of "well you can't say who can and can't be into hardcore" which is very true and valid. I said my points of a lot of us came here to get away from that nonsense, we don't need bands/labels whatever trying to convert us, which is ultimately their goal. You also have to take into consideration the very oppressive nature of christianity and what hardcore is ultimately trying to accomplish, equality for everyone.
Which they threw back, "well christians need to be equal too."
This went on and on and nothing really came of it, the conversation evolved into a few other issues.

Thursday, May 27, 1999
We left from the Pickle Patch and went to Long Beach. Drove through L.A. not very exciting. We're staying at Deanna Winter's apartment. She's a friend of Jana's I guess. I met her once while she was in Fort Wayne. She's cool, so why not?

We got into Long Beach early and walked around. A lot of interesting people around here. John and Bryan went to the beach. Chris, Jarod, and I walked around some more.

Deanna was a sweetheart. She told us we could eat whatever we wanted. She basically let us take over her apartment while we were there.

Friday, May 28, 1999
We went to the beach, how exciting, well not really. It was a rather cloudy day.
Deanna left for the weekend and trusted us to watch her cat and apartment while we are here.

Saturday, May 29, 1999
Bryan broke the news to us that the van had got broken into. What a bunch of horseshit to have to wake up to. I went out to see all what got stolen. Personally I lost 2 guitars, an amp head, approximately 30 cds, a cd player, and more I'm sure. John and Jarod got their bikes stolen - why the hell they ever brought those things, I will never know. I decided it was time to head home. We will do the next two shows and cancel the rest.
Whoever did this drilled out the locks. Crazy!
We did the whole police report bullshit like they'll do anything about it. They didn't even come out, and gave us a case number all over the telephone.
It taught us a lesson in security for next time. Which is an important thing, from each experience learn in order to be prepared for the next time.

I called Jay to get directions, but he was out of town. Justin answered but I didn't recognize his voice, he sounded funny, he said he was beat. He invited us to lunch so I told him about the van getting broken into, I told him I wasn't sure how long it would take us to get down there either.
We packed our remaining belongings and shipped off to San Diego.

Saturday, May 29, 1999
San Diego, CA @ the Che Cafe (UCSD)
Hail Mary, Jenny Piccolo, Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction

We just went straight to the Che Cafe and walked around campus. nice place, some really cool views from certain areas.
Miguel was the first to show up. We talked for awhile. He was really cool, one of the nicest people we met on this tour. He forgot his keys, so he couldn't let us in.

The Che Cafe has a really nice garden that is worth the notation of.

Miguel told us we were the first band to ever help out with food preparation, which is ridiculous. There was a lot of great food, we stuffed ourselves. Amazing!

John and Jarod dressed as rikki rodeo and playboy buddy lee during Jenny Piccolo's set. Justin kept pinching rikki's ass cheeks that were hanging out of his hideous red thong.

the show was a lot of fun, but during our sets I could feel the weight of getting my stuff stolen and it made me feel defeated and burnt out instead of making me mad.

Everyone here was really cool for the most part.

Sunday, May 30, 1999
Albuquerque, NM @ Youth in Transaction
Fever Hot, (I prefer) Brand X, Roman Candle Choir, Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction

We left from the show and drove straight here.
Our alternator went out as soon as we got into Albuquerque. We barely made it to the venue. The van died in the alley in the back.
Great space, it's a shelter for homeless teenagers. I think this was the first show done here. Both bands played exceptionally well, and I was rather articulate (for me) when I spoke, which was really nice.
John and Bryan went to school with five kids from here. They all moved here from Battle Creek, MI. One of them, Gordie, is somewhat of a mechanic and he ended up replacing the alternator for us, which is awesome!

***
We were back on the road the next evening.
We drove straight home.
Somewhere in Illinois there was a major storm. I pulled off the highway to get gas and food. We were at the gas station for about 45 minutes.
As we pulled out the electricity went out at the gas station.
As soon as we were back on the highway, all traffic was stopped. We eventually found out that a tornado hit three miles ahead about 45 minutes ago! It over-turned two semis.
Later I found out that the storm killed at least one person. I can't help but wonder, what if...

