-
Tuesday, April 29th, 2008 4:42pm.
Again, back to the loneliness of the crowds - kinda - but also - who is the intended audience? The collectivity of said audience, yet, the individuals within the crowds. How would each specific intended individual receive the message, how much thought would they put in to it; would that person consider the weight behind the intended message. Would the realization and distinctions be made between the difference of the intended and the actualized.
-
not exactly the first time I explored these thoughts. Nonetheless it's troubling me again, and will continue to do so for sometime. Partly, because there's always a specific individual, or group of individuals I have wanted acknowledgment from in many of the things I've put out in whatever various mediums: song, words, visual art, letters, or even gestures, etc.
Oh the weight behind even this question.
AND not even just that, but the lengths some people go through to be self indulgent is rather ridiculous. I recently read an essay on how the internet is very much like the panopticon (look it up), and a lot of us are falling into that trap. I don't completely agree, but it does raise interesting points. Afterall it was recently published that certain agencies use Facebook to monitor people.
-
I've decided not to send out an email concerning my birthday parties and spring break events, partly because I have a lot of work to catch up on. but I wanted to say thank you to everyone involved, that showed up, that went out of their way, spent any money in any shape or form, made any sort of sacrifice, said hi, etc.
I do have to say that Algernon Cadwallader is amazing.
that's me in the red all blurry like.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
4/29/08
Friday, April 11, 2008
The French Letter
Eventually, after their demise, Juno solidified themselves as one of my top ten essential bands of all time. Arlie's writing is a huge influence on me, and listening to some of their songs now, I realize that quite a few things I said were inspired by the way he stated them. I've always been curious about the line "Bulgakov to Woland's crowd" in the song the French Letter. It's one of my favorite songs, I've probably intentionally listened to it more than any other song (my new computers itunes count is already in the double digits for both versions after a few days). So I felt a little dumb for not having any idea what Arlie Carstens was referencing, especially after so long; A Future Lived in Past Tense came out in 2001.
It turns out it's in reference to a famous Russian Novel, "The Master and Margarita" by Mikhail Bulgakov. Woland is a character in the book, a manifestation of Satan.
I haven't read the book myself, yet - but it is now on my list. From what I gather it is a classic tale of good and evil, the ironies of the relationship between social power and Art. It's a controversial novel, with a very interesting history, even being banned as Satanic propaganda. You can read more about it here -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Master_and_Margarita
Also the line "When you were young listening to 'the lung'..." makes me wonder if that is a reference to the song by Dinosaur Jr. - I'd like to believe so.
Most of my friends love this band and song, so I wanted to share this with them.
here's an absolutely amazing live version that is required listening.
The French Letter - Live at Graceland February 1, 2003 --> right click (or control click for mac) and save target as, etc.
Who was it you said you were? and what was it you were sent here for? To drive him out so no one knows the true sentiment of your analysis now. Slave to the assassin? Bulgakov to Woland's crowd. Your ruse of sublime benevolence tapped out. A future lived in past tense right now. Who was it you said you were? and what was it you were sent here for? Bad cop wants to stir it up at the scene of the accident. Good cop wants to kiss and make up. Ever suppressing the evidence, court of opinion whispers, "there's no point left." Who was it you said you were? and what was it you were sent here for? "Only your insincerity thanks him for waiting" Stop off for a pack of smokes & a length of rope at the nearest Safeway. Hero slapped across your face. So badly in need of belief to distract from this emptiness you mistake for feeling. Who was it you said you were? Mistaking might for miracles. And what was it you were sent here for? Mistaking might for miracles? This is not going to hit you from behind, but right between the eyes. Watch the whole blinding light from the comfort of your car. A future erased by the things you never were. Who was it you said you were? Mistaking might for miracles? And what was it you were sent here for? Mistaking might for miracles? Born into oblivion, swept up and back out again "You'll leave behind all we ever did." "The only things forgotten will be the things you knew to hide" Mistaking might for miracles. Focusing on the spectacle, the purpose in the animal. Who was it you said you were. Mistaking might for miracles. What was it you were sent here for? Mistaking might for miracles. Find a sequence of numbers, all's revealed in the codes. While you sleep keep your ear on the dulcet tones. Hell no, you're not wrong if you think you're alone. Hell no, you wonder why they torch your car and smash your windows? Who was it you said you were? and what was it you were sent here for? Mistaking might for miracles. When you were young listening to "the lung" and acting like a kid. Who knew you'd always stay so thick. Faking is not enough. Wasting is not enough for this "You're not who you say you are you have no idea what you were sent here for."
