yes cheating to fulfill self imposed regulations.

is this really completion?
does it really count?

oh cryptic messages to unlistening ears.
conversations could complete these thoughts.

"so where are you now"

completely isolated, and has absolutely nothing to do with my purchasing of an 8 track, in fact he doesn't even know about my blog, Chris called me tonight to inform me that he is backing up all of his dats etc and found me and Jarod's first recording session from 1997, and he is going to send that to me. This has been lost for a long time. We did release the acoustic version of "Housebroken" on his benefit compilation cd "East Timor" - which raises a lot of issues in it self. maybe I'll get there and point out what should be obvious - but anyway, we recorded 4 or 5 other songs. at least one other one I might be proud of. it's hard to remember that long ago. anyway, once I get it, I may or may not share it with you. 'til then, take care.

quota

Sometimes I think I am surrounded by insects masquerading as men for some diabolical reason ... Henry Miller.

self service

I have (finally) purchased an 8 track cassette recorder. Actually it is the last model that was in production before it all went digital, which is to say, multi-track cassette recorders are no longer being made. It should arrive later this week. I'm finally going to go through a lot of my old tapes; a few of you have seen the box of recorded material I have, and know this will be a task, some of it goes back 15 years. There are some really fun things in that box, some I'm sure I will cringe at and even destroy, I hope to find a few specific things. I'm going to finish the Rebellion's New Idol stuff and get that sent out before the end of the year. And since bringing it up a few weeks ago, I'm anxious to listen to the xcongressofthecrowx tape for the first time since recording it. Also, this will lead to me getting some demos done of some of my newer stuff. I am pretty excited about all of this, hence this post.

Now that my laptop has officially crapped out on me (the logic board is dead), I have a new computer coming later this week. So hopefully I get to some of the video stuff I started work on a few years ago, among other things.

I just got offered a nice scholarship for making the Dean's List. There are a few things I have to figure out, but will pretty much cover all of my expenses and then some.

With that, I leave asking that you continue learning and not just things that have to do with your job(s), or life lessons accidentally learned; please be in pursuit, passionately.

fragmented

... in vain attempts to quantify exaltation, and every escaped occurrence of these utterances fail. Truth does not exist in this realm; go ahead and tell another lie.

taken out of context to paint a picture

It's the inside of a watch functioning perfectly in an incredible chaos.

They are cruel in the way children are cruel. They walk over you to reach for a new toy...

To speak well one must have an appreciative audience.

Somewhere there is a leak in you. Until it is repaired you can never become the great human being which you are.

A little sympathy, that's what's needed. Better to be wrong, better to be unjust, than to turn your back on sympathy.

He is interested in the theory of medicine, not the art of therapy.

all taken from Aller Retour New York, by Henry Miller.

Red HeroiNe

I don't remember much at this point.
well that's not true (I just don't know how much you don't care to know).
it was summer 2000.
Jeremy, Eddie and I had a band called xcongressofthecrowx. (congress of the crow is a sexual position, I'm sure I tried to teach it to you at some point). we were a straightedge band. The three of us were supposed to share vocal duties, but it really came down to me doing it. I wasn't that into it, I mean it was fun, but I wanted to play and not have to worry about yelling and such, considering I decided I didn't want to scream in bands anymore, and I had Dead Letter Auction (well actually at that point I think we were on a break). We recorded and released an eight song demo limited to 20. Well Jeremy did all of this. I actually didn't want it released. But anyway.
So, with fall approaching, John Cheesebrew was added to the fold. John has never been straight edge. So we changed the name to red heroine.
we adopted a few xcongressofthecrowx songs and built on the sound. oddly enough we fit in perfectly with the other bands that were coming out of Indiana at the time (and in many cases are far superior and hold up way better than they do), though we had nothing to do with them, and didn't even really like them as people or even musically. we really did call our music "aftermath rock" (a play on the "mathrock" label (attributed to weird time signatures), as well as an homage to dr dre, as well as aftermath being chaos, etc) and "eddiemetal" (a play on heavy metal as well as an homage to Iron Maiden, as well as our band member). I was doing a noise project at the time called, The Rebellion's New Idol (I'm not going to explain this one, but in part, there's a bit part homage to Star Wars (before it started sucking)), and we really wanted to add elements of that (hence the end of the last track of the Mangus Meets His End cd - the noise throughout the cd was intentionally added by mike dixon - though I do believe he edited parts from our noise movement). I think if we had continued we would have added even more of that aspect. (in fact I have some tapes of me and Eddie making noise pieces) (I really need to get a 4 track to edit/digitize some of these things).

at some point, John McCormick joined the band on 2nd guitar (unfortunately, you can barely hear him on the live track).