After dropping everyone off, I went to my dad's house at about 7:30 am. That afternoon I was back to work at 4:30 - insane. I was beat but knew I had to get back to work right away.
and that's the end.
sort of.

Jarod drove the van to his grandparent's. On the way back, he got pulled over for expired plates. He had the correct registration (the plates got switched to my van), so the cops only gave him a ticket for having the wrong address on his license.
When he started it back up, the van started on fire.
The cops told Jarod to disregard the ticket issued, how kind.
Jarod thinks the fire started in the carburetor. Something I said that we needed to get fixed or cleaned since somewhere back in Chicago.
The van burnt to the ground.

Brian Fletcher and I drove to pick him up, we could smell the fire from the other side of the highway, miles away.
Jarod told me the junkyard wasn't even really interested in it, except for the tires, which ended up paying for the towing.

***

Touring is a lot of fun, except for the mishaps of course. It's a romantic idea and it seems to get put up on a higher level than it should be. It's like people fall in love with the idea, not the actuality. During the few weeks I took in the editing process I came across the following quote in Formula issue #5. It is an awesome zine, which is all about tour stories from a bunch of cool people.
"Being on tour is just surreal. You lose your mind the minute you get far enough from home that you can't walk back. You're stuck with these people that you're married to. It's this bizarre Wizard of Oz journey, that at the end of you just try to make sense of" - Katrina Ford


Even through all of the starving (for food or sleep), stress, and whatever else I would rather be on tour than in Fort Wayne.

Meeting all the people that I've listened to their bands records for a long time, it's kinda hard not to get somewhat star struck. Sometimes I wouldn't even realize who I was talking to or sitting next to until long after the fact. It's the experience of getting the chance to do these things that is important. It's so cool meeting and hanging out with these people, if even for only a second.

***
When I got home I felt weird for a long time.
Whatever.
I will leave it at that.
The simple notation of.
No explaining, it will end up getting lost in the mess of confusion.

A quick note - 1/21/08

I put up a few older things from issues 1-4.
most of that stuff needs to stay buried, but there is something in it all; the process of discovery, the searching. looking back, it was a searching for what is wrong with me, a cry for help even. A wanting to completely excise my demons. A lot of misdirected and confused emotions. We can chalk all that up to the cutting of the teeth, finding the voice, and learning of the ropes, etc.
There are a lot of good memories too.
Reading over the published parts from the tour journals I don't feel I paid enough gratitude to the boys I was traveling with, the things we did, the places we went, the shows, the experiences, and now wished I had. I was aware then, but took it for granted. There's so much lost, even though I know it's there and it's not exactly spelled outright. I don't know, I sorta look back on it all the same way I look back at the movie Stand By Me.


I just returned from Austin, TX where I got to spend some time with Chris. It was a last minute get away totally determined by a round trip flight from Continental for $43.50 and some frequent flier miles. I was freaking out and had to get out of NYC, away from the reminders. I found peace for the first time in weeks. At first I attributed that to reaching 30,000 feet, because that was the first time since January 5th I was able to breathe normally, not be completely panic stricken, I didn't feel like breaking down and my heart stopped hurting. I wondered if the altitude had anything to do with my attraction to high places, I mean aside from the views, I was beginning to think it has an impact on my mental state as well.

Last night I had a good conversation with my sister that part of it boils down to one of the main reasons I was attracted to punk rock etc, aside from the alienation, was the desire to save the world, but the best place to actually effect change is to start within yourself. not only think about what you're doing in terms of your choices, but to really figure your shit out because one person does effect so many people. The effects are sometimes not noticed immediately, but they are immeasurable. I have made mistakes recently that made that very apparent to me, I'm still fighting them now, but I am in the process. I'm struggling, and it's going to be a long battle, that much I am aware of, there are no quick easy fixes in these sorts of things.

I believe things happen for a reason. Looking back I wish I had done something sooner, but we can only change the direction we are headed; "We'll make it as far as we can see, and I can't close my eyes."