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
yet even more
I've been doing A LOT of reading, and I find these things meaningful on some level. I want to share.
Max Horkheimer, "The End of Reason"
- "Rationality in the form of obedience swallows up everything, even the freedom to think."
- "Nietzsche proclaimed the death of morality; modern psychology has devoted itself to exploring it. Psychoanalysis as the adjustment form of modern skepticism triumphed over moral law through its discovery and unmasking of the father in the superego. This psychology, however, was the "owl of Minerva" which took it's flight when the shades of dark were already gathering over the whole sphere of private life. The father may still posses a superego, but the child has long unmasked it, together with the ego and the character. Today the child imitates only performances and achievements; he accepts not ideas, but matters of fact."
- "The Rationalistic society gave children legends and fairy tales so that they might mirror hope back to their disillusioned elders."
- "During good times, children are trained as future heirs; during bad times, as prospective breadwinners for their parents..."
- "The terror which pushes reason is at the same time the last means of stopping it, so close has truth come. If the atomized and disintegrating men of today have become capable of living without property, without location, without time, they also have abandoned the ego in which all prudence and all stupidity of historical reason as well as its compliance with domination was sustained. The progress of reason that leads to it's self-destruction has come to an end; there is nothing left but barbarism or freedom."
Max Horkheimer, "The Authoritarian State"
- "the consequence that flows from historical materialism today as formerly from Rousseau or the Bible, that is, the insight that "now or in a hundred years" the horror will come to an end, was always appropriate."
- "The belief that one is acting in the name of something greater than oneself is bankrupt."
- "The mass media assimilate the revolution by absorbing its leaders into their list of celebrities. The isolated individual who is not appointed or protected by any power cannot expect fame. Even so, he is a power because everyone is isolated. Their only weapon is the word."
Baudelaire : "You have no right to despise the present."
Michel Foucault -
On the Genealogy of Ethics
- "Plato asks, "How can the eye see itself?" The answer is apparently very simple, but in fact it is very complicated. For Plato, one cannot simply look at oneself in a mirror; one has to look into another eye, that is one in oneself, however in oneself in the shape of the eye of the other. And there, in the other pupil, one will see oneself: the pupil serves as the mirror. And, in the same manner, the soul contemplating itself in another soul (or in the divine element of the other soul), which is like its pupil, will recognize it's divine element."
Technologies of the Self
- "Faults are simply good intentions left undone."
The Masked Philosopher
- "Hence too, the declaration, repeated over and over, that everything nowadays is empty, desolate, uninteresting, unimportant: a declaration that obviously comes from Those who, not doing anything themselves, consider there are too many others who are."
About the Concept of the "Dangerous Individual" In Nineteenth-Century Legal Psychiatry
- "...those in power treat political misdemeanors in the same way as ordinary crimes in order to discredit them. Little by little, an image was built up of an enemy of society who can equally well be a revolutionary or a murderer - since, after all, revolutionaries do sometimes kill."
Questions of Method
- "Critique doesn't have to be the premise of a deduction that concludes, "this, then, is what needs to be done." It should be an instrument for those who fight, those who resist and refuse what is. It's use should be in processes of conflict and confrontation, essays in refusal. It doesn't have to lay down the law for the law, It isn't a stage in a programming. It is a challenge directed to what is."
Lives of Infamous Men
- "A comical effect, no doubt: there is something ludicrous in summoning all the power of words, and through them the supreme power of heaven and earth, around insignificant disorders or such ordinary woes."
Nietzsche, Genealogy, History
- "What is found at the historical beginning of things in not the inviolable identity of their origin; it is the dissension of other things. It is disparity.
