A quick note - 1/21/08

I put up a few older things from issues 1-4.
most of that stuff needs to stay buried, but there is something in it all; the process of discovery, the searching. looking back, it was a searching for what is wrong with me, a cry for help even. A wanting to completely excise my demons. A lot of misdirected and confused emotions. We can chalk all that up to the cutting of the teeth, finding the voice, and learning of the ropes, etc.
There are a lot of good memories too.
Reading over the published parts from the tour journals I don't feel I paid enough gratitude to the boys I was traveling with, the things we did, the places we went, the shows, the experiences, and now wished I had. I was aware then, but took it for granted. There's so much lost, even though I know it's there and it's not exactly spelled outright. I don't know, I sorta look back on it all the same way I look back at the movie Stand By Me.


I just returned from Austin, TX where I got to spend some time with Chris. It was a last minute get away totally determined by a round trip flight from Continental for $43.50 and some frequent flier miles. I was freaking out and had to get out of NYC, away from the reminders. I found peace for the first time in weeks. At first I attributed that to reaching 30,000 feet, because that was the first time since January 5th I was able to breathe normally, not be completely panic stricken, I didn't feel like breaking down and my heart stopped hurting. I wondered if the altitude had anything to do with my attraction to high places, I mean aside from the views, I was beginning to think it has an impact on my mental state as well.

Last night I had a good conversation with my sister that part of it boils down to one of the main reasons I was attracted to punk rock etc, aside from the alienation, was the desire to save the world, but the best place to actually effect change is to start within yourself. not only think about what you're doing in terms of your choices, but to really figure your shit out because one person does effect so many people. The effects are sometimes not noticed immediately, but they are immeasurable. I have made mistakes recently that made that very apparent to me, I'm still fighting them now, but I am in the process. I'm struggling, and it's going to be a long battle, that much I am aware of, there are no quick easy fixes in these sorts of things.

I believe things happen for a reason. Looking back I wish I had done something sooner, but we can only change the direction we are headed; "We'll make it as far as we can see, and I can't close my eyes."