Issue 4 / April 1999

the following is from issue #4 which came out April 30, 1999 - the same day the first DLA CD came out (in mailing envelopes!). Jarod and I also played 2 shows with 2 different bands in 2 different cities that day. Cataract Falls played in Muncie, IN at Ball State University for a benefit concert, packed our things up and played the last show in the Maumee house, upstairs in the living room. Dead Letter Auction was a three piece again as Nick had recently quit. We played a few songs that we didn't ever record - there is video of this show, but I don't have it. I interviewed Justin Pearson in this issue too. That April was actually one of the greatest months ever. The Cataract Falls CD came out, I bought a new guitar that would be stolen a few weeks later in Long Beach, CA, the Grapes of Wrath formed, we got that crazy fucking van and I built that amazing loft in it, and we were about to leave on a tour that was supposed to last 2 months (it lasted just over 2 weeks), and all the above mentioned. I was 22 years old.

***
Sometimes the reasons for being against something becomes the same reason why I stand against it.
an excursion is a journey that ends at the same point it begins, an abyss is a seemingly endless descent.
I knew what I was getting into. I couldn't turn back even if I wanted to, and I don't want to.
Quite circular as my sister would say.
When I find the answers, it will cease to be an abyss, but I will be standing right were I began. I will be standing.
There are as many people to thank as there are stars.
Leave a light on.
***
Maybe all of this hatred, self absorption, deeming everything unfit (feeling superior), is because I am my own worst enemy. Day in and day out I find myself becoming more and more violent in thoughts, becoming the motherfucker I very much despise.
I am a monster.
In the end you will choose to see what you want to see.
You will choose what you want to hear.
You will choose to believe what you want to believe.
The whole will be ignored so suite the perversions of the darkest nature.
It's seeing the light.
Descend with me.
***
Each action is a response.
Consideration.
Don't hold me to anything.
It breeds stagnation.
I'm trying.
I constantly feel the need to explain things,
when I know that words will fail clarity.
Inadequacy.
I can't accept,
only expect or except.
If you're not
you're not.
Dismiss.
Ignore.
Selfishness.
***
It's all been argued for and against, a countless number of ways.
Right and wrong should not exist in the manner that it does.
Black and white should be more concerned with the
denounced or overlooked grey areas.
From what was said you could not possibly understand.
***

At this point, it's not a big secret or anything, but I have major bouts with insomnia quite a bit. like now it's 5:02 am. I should have been asleep about three hours ago, but I just can't sleep. Is this common with everyone? How often do you experience this?
I know people that choose not to sleep, others that are always tired, those that sleep too much. Sleep. It's a strange word, but aren't they all?
At times it seems like such a waste of my time. There are all sorts of sleep aids, I know, but I'm not into putting pills into my body, except vitamins occasionally. So I choose to stare at the walls and ceilings, and watch the shadows dance and turn into memories, figures, or nightmares - or I stay up and type all through the night - it's the abyss, teasing me with the light and the absence of, but I think I know better.
with that said....
I am going to try and go to sleep.
***
I have been sitting here for what seems like hours now.
"We'll give the others five more minutes," a voice interrupts my thoughts and me staring at the floor trying to figure out if there really is a pattern within the tiles. This stuff is ugly, why would anyone want this on their floor? It's the same sort of speckled tile used in most schools I have been in.
Someone just walked in. I happened to glance up to see who was interrupting these thoughts this time. BIG mistake. Our eyes meet by pure accident, at least on my part.
"How ya doin?" he regurgitates all too jolly for me.
I wonder if this is a just a greeting, or if he really wants to know how I am doing. Ha! I don't even know how I am doing. It seems a strange concept to me, that I don't even know how I am doing, if anything, I should at least know that. But I've only recently begun to try to understand what's wrong with me. There is something definitely wrong here. It's like those Highlights magazines, you know the picture game on the back cover, where you try to pick out the things that don't belong, also like on the back of placemats at many restaurants.
"I'm fine." I lie and selfishly do not return the greeting, salutation, question. My eyes return to the task of staring at the floor.
I am so tired that it consumes every square inch of my body. my back aches, is tied in the weirdest of knots, and my spine is swearing that it will break. All of this I attribute to the weird, yet comforting sensation of being tired. It's embrace is untouchable, save for spring breezes after the harshest of winters, and someone you would do anything for. I could pass out right here, right now, if I would just allow myself.
I am here waiting for a job orientation to begin. I chose third shift. Ironic, that I chose the time I normally deny myself sleep, to work.
The nights I do decide to attempt to fall asleep, it's the same thing: staring at the ceiling, denying, questioning, doubting everything in existence; whether I am actually awake or dreaming, it's always there. I'm wondering how can I say something I've put off for months now, how can I say it so it doesn't fall misunderstood; which could possibly ruin such a beautiful and wonderful relationship. It's this thing that's my big secret, so big it toys around with keeping itself secret from me.
Why do I keep faithfully thinking that if I do find these words that all of this negativity will just leave me, that the smile I had when I was five will return to this face?
***
Wednesday, September 9, 1998 4:39 pm
I am functioning on about an hour and a half of sleep. I attended yet another third shift job orientation.
That same voice that interrupted last time with, "We'll give the others five more minutes" was a welcomed and friendly voice this time around, as this one is through the same temp agency.
He kept repeating, much too much like a lock-grooved record, "the others will trickle in as we go along."
and sure enough those others did trickle in, right up until the orientation was over with. If I were that friendly voice, I wouldn't bee too friendly with those who came in as the meeting is about to adjourn, they wouldn't have a job. After all, who wants someone who will show up an hour and a half late for an orientation.
I know I am going to hate this job, I haven't even worked a day yet and I already know I am going to absolutely hate it. and with this attitude I only assure that assumption. So why am I taking it? Hopefully it will push me to do something better. Something beyond me. AND it pays well, which will fund so many projects, if I stick with it. But to sustain shit? Is it worth it? Only time will tell the rewards, and we'll be there waiting.
---------
I quit that job, it did suck, bad.
it even caused many skin irritations.
It did fund #2 and my first book.
I love my present job, which is saying a lot.
anyway...