- "Where the soul pretends unification or the Me fabricates a coherent identity, the genealogist sets out to study the beginning - numberless beginnings, whose faint traces and hints of color are readily seen by the historical eye. The analysis of descent permits the dissociation of the Me, its recognition and displacement as an empty synthesis, in liberating a profusion of lost events."
- "'Effective' history leaves nothing around the self, deprives the self of the reassuring stability of life and nature, and it will not permit itself to be transported by a voiceless obstinacy toward a millennial ending. It will uproot it's traditional foundations and relentlessly disrupt its pretended continuity. This is because knowledge is not made for understanding; it is made for cutting."
- "...street vendors of empty identities."
quotes from Nietzsche used in "Nietzsche, Genealogy, History"
"During barbarous ages... if the strength of an individual declined, if he felt himself tired or sick, melancholy or satiated and, as a better man, that is less dangerous. His pessimistic ideas only take form as words or reflections. In this frame of mind, he either became a thinker and prophet or used his imagination to feed his superstitions." - The Dawn of Day
"I can't stand these lustful eunuchs of history, all the seductions of ascetic ideal; I can't stand these blanched tombs producing life or those tired and indifferent beings who dress up in the part of wisdom and adopt an objective point of view." - On the Genealogy of Morals
Saturday, April 5, 2008
more words
"Our concept of human nature is certainly limited; it's partially socially conditioned, constrained by our own character defects and the limitations of the intellectual culture in which we exist. Yet at the same time it is of critical importance that we know what impossible goals we're trying to achieve, if we hope to achieve some of the possible goals. And that means that we have to be bold enough to speculate and create social theories on the basis of partial knowledge, while remaining very open to the strong possibility, and in fact overwhelming probability, that at lease in some respects we're very far off the mark."
"It is not true in our given society that all people are doing useful, productive work, or self-satisfying work - obviously that's very far from true - or that, if they were to do the kind of work they're doing under conditions of freedom, it would thereby become productive and satisfying.
Rather there are a very large number of people who are involved in other kinds of work. For example, the people who are involved in the management of exploitation, or the people who are involved in the creation of artificial consumption, or the people who are involved in the creation of mechanisms of destruction and oppression, or the people who are simply not given any place in a stagnating industrial economy. Lots of people are excluded from the possibility of productive labor."
- both from Noam Chomsky during the The Chomsky-Foucault debate, a live discussion/interview by Fons Elders, on Dutch television in November 1971.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
words
some quotes from some things I've been reading lately - all outside of school work.
“Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.” - Henry Miller
"We do not undertake analysis of works because we want to copy them or because we suspect them. We investigate the methods by which another has created his work, in order to set ourselves in motion." - Paul Klee
"Thought is not what inhabits a certain conduct and gives it its meaning; rather, it is what allows one to step back from this way of acting or reacting, to present it to oneself as an object of thought and to question it's meaning, it's conditions, and its goals. Thought is freedom in relation to what one does, the motion by which one detaches oneself from it, establishes it as an object, and reflects upon it as a problem," - Michel Foucault
"If it had not been for this thing, I might have lived out my life talking at street corners to scorning men. I might have died, unmarked, unknown, a failure. Now we are not a failure. This is our career and our triumph. Never in our full life can we hope to do such work for tolerance, justice, for man's understanding of man, as now we do by accident. Our words - our lives - our pains - nothing! The taking of our lives - lives of a good shoemaker and a poor fish peddler - all! That last moment belong to us - that agony is our triumph." - Bartolomeo Vanzetti, comment to a reporter before his execution (1927)
Monday, March 10, 2008
Upcoming events to be mindful of
This is for a few specific people:
Wednesday, March 12 - Trap Them - awesome - check flickr page for pictures.
Thursday, March 13 - Recording (this went well - will send songs around soon)
Friday, March 14 - Chris Pownall's going away party
Thursday, March 20 - Recording in Chicago
Friday, March 21 - Recording in Chicago
Saturday, March 22 - Recording in Chicago / show @ TBA
Sunday, March 23 - Shedd with Sara. Dinner etc w/ Shayna
Monday, March 24 - Return to NYC
Saturday, March 29 - Chris T's Bday "party" / Joe's goin away party
Tuesday, April 1 - Converge
Friday, April 18 - Indianapolis --> Bloomington
Saturday, April 19 - you know.