honestly we were a really dysfunctional band. we didn't really get along with each other. there were major 2 way cliques amongst us. Some people would say Jeremy was the worst drummer they had ever seen (I tried really hard to shelter him from these comments, and they obviously never saw skullyard (of which, I was the drummer)). we would fight each other on and off stage and all that. totally ridiculous. on the tour, John (mccormick) and I took our own van to avoid the other boys as much as possible. this ensued in insane highway hijinks that make Quentin Tarantino look like an amateur.

but whatever, we had a lot of fun, we played a few shows (you can follow the following link to see them - list of shows). recorded twice with Mike Dixon, once in Bloomington (mangus meets his end). Once in the Psi Ote Barn in Northside park (the 2 unreleased songs). and we had one song we didn't record (but a live version is included in the download, it's from our second to last show, at the YWCA before Kim opened and closed her record shop, Convolution Records).

so here's all 10 songs:
red heroine discography
and here are some photos

yes this post is full of jackassery and it is dedicated to Craig (he was in a band called Mortadusk that ruled Fort Wayne more than any other band EVER [and someone really should do it to him already]), he requested the red heroine stuff today via a facebook message, and I've been meaning to do this for Jeremy for about 3.5 years.

Excavation and Memory

Language has unmistakably made plain that memory is not an instrument for exploring the past, but rather a medium. It is the medium of that which is experienced, just as earth is the medium in which ancient cities lie buried. He who seeks to approach his own buried past must not be afraid to return again and again to the same matter; to scatter it as one scatters earth, to turn it over as one turns over the soil. For the "matter itself" is no more than the strata which yield their long-sought secrets only to the most meticulous investigation. That is to say, they yield those images that, severed from all earlier associations, reside as treasures in the sober rooms of our later insights - like torsos in a collector's gallery. It is undoubtedly useful to plan excavations methodically. Yet no less indispensable is the cautious probing of the spade in the dark loam. And the man who merely makes an inventory of his findings, while failing to establish the exact location of where in today's ground the ancient treasures have been stored up, cheats himself of his richest prize. In this sense, for authentic memories, it is far less important that the investigator report on them than that he mark, quite precisely, the site where he gained possession of them. Epic and rhapsodic in the strictest sense, genuine memory must therefore yield an image of the person who remembers, in the same way a good archaeological report only informs us about the strata from which its findings originate, but also gives an account of the strata which first had to be broken through.
Walter Benjamin - Selected Writings Volume 2:2 1927-1934

a day old(er)

I woke up early. too early.
familiarity.

class is ok. actually, no it's not. this class and one other specifically have some really down right stupid people in attendance. fine, people have their stories and opinions, but please don't speak aloud about things you are clearly wrong about. it's just unacceptable and it's a waste of money.

I agree to meet a familiar face for some errands.
late arrival, as usual.
I expected this.
walk to the East River for a seat. we talk about moms, well not mine.
I am being vague and avoiding, here, as well as then.
Run into another face.
what are you up to.
work and school.
oh what for.
well, teaching.
yeah, that makes perfect and total sense.
I know, that's what everyone tells me. It's something I've always wanted to do.
yeah, it suits you.

part ways with familiar faces.
return.
I attempt to write and do homework.
instead I fall asleep.

Meet a friend and his friend to go to the Dreamhouse, per another friend's suggestion.
We arrive, it's closed. I had my suspicions of this ahead of time. Yet took no action to confirm. (it re-opens on the 20th of September).
What now?
He "Hey let's walk around"
Me "OK"
The three of us end up in Soho. there's a Street Fair.
She's home.
Shadows.
Last year she described this as a scene out of "Blade Runner." to an extent, I see where she was coming from and even agree.
Shook off the dust and moved onward.
Just outside of where she and I had one of our first dates to see an old friend drunkly shout out some songs (oh what a night that was in itself!); current company and I were supposed to play here with our old bands - that didn't work out, we're both too lazy and don't care enough, and this venue didn't get it. All of a sudden someone is shouting her name, repeatedly and loudly. My heart sinks again, but it's not her, just coincidence. Of course. Yet again.
when it rains it pours.

The three of us walked the Williamsburg Bridge. I did this one other time, and it had everything to do with her; I had to walk the tension off after spending the day with her shopping, seeing a movie, touching, and flirting. Here and then each step lifting and adding unbearable weight. each step bringing me closer to and farther from.

I notice and remember these things and instantly regret I do.
at the same time, no I don't.

a few days ago, a friend and I were conversing about her friends heartache and that she was making baked goods to cheer him up. I use this opportunity to say I want baked goods as well. She tells me I'm obsessed, and I let out a laugh and too much information. yes perhaps. She meant that I always want free stuff and to be taken care of.
(m)ending.
I continue to wear it on my sleeves, at the very least, I still have one to wear.