Funnies.

This stuff is taken from issue #3 - September 1998.

******
I was reading a letter from a long lost friend at a stop light today.
The Van rolled ever so slightly.
Barely.
Bump.
I hit, of all cars, a camaro.
2 young people turned around and stared, the funniest looks I have ever seen.
The driver, a young female gets out to check for damage - of course there wasn't any damage -
"I'm sorry" I shouted out the window and attempted to return to the letter.
I could feel someone watching me. I glanced up and the passenger was still staring at me with an extremely funny expression fixed upon his face.
He was also displaying idiocy by saying moronic things.
I laughed. I couldn't help it, it was funny.
This upset him quite a bit. He got out of the car and came up to my window.
I was still laughing at him. A little harder now that he was standing outside my window.
He was yelling all sorts of stupid things at me, calling me names and words that I won't even use.
I had to explain my laughter was because of how immature this guy is, which upset him even more.
"You fucking dick, you need your ass kicked."
OH MY GOD, I laughed so much harder - you know the laugh when you just can't stop and it gets worse and worse...
He turned RED, then screamed just like a pig would,
"Step out of the vehicle, so I can kick your ass!"
This is the funniest yet. I laughed harder still.
The light changed to green, and the driver that had been yelling at him the whole time to get back in the car SCREAMED at him to get back in the car NOW.
He turned around and did as he was told. I saw another moronic display, his T-shirt read: "silly faggot, dicks are for chicks"
so I ran over him.
Ok, no I didn't, but that put an end to my laughter.
I followed them, not on purpose, my destination was along the same route or something. They turned into, of all places, a Wal-Mart. Go figure.
As I passed them I noticed the car was beat up beyond recognition.
He glared and flipped me off.
I laughed at him and drove on.

******
the other day while driving I glanced over at a car wash, the kind with the really big vacuum cleaners for the cars, well anyway some guy was vacuuming the trees.

I saw a young person wearing a shirt that said "shut 'em down" in reference to public enemy, he lit up a cigarette.

while one guy is telling me he has to work third shift in order to spend any time with his child, another guy tells me he works third shift to stay away from his children .

I get made fun of for reading at work during breaks, if you could only hear these people talk.....

the way people swear up and down and complain about something but still pay for it.