Sunday, April 20 - 31
Monday, April 21 - Help Jarod set up senior Art show
Tuesday, April 22 - Return to NYC
Wednesday, April 23 - Finest Dearest NYC @ Trash Bar / my Bday party
Thursday, April 24 - Finest Dearest Boston @ Mass Art
Wednesday, April 25 - Finest Dearest Philly @ ATM house w/ Algernon Cadwallader - record release party!
Saturday, May 3 - Who Calls So Loud @ ABC No Rio - have to go in between classes.
Saturday, May 17 - philosophy class take a field trip for our last day, Psych final.
Monday, May 19 - Math final
Monday, June 16 - Trap Them @ Knitting Factory w/ Killing The Dream
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
List of shows
Things have been busy, those of you that get my emails, know that it's going to stay that way for quite some time - we're talking years.
Oh the places you'll go. so many of my friends got this book for graduation.
Here is a list of shows I played in the bands that actually toured. I kept pretty decent records for the most part, I think I missed a few here and there for each band.
I was also in some bands that played other shows, some never made it passed the practice stage, and some never even outside of the idea. Those include:
A Photograph to Remember You By (we played some shows, had a demo that only one person likes (maybe a few others) - to which I am still very thankful for).
xCongressoftheCrowx (we added a member and changed our name --> red heroine),
The Rebellions' New Idol (I don't think I ever played a show),
The Grapes of Wrath (played (at least) 2 shows, I played (at least) one of them that included me ramming myself through a wall, and the rest of the band destroying the house, literally),
Skullyard (we played a few shows. I "played" drums, they recorded the demo without me!)
Our Past Projects - practiced and recorded 2 songs. Jeremy would be upset if I didn't mention this band.
Arrows (practiced a few times, even recorded a practice, planned shows and a tour, but fell apart, moved to opposite coasts).
I am in the process of starting up again, and someone recently asked about some shows I've played. It's always fun looking back, it's a good way to see where you are, and where you might go.
Cataract Falls Shows:
7/20/96 ft wayne, IN; carolyn's house - independence fest #1 (chris and damian palyed two acoustic songs)
8/3/96 - ft wayne, IN; simmy' shouse - w/ torque, green albinos - first show
11/2/96- corruna, IN; a pole barn - w/ torque
12/7/96 - ft wayne, IN; stacey's house - w/ agna moraine's autobiography
12/31/96 - indianapolis, IN; sit-com - w/ texas is the reason and the promise ring
1/24/97 - ft wayne, IN; chris's house - Ramona and Beezus first cd release.
1/31/97 - anderson, IN; A-1 records -
2/15/97 - ft wayne, IN; the loft - w/ stream of concious
4/20/97 - ft wayne, IN; stacey's house - damian and stacey acoustic
4/21/97 - anderson, IN; A-1 records - w/ bordo kit
5/17/97 - ft wayne, IN; stacey's house - w/ thoughts of ionesco, and wallside. there is a cassette of the ionesco and wallside sets.
5/23/97 - indianapolis, IN; missing link records - w/ opium taylor
5/24/97 - bloomington, IN; 602 S mitchell st - w/ cartwheels on clouds, red devil/bluedevil...
5/25/97 - anderson, IN; A-1 records - w/ my life in rain, flatus, others...?
6/?/97 - muncie, IN; Stevie ray's house of wax - w/ lubricant unkown
6/?/97 - anderson, IN: the fire lodge - w/ j church
7/18/97 - denton, texas; fest at the argo - w/ managra, prisoners of... and others
7/19/97 - little rock, AR; riverfront park
7/22/97 - memphis, TN; the alternative restraunt - w/ houseflies
7/24/97 - cary, NC; bond park - w/ fall without fear, zegote, bound.
7/25/97 - winston-salem, NC; pablo's - w/ zegote ...