A gust

I've fallen a bit behind on things, considering, I'm sure you'll forgive me.
With the passing of whatever holiday that just did so, I declare that Summer is officially over. And what a way to end it!

It's hard to express just how much the last week of August meant to me. (the entire month actually - starting off in San Francisco visiting friends AND seeing Portraits of Past, then Liann and Sara being here, then the boys arriving - though I could have done without the news from home).

I finished another class with a B. I guess that's fine because I missed so many classes I should have failed, but I'm me. I hated the class and thought it was a huge waste of time, I felt that way about 2/3 of my summer classes; I took Health, Speech, and the Frankfurt School. Guess which one I adored?

I guess I should start with the fact that I love the members of Dead Letter Auction with all of my heart and soul. They are my best friends and I can say without hesitation that I love them unconditionally and would do whatever I could for them. So to get to play a few shows with them again was amazing, and even very much needed. I'm a little bummed John Cheesebrew couldn't make it, it would have been awesome to be able to play with both drummers at the same time; I always wanted that to happen.

Portraits of Past were a band that meant a lot to me. I listened to this record at least once a day for at least five years straight, and still revisit it quite regularly. It captures so much of how I felt musically, atmospherically, and especially lyrically. If I were younger I probably would quote certain passages here, but being older I realize one that's silly, two I don't think I can limit myself to a passage, and three I like lists. So for them to reunite, was kind of amazing. I am quite positive that I am the only person that caught all 5 reunion shows. I sat on stage for all five, like a dork, not out of entitlement, or selfishness, but out of a sense of needing to. A lot of people asked if Jonah and I are brothers, his actual brother looks nothing like him.

In the few days leading up to the shows, a local New Yorker posted a picture of a roommate of xxxx. Weird to say the least. He and I had a few messages back and forth, but left it at, I am not interested in hearing about her this way, or in this light. I like my memories of us, and I'm going to keep them. nine months ago, nine months prior to that and I never even knew of such things. A shadow of a former self.

Jarod and John arrived much earlier than Chris. We hung out, went to some parties, caused some trouble. I touched Nora Jones' hand and arm. The boys and I told stories, laughed, and I nearly cried almost every night (it's me, of course this happened).
When Chris arrived we went straight to practice, it was awkward for some reason, not because of Chris, but because it was so late and we were all somewhat exhausted already.

The shows themselves were a lot of fun. I am convinced that every other show we ever played was good, then bad, then awesome. ie we played Wednesday it was good. Thursday was awful, Friday was awesome - I couldn't have asked for a better show, aside from some friends and other certain people being there. You know who you are. I do. There were a few "indie rock celebrities" at our shows, but they didn't do anything for me. they don't move me like you do. After the show on Friday, a younger man approached me and said "I've been waiting years to see you guys play, thank you so much" I didn't know what to say, a part of me thought maybe he thought I was Jonah, but knew that wasn't true as they hadn't played yet, and we don't really look that much alike, I just don't always believe these things (but we all know how I hold on to them) "Man, you totally just blew my mind, THANK YOU." It was already all worth it on so many levels, but this is awesome.
It was well documented in pictures, however video was only taken at the first show; with 2 cameras. I lost my voice the first night. so the second two shows were interesting, so maybe it's good that they were not filmed.
I dunno, it made me miss being in a band, and I guess I'm going to try harder to get one going again. Then again, when you've had what you wanted, why go chasing for something else? I have plans, but I need to realize life is short and I can't possibly accomplish all of these things.

I crashed hard after everyone left. All of a sudden, I wake up and there's no one to cook for, no one to entertain, no one to distract me. I've been off medication for about 2 months now. These first few days have been hard at moments, but I think I'm in a much better place. Sure I still have OCD tendencies that focus on aspects that I don't understand. I wish I was the type that was more concerned with being more organized, because my apartment and room are a mess from being awesome, but no, I'm cursed with obsessing over memories etc. Someday I'll admit to these things thoroughly, 'til then we're both left with just a thought.

and back to school.
after German class I went back to work. Lou Reed, John Zorn, and Mike Patton played a show. weird. Mike is a friend of friends, but I didn't want to be bothered with him. both Macaulay and Kieran Culkin were drinking in the office with me and other coworkers, I think my mom would be impressed.

I'm skipping class to write this, one because I don't know where today's class meets, two I had to do laundry, three I need some time off to process everything, four yes that is what this is. five, I still like lists. I imagine I will revisit this and edit it. speaking of I have to add some shows to the list of shows I have played.