Cataract Falls tour Diary

this first appeared in issue #2 - August 1998

Wednesday, July 22, 1998

We got to Ocracoke, an island off the coast of North Carolina, Monday night. We pulled the van onto a ferry, it was one of the last ones of the evening, if not THE last one. It was completely dark, no lights, the stars - OH MY GOD - I have never seen so many stars in my life. I lost count of how many shooting stars I saw in a matter of minutes.
We ran down to the beach, but were afraid to get too close. We couldn't see anything, it was so dark we couldn't tell where the ocean hit the beach. The "lobstrosities" were freaking us out too. If Jarod hadn't brought the flashlight with him I don't know what we would have done. We slept in the van, in a parking lot right next to the beach. The sound of the ocean was comforting.
The next morning we ate the most disgusting thing any of us had ever tasted in our entire lives. It was some sort of snack, that was made up of what resembled uncooked pasta with some sort of seasoning that had either gone bad, or was just awful from the start. The snacks had been scored by Chris with his meal plan from college. We called and complained and they laughed saying the particular snack had been cancelled!
As brilliant as we are, we tried to run the entire length of the island, 14 miles. bad idea. we made almost 4 of it, gave up and went swimming. we walked back. I only wore umbros, nothing else.
while I was running I kept thinking how easy it was for me to just keep going. Even after all this time; I hadn't run for a couple of years, but it just felt good. I ran at what I thought was a real easy pace, but Chris and Jarod too quickly turned to tiny dots behind me. I didn't want to stop, it's just too easy to keep going. If I did stop, would I be able to start back up again? I kept thinking that the easy way out would be to just stop and rest. Eventually, I got off my infamous superiority complex and slowed down to allow them to catch up.
They had already stopped a couple of times and were walking at that moment. Once they caught up, Jarod told me he had cramps. I told him he was stronger than the cramps and he took off. I passed him a moment later. When I eventually looked back they were walking side by side again.
I realized how much this is like my life; I keep going, sometimes people come along, hang out, but eventually they fall behind and then I no longer recognize them. I'm out running too many people. A lot of my close friends are taking other roads too. I contemplate giving up on all of this stuff I define myself with in order to not be the only one still running.
but I realize I've been running far too long to give up now. so fuck all of them.
we went swimming for a while and decided to walk back.
no sunscreen or shade and 6 hours later, I have sun poisoning. I fee like complete shit, nauseous, with a head that won't stop pounding, it's worse when I sit up.
This year tour has been really good. so far.
I'm thousands of miles away from a place I don't recognize as home but return to for some reason or another. maybe just to have someplace to go, I don't know. For some reason I don't know how much longer I can do this, I miss a lot of things, I guess that should make me appreciate them more - but shit, I don't know...
It's really windy out here. Completely amazing. I love being able to be so fortunate. I must remember that. I don't know what I was talking about, not being able to do this anymore.
I can't not do this.
God I feel sick, I can't even sit up. - enemy of the sun - HA!
so much is on my mind.

Thursday, July 23, 1998
I'm sitting inside of a McDonald's which is inside of a Wal-Mart; conception-ally whitetrash if I ever did see it. We came in here for the air conditioning, but I am sunburnt so bad that I radiate heat. My feet are swollen twice their size and are worse than any other pain I have ever felt. Then, there are my shoulders: I feel like screaming they hurt so bad, but that would make them hurt worse. They feel like they are on fire, dry, bleeding, dying.
These men, security guards, management perhaps, are sitting across from us the room making sounds of some sexual connotation, sexual frustration. I don't know. They're eating the equivalency to shit. they're laughing. I don't get it, must be an inside joke that I'll never get, that I hope I NEVER get.

Reflections on A-1 Records in Anderson, IN

This first appeared in Issue #1 - July 1998

11.20.97 8:01p - Reflections on A-1 Records in Anderson, IN
Earlier today Chris and I went down to Anderson to pay Nick at A-1 a visit. Upon our arrival, I noticed that windows had been covered up with newspapers.
????, I thought. I pulled the door and sure enough, it was locked. We walked around looking for any clues, trying to peak through the newspaper covered windows. Hoping to find light, movement, any sign of life. We couldn't find anything so we walked across the street to the coffee shop where Chris has also played. The manager of the shop told us that A-1 had closed down and Nick is looking for a new storefront.
It's heartbreaking that anyone can put so much passion and energy into anything and have it be taken away from them. A-1 was such an amazing place. I am fortunate to have played there three times, and some of those have been the most meaningful moments for Cataract Falls. Nick was so awesome. Anyone who has been there knows what I mean. The place was magical. He supported kids, gave them a place to hang out, play music, show art work, and see shows. He did it for them to have something to do; he wanted them to be "hooked on records rather than drugs."
I just wanted to say thanks Nick, for all you've done.

sartre on camus

"A quarrel doesn't matter - even if those who quarrel never see each other again - just another way of living together without losing sight of one another in the narrow little world that is allotted us."