7/27/97 - bloomington, IN; Rockit's pizza - w/ mudfoot, el guapo (last show w/ stacey)
8/16/97 - ft wayne, IN; james' house - w/ james winans, torque. this was our first "last show" - stacey didn't show up until we were done playing.
these two shows were with james on bass:
??/98 - bloomington, IN; union st house - w/ cartwheels on clouds.
???/98 - akron, OH; ???
at some point in july we went out on a tour, jarod is now the bass player.
?/98 - lexington, KY; the 3 center? - wesley willis was at this show. !!!
?/98 - cary, NC; bond park - w/ reinforce
4/30/99 - muncie - student center -w/ javen,
5/16/99 - chicago, IL; the fireside w/ lazarus plot, rom, jumping bomb angel, dead letter auction
5/18/99 - minneapolis, MN; castle danger w/ the ending again, dead letter auction (video)
5/19/99 - rapid city, SD; old story book island park w/ mike ray, dead letter auction (video)
5/24/99 - sacramento, CA; the loft w/ smash your face, dead letter auction
5/26/99 - goleta, CA; the pickle patch w/ hail mary, dead letter auction
5/29/99 - san diego, CA; che cafe w/ hail mary, dead letter auction , jenny piccolo (video)
5/30/99 - albuquerque, NM; youth in transaction w/ fever hot, (i prefer) brand x, roman candle choir, dead letter auction (cataract falls last show).
Dead Letter Auction Shows
▼spaces indicate lineup changes▼
001. 11/21/98; ft wayne, IN; industrial joe's
002. 11/ 27/98; ft wayne, IN; 2805 maumee w/ all pain aside
003. 12/02/98; ft wayne, IN; 2805 maumee w/ shuttlecock, joshua, elisha's sorrow
004. 12/05/98; ft wayne, IN; industrial joe's w/ circa 33
005. /12/13/98; ft wayne, IN; outer limits w/the lop, the agnostics
006. 12/31/98; ft wayne, IN; 2805 maumee w/ ramona and beezus, elisha's sorrow, firesign, yesod
007. 01/03/99; ft wayne, IN; tah cum wah (skate park benefit) all that's noteworthy: signal 30 and elisha's sorrow
008. 01/09/99; ft wayne, IN; northside park pavillion w/ lucas alvarez.
009. 01/29/99; ft wayne, IN; sunset hall w/ elisha's sorrow, mob 9, reactor 4
010. 02/19/99; chicago, IL; university of chicago w/ elisha's sorrow, national acrobat, subsist,
011. 02/20/99; ft wayne, IN; the back door w/ elisha's sorrow, yesod, skavossas (this was a benefit for the skate park, that raised $605)
012. 03/06/99; ft wayne, IN; 2805 maumee ave w/ milemarker, elisha's sorrow. (our first show with nick)
013. 03/13/99; ft wayne, IN; 2805 maumee ave w/ ghoul, elisha's sorrow, national acrobat, dead season
014. 04/02/99; bloomington, IN; S. walnut w/ elisha's sorrow, chalkline, suicide note(our last show w/nick)
015. 04/16/99; ft wayne, IN; 2805 maumee w/ cataract falls, grapes of wrath, elisha's sorrow. (video)
016. 04/30/99; ft wayne, IN; 2805 maumme ave (last show there) w/ghoul, elisha's sorrow. (video)
017. 05/13/99; ft wayne, IN; the backdoor w/ ramona and beezus and cataract falls (video)
018. 05/16/99; chicago, IL; the fireside w/ lazarus plot, rom, jumping bomb angel, cataract falls
019. 05/18/99; minneapolis, MN; castle danger w/ the ending again, cataract falls, (video)
020. 05/19/99; rapid city, SD; old story book island park w/ mike ray, cataract falls (video)
021. 05/24/99; sacramento, CA; the loft w/ smash your face, cataract falls
022. 05/26/99; goleta, CA; the pickle patch w/ hail mary, cataract falls
023.05/29/99; san diego, CA; che cafe w/ hail mary, cataract falls, jenny piccolo (video)
024. 05/30/99; albuquerque, NM; youth in transaction w/ fever hot, (i prefer) brand x, roman candle choir, cataract falls.