Dead Letter Auction

this post has been deleted.
it may end up in a more complete form in the future, hopefully sooner rather than later.
- Damian

[excursions into the abyss]

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
T. S. Eliot

an excursion is a journey that starts and ends at the same point.
abyss

1: the bottomless gulf, pit, or chaos of the old cosmogonies
2 a: an immeasurably deep gulf or great space b: intellectual or moral depths

I wrote an embarrassing zine back in the mid to late 90's under the name [excursions into the abyss]. eventually it evolved into a record label, and a website sometime after that. this is an attempt to return to that, to document some of those journeys, to explore the depths, and to continue to move onward.

Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.
Nietzsche

::Lyrics:: 1998-2003

the Bridge - September 2003
the Bridge
and if I pull slightly
we could drive off the bridge
take a dive for old times
just don’t blame nodding off
I am content with the purpose
I am content with the intent

what will you find in your heart
what will you say tomorrow
you’ve crawled across your mirror
now turn it around

toss it away, brush it off (I’m crossing over)
stay if you will, say what you will – now it’s my turn
- we’ll make it as far as we can see
and I can’t close my eyes.

the Message
keep pushing past
for it is all we know
eyes dead set on the burning
dead set on burning it down

and we won’t wait for sound
just hold out hope
but what if we’re wrong
we will never be here again
just don’t wait on them
and don’t wait for sound.

the Medium
let the channels flood
do you hear the failures
or what did you find
is this sight
is this slight
or second guess a shadow.

all this burning
and waiting on tomorrow
begging to be buried or saved
but you better not
you’re better off.

don’t wake me

the Morrow
like clockwork round again
you fall back in place
it’s all just routine
it is all just
but I can disappear I can make the call back when it’s more convenient for you
when no one else is around
but you are acting + it’s wearing + fitting
it’s just a put on, so put on your mask
your line is almost up
you’re lying, the waking,
you’ll never wake again
wake tomorrow
this time it is you.

the Mourning
a little distance never hit so close to home
not left empty
not leaving without scars
having left your mark
a little distance never hit so close

shut in and locked out
this is your doing + this is your work
biting my tongue + biding my time
shut in + locked out…

as small as it may seem
I want to see you
I want to see you here tomorrow
I will meet you half way.

Cancer of Time - March 2003
Foreshadow
"I sing of arms and a man whose fate had made him fugitive"
but we're cutting the anchor loose and setting our own course.
so step up this is a call to arms but I'm asking
will a bullet save time and money?
I want to see their buildings lay down
I want to see the captains go down with their ships

Never to End
"each step forward is the last, and with it a world dies, one's self included. we are here of the earth never to end, the past never ending,
the future never beginning, and the present never ceasing.
this never - never world which we hold in our hands
and see and yet is not ourselves.
we are here which is never concluded never shaped to be recognized,
all there is and yet not the whole, the parts so much greater than the whole."

Excise
is it worth the drive is it worth the time
it keeps coming back cutting deeper.
just kill all light so our eyes can't meet
I won't say a thing I won't even breathe.
then I spread my ruin just like my wings.
can I retract the incision you gave me this knife
isn't this what you wanted isn't this what we wanted.
just kill all light so our eyes can't meet
I won't say a thing I won't even breathe.

At 6's & 7's
cut the fingers off + cut the noose
suffocate the thought + strangle the chords
it's the silence broken to fear most...
burn down our house.
but it's not you it's not for you
I will not sing you a song.
I am the ringing in your ears before sleep.
...tonight we die asleep.

Deficit
I wanted to drive this one home
but before I go remind me why
another one & another & on & on
this silence isn't waiting for fracture
one foot drags the other
& our hands don't come clean
maybe forgotten or shelved
too quick too dismissed
a shot a ringing a dead silence
we can't shake the shadowed valley
& our timing is past
what is for the owning now & to where do we run away
there's dust on the day & it wears you well
my eyes are open

Give Chase
(somewhere down there they're making their way back home)
but with as far as I am I'm living with ghosts.
arrest these fugitive thoughts for you are always suspect.
give chase come back arrest all time just to catch a breath.
give chase come back just wait, stay.

Seconds
seconds not rate seconds not best
fate's on the trigger yet I'm relentlessly half-cocked
so [please] hit me head on let it pour down on me
the end is just seconds away an illusion I allude to
the end is just seconds away and it's where truth lies.

In Response
it comes so easy now that it’s yours
best laid plans got you this far but you’ve got no heart + that’s a heavy hand to holster.
we won’t win what you’ve lost
it doesn’t mean we stop
and it doesn’t mean we lost
you’ve marginally missed the mark
it’s so cold a message sent so clear turning footprints but we kept quiet
I’ve seen enough a distant echo, but not like this no not like this
breathe nights tonight, or set it aflame, or leave it alone

Protean Models
I am turning the leaves I keep waiting but it never comes
just one too many times now I'm going under
when the shots were heard no one said anything
no one counted on condition and no one seemed surprised
but I'm not sunk all the time
I come up to understand to dilute the poison
today there are no thoughts of trains
and no speeding bullets to come save me

At Daggers Drawing
the tide rolls out and all have come home
when time is worth it's weight will we take that call
when time is worth it's weight will you take that call.
we met at high noon but our revolvers ran out of bullets
so take this sharp knife take my broken mirror;
if it takes seven i can stand the wait take your masks take my dead skin
now I see it was me...
I'm on the run again but with a tongue of ash I hold your eyes
(this was our last dance)

Cancer of Time
I know not luck
this is no accident to be sure
these steps my math calculated.
but it's a wire I'm walking
and my blood is boiling
this is only a small part
but it keeps me in check.
when I asked to cut my teeth
you gave me wings instead
this is what you did to me
so stay to bury me, just not by your hands.
weighed/wait it out
it's a kiss of death for a breath/breadth of life
weighed/wait it out
I will take the bullet if you will listen.

Vertigo (September 2001)
Apollo [13/11]
washing in high tide
just like a revelation of the moon slipping away
prevention is worth a pound of cure
eventually everything must cease
but where is this ailment being transmitted from
magnification is burning holes through me
unsettled seas cast dark reflections
and I’ve done nothing but dig shallow graves [how do you sleep at night]
arrest all sense of accomplishment these solutions stare us down yet we’re walking away at the same pace
it’s the driving force that gets us nowhere
the tighter the grip the more you’ll slip through, but if I let go, you’ll just drift away
so lets play the part I’m dressed for the kiss and just one more time I’ll show you forever
arrest all sense of accomplishment
we’re only heroes in our sleep slumber clumsy suicide
even these major roles are just a bit part
so lets play pretend I’m dressed for the kill
and for just one time we will live forever
yet I’m dying for a sense of gravity to shed this skin to shatter the mirrors
to adjust to wake to focus to begin again

Stigmata
I crucify myself everytime this train of thought tangles the tongue ties
and I bleed black blood
it’s like I wish I could set fire; there will be no rebirth without death
I am always on the edge, looking over I won’t jump
but the urge runs through these vein in vain
these thoughts cut like nails through the wrists
I don’t want to be a fallen star of morning

Across a wire
I’ve taken these steps before
but add poison to my position
then it’s not that easy
analyze the results of a time and motion study
the sands are running out
but what’s left for them
you’ll know where you are
when it’s too late
mechanical reactions
angst served ammunition
I’ve begun to recognize the parallels of our violence
but I’ll escape through relief of imperfection
the drive is perverse, but not an obsession

A View
one can overlook only so much even from the top you can only see for a few miles at best
but consider that it’s almost always overcast
it’s just repetition it’s a history death by defintion it’s a fever in me
then you say “it’s not me, I am not... I am not like them and i really wanted to believe in all of these things but i know that it’s just me trying to convince myself”
these things never change I see the same things over and over [every night] the traffic ties heads hang in sorrow or shame and the sky recedes just when you reach for it when you say “it’s not me i am not... i am not like them...” I really want to believe you but I know that it’s just you trying to convince the both of us
these patterns were set long before but it’s when you see yourself, it is when you see yourself tracing the footsteps that we all hope you wake before you hit the ground.