025. jana's graduation party - ??? w/ghoul
026. ???99; back door; acacia, dead season, (1st show with c.p.)
027. 7/21/99; shaoff park; all pain aside, elliott, others.
028. 7/23/99; shoaff park; the locust, black cat #13, outhud, my lai, the S process
029. 8/5/99; battle creek, MI; house show; pillage people
030. 8/19/99; backdoor; ghoul, charm city suicides
031. 9/??/99; back door; free show;
032. 10/29/99; back door; small brown bike (last show with j.c.)
033. 11/26/99; backdoor; porphyria (1st show with travis)
034. 12/1/99; backdoor; *damian solo*, cross my heart, appleseed cast
035. 12/18/99; chicago; fireside bowl; (w/o jarod, josh instead), usurp synapse, kung fu rick
036. 2/5/00; northside park; ghoul, fat ass, anonymity
037. 3/18/00;
038. 4/14/00; back door; ac/dc benefit show
039. 4/20/00; back door; small brown bike, xCONGRESSoftheCROWx,
040. 5/8/00; backdoor; black dice, the rapture (Damian busted open eye resulting in $580 worth of stitches)
041. 6/1/00; backdoor; the ruby dare
04x. - 6/3/00; IPFW - Relay For Life Cancer Benefit - Instrumental Show.
042. 6/16/00; franke; mara kate, god must be on a holiday, skullyard, xCONGRESSoftheCROWx, orbitors, project k
043. 7/11/00; backdoor; the falling, xCONGRESSoftheCROWx.
044. 7/12/00; chicago, fireside; Pop Unknown, the thumbs
045. 7/13/00; normal, IL, house show; the falling
046. 7/15/00; denver, CO 15th ST Tavern.
047. 4/28/01; Louisville, KY, Brycc House
048. 7/04/01; Memorial Park, w/ the vida blue, proudentall, + others
049. 8/17/01; YWCA, w/ the falling, + The Assistant, Walken, and The Radio Raheem
050. 8/26/01; Columbia St West, the Phoenix Fest; w/ all pain aside, cornfed johnson, heavy step, etc.
051. 9/15/01; Flint, MI, flint local 432; w/ all pain aside
052. 9/15/01; Flint, MI, ???; w/ ???
053. 10/06/01; Memorial Park; w/ forstella ford, kid brother collective
054. 11/02/01; Cleveland, OH
055. 11/11/01; Latrobe, PA
056. 12/01/01; Goshen, IN
057. 12/08/01; South Bend, IN
058. 12/11/01; Ft Wayne, IN @ Columbia St West
059. 01/08/02; Ft Wayne, IN @ Columbia St West (Sabbathon)
060. 02/14/02; Ft Wayne, IN @ Crescent house
061. 02/17/02; Ft Wayne, IN @ Sneaky Pete's
062. 02/26/02; Ft Wayne, IN @ Columbia St. West ???
063. 03/01/02; Louisville, KY @ The Brycc House
064. 03/02/02; Bowling Green, KY @ The Nite Lite
065. 03/03/02; Murfreesboro @ The Red Rose
066. 03/05/02; Birmingham @ The Boiler Room w/ Black Cat Music
067. 03/06/02; Atlanta, GA @ C-5 South
068. 03/07/02; gainseville @ common grounds w/ black cat music
069. 03/08/02; Savannah, GA @ The 2424
070. 03/10/02; Orlando, FL @ josh’s house
071. 03/11/02; Gainesville, FL @ Durty Nelly’s
072. 03/13/02; Pensacola @ Van Gogh's
073. 03/14/02; New Orleans @ the dixie tavern
074. 03/16/02; Houston @ Missouri City Park
075. 03/19/02; Albuquerque @ insomnia coffie house
076. 03/20/02; El Paso @ Cantina La Tuya
077. 03/21/02; Tempe @ the funhouse (1810 randall)
078. 03/22/02; Phoenix @ Modified Arts
079. 03/23/02; San Diego @ The Che Cafe w/ dead and gone
080. 03/25/02; Los Angeles @ The Smell w/the chromatics, neon king kong, moving units
081. 03/27/02; Bakersfield @ Munoz Gym
082. 03/29/02; Santa Cruz @ Josh's House;
083. 03/30/02; San Jose @ Joe's House
084. 03/31/02; San Francisco @ Mission Records
085. 04/02/02; Chico
086. 04/04/02; Ashland @ Evo's
087. 04/05/02; Eugene, OR @ the Basement
089. 04/06/02; Salem @ the Triangle
090. 04/07/02; Redmond, OR @ boys and girls club
091. 04/08/02; Portland, OR @ it's a beautiful pizza
092. 04/09/02; Olympia @ the Phoenix house w/ Pleasure Forever, Love Life
093. 04/10/02; Tacoma @ University of Puget Sound
094. 04/12/02; Seattle @ The Paradox Theater
095. 04/13/02; Moscow, Idaho @ mikey's gyros;
096. 04/14/02; Boise @ JD and Friends
097. 04/15/02; Great Falls, MT @ cummunity rec center
098. 04/17/02; Ft Collins @ surfside 7
099. 04/18/02; Denver @ freedom Auto
100. 04/19/02; Colorado Springs @ high life house
101. 04/20/02; Denver @ the Raven
102. 04/21/02; Colorado Springs @ Indy Nation
103. 04/24/02; Lawrence @ The Pirate House
104. 04/25/02; Mankato, MN @ your mom's
105. 04/26/02; Minneapolis @ The House Of Knives
106. 04/29/02; Chicago @ fireside w/ forstella ford, casket lottery
107. 06/07/02; Ft Wayne @ the basement
108. 07/07/02; Greenville, IN @ house
109. 07/24/02; Ft Wayne; the Freedom House
110. 08/01/02; Ft Wayne; Columbia St West
111. 08/05/02; Summersville, SC @ All Books
112. 08/07/02; Richmond, VA @ Saghi's
113. 08/08/02; Raleigh, NC @ Camp Create
114. 08/09/02; Adelphi, MD @ the Dirt Farm
115. 08/10/02; New York City/Long Island @ house w/ Helen of Troy + Swimming with Sharks
116. 08/17/02; Pittsburgh, PA @ Mr Roboto w/ ten grand + more
120. 08/18/02; Columbus, OH @ the legion of doom w/ ten grand, step softly, ghost + more
121. 09/01/02; Bloomington Fest
122. 09/05/02; Indianapolis, IN @ Solidarity Books w/ Funeral Diner + Rats into Robots
123. 09/06/02; Ft Wayne, IN @ Subterranean w/ Funeral Diner + Rats into Robots
124. 09/07/02; Columbus, OH @ Skatepark w/ Funeral Diner + Rats into Robots + ?
125. 09/08/02; Milford, MI @ House w/ Funeral Diner + Funeral for Rosewater + ?
126. 09/17/02; Ft Wayne @ Columbia St West
127. ??/??/02; North Manchester, IN @ the Firehouse
128. 11/04/02, Fort Wayne, IN, Freedom House, w/ Jose Indigo & Taking Pictures
129. 12/26/02; Ft Wayne @ the Freedom House
130. 01/10/03; Cedarville, IN @ the Kitchen
131. 01/11/03; Ft Wayne @ Sneaky Pete's
132. 01/18/03; Bloomington, IN @ the Octopus Palace w/ Stillwell, Murder By Death
133. 01/19/03; Muncie, IN @ ??? w' Murder By Death + Step Softly Ghost
134. 02/28/03; Ft Wayne @ the Freedom House
135. 03/01/03; Ft Wayne @ IPFW
136. 03/08/03; Pittsburgh, PA @ Mr Roboto
137. 03/10/03; Philadelphia, PA @ the Space w/ the Advocate, Fall on Deaf Years + Step Softly, Ghost
138. 03/12/03; Baltimore, MD @ the Charm City Space w/ Light the Fuse + Run, + Step Softly, Ghost
139. 03/14/03; Nashville, TN @ the Muse w/ Oliver's Army + the English System + Step Softly, Ghost