[old lyrics 1998 - 2000 ]
Misplaced
and what was it again forever
I'm losing faith in day to day
so why can't I see passed these mirrors
I've misplaced all that was palmed as nothing
now I'm biting my fists
to prevent me from spilling
more than I could clean up
with hands tied to tongues that bleed
I still have these questions
so if my curiosity is fed
will I kill this lion of rage
I still have these questions
and I always will

Looking Glass Eyes
reaching out doesn't make much sense
when you can't return with an answer
I've tried for too many years
blank stares prove I'm wasting my time
saving waiting planning for what
I never knew what I wanted
because you could never get passed
our hang ups of what never was and what never could be (what's so different now?)
then I find myself in denial "this isn't me"
all I see are lies

Throw the Towel in
I really wish you would stop playing god
for just one second so that you could see
that lost is where we're headed
and nothing will save face
nothing will save you
so let go just let go
before it pulls you back in
and you drag me down with you
believe me it's just getting worse
you can't extinguish the fires
when you're feeding the flames
I am not as blind as you wish I were
the next time this door closes
the locks key will be thrown out
you will never make the proper connections and I've already given up

An Introduction to Film
silver sounds scream in my ears and these hands cannot faded these thoughts
silver screens in my head, there’s this film of you playing
and you're smiling you always seem to smile in these pictures and that's always playing with my mind they're always playing in my mind
and I wake from dreams of you to find your shadow running away I've only begun to scrape up these pieces it's just so different I'm out of breath out of time I could never know where I thought this would get me
I am always searching for the words for the words to do this just but no words could do this justice

Bored Game
I don't mean to belittle this gesture (movement)
but our definitions of cool lie so far apart
recognition of some distant reflections
recognition of someone I thought I knew
but who are we kidding I am at fault for not taking the time whenever I find the reasons why guilt forces the showering of gifts and these conversations that could never add up to more than whatever it's cool parting not caring if we ever cross paths again
it's all just a waste of time that we both have too much of
I am confined only by these destinations
(that I never mapped out)
I am confined only by you

Recurrent
but split tongues shouldn't spit promises of
tomorrow forever empty
when it's already well known
that these tomorrow will never come
when will today actually be faced
these days just keep going by and nothing is changing [/and you're changing nothing] - nothing changes
your idol talk is making me sick
promising tomorrow anew
forgetting histories greatest of lessons:
it's only a matter of time for Rome to fall again and again and again

Corrode
so maybe I thought I could see through these brick walls I never even meant to build we were walking hand in hand trying to break an arm of distance trying to break an arms length that I have forced you (all) to stay or was it just offering palms to a setting sky
it was carved in wood but not in stone so what were we thinking forever when you consider that we cannot see passed today so just when is tomorrow burning bridges for stepping stones
now I wonder just how far we thought we would get on our own
now I know I was just letting in
more than I could let go
sometimes it's easier when you don't say good bye

Nice intentions, but your aim is slightly off
you always want to pull the trigger when the guns pointed at your foot whet it's stuck in your mouth

Housebroken
sometimes beginning is the hardest part
then our eyes meet and I'm not so sure
I watch in disbelief as our eyes kiss the winds of change a look of becoming just another stranger amongst so many lost i know you still remember as I can't easily forget either an apology will offer no redemption for the undone but I feel there's just one more thing to be said maybe a simple hello maybe there's just nothing left to be said
sometimes we hold on to these things that we could never know I'm just holding on we could never know so we hold each other to these things that we could never know.

the alpha

it's sometimes after the fact that we can look back, and realize just what has happened in our lives, how that effects us, and how that has effected others.
hindsight is 20/20. but memory is faulty. we all have a tendency to be a bit revisionist. sometimes, it's a matter of just forgetting and filling in the pieces. sometimes, things are added for a little dramatic flare. some parts can't be put into words, some parts are sacred to those of us that were there, that experienced these moments. but the story needs to be told all the same.

sometimes, beginning is the hardest part.