140. 03/15/03; Bowling Green, KY @ the Nite Class w/ Oliver's Army + the English System + Step Softly, Ghost
141. 03/18/03; Ft Wayne @ Columbia St West w/ Step Softly Ghost + Definitely Gary
142. 04/08/03; Ft Wayne @ Columbia St West w/ Step Softly Ghost + Graves of the Endless Fall, Fat Ass, the Jabs, Cal Johnson, John Commorado
143. 05/09/03; Detroit, Mi @ The Trumbullplex w/ Funeral Diner + Takaru + City of Caterpillar, The amputation, The sea the sea, Funeral For Rosewater
144. 05/10/03; Columbus, Oh - @ The Legion Of Doom w/ Funeral Diner + Takaru + Van Johnson
145. 05/11/03; Ft. Wayne, IN @ the Freedom House w/ Funeral Diner + Takaru + common cold
146. 05/12/03; West Chicago, Il - @ Vinyl Underground w/ Funeral Diner + Takaru
147. 05/13/03; Milwaukee, WI @ The Pierce Street House w/ Funeral Diner + Takaru
148. 05/17/03; Murfreesboro, TN @ The Red Rose w/ Black Soul Choir
149. 05/18/03; Long Beach, MS @ The Long Beach Pavilion
150. 05/19/03 Lafayette, LA @ Changes
151. 05/20/03; Baton Rouge, LA @ Craig and Kurt's House
152. 05/21/03; Shreveport, LA @ lil joe's tavern
153. 05/22/03; Houston, TX @ Fat Cat's w/ burned out bright
154. 05/24/03; El Paso, TX E9 Outdoor Stage
155. 05/25/03; Portales, NM @ community center
156. 05/28/03; Bakersfield @ Munoz Gym
157. 05 29/03; Santa Cruz @ UCSC w/ Funeral Diner
158. 05/31/03; San Gregario @ The Saloon w/ Funeral Diner
159. 06/02/03; Bend @ the House of Usher
160. 06/03/03; Portland @ house
161. 06/04/03; Tacoma @ Hell's Kitchen
162. 06/05/03; Seattle @ the Dirty Feet Mansion
163. 06/06/03; Bellingham, WA @ 21st Century Bowl
164. 06/07/03; Spokane @ Cafe Sole w/ Death Kills Time
165. 06/08/03; Twin Falls @ the house of sonic debauchery
166. 06/10/03; Denver @ 15th St Tavern
167. 06/11/03; Colorado Springs @ The High Life House
168. 06/12/03; Omaha @ house
169. 06/14/03; Mankato @ Barn
170. 06/15/03; Minnesota @ Big V's
171. 06/16/03; Milwaukee @ Pierce Street House
172. 06/19/03; Ft Wayne @ the Freedom House w/ Sergio Leone
173. 07/11/03; Indianapolis @ Solidarity Books w/ Light the Fuse + Run, Transistor Transistor, + Mara'akate
174. 07/18/03; N. Manchester @ the Firehouse w/ Chester
175. 07/19/03; Ft Wayne @ the Freedom House w/ End on End + Wilmot Proviso + the Great Redneck Hope + Jared Grabb
176. 08/08/03; Ft Wayne @ the Freedom House
177. 08/09/03; Ft Wayne, IN Art Attack 2 show @the old Sneaky Pete's Building
178. 08/16/03; Louisville, KY @ 624 E. Breckinridge St. w/ Kodan Armada, Ampere, + and then there were none
179. 08/24/03 - Milwaukee, WI @ Endless Nameless
180. 08/25/03 - Minneapolis, MN @ the Babylon w/ Huge Rats Attack
181. 08/26/03 - Mankato, MN @ Lucy's Barn
182. 08/27/03 - Cedar Falls, Iowa - @ the Reverb
183. 08/28/03 - Omaha, NE @ the Power Pad
184. 08/29/03 - Denver, CO @ Garageland
185. 08/30/03 - Colorado Springs, Co @ the High Life House
186. 09/16/03 - Fort Wayne, Indiana @ Columbia St West w/ Step Softly, Ghost
187. 10/04/03 - North Manchester, Indiana @ the Firehouse w/ Pacific UV
188. 12/31/03 - Fort Wayne, Indiana @ 2318 Montclair Ave w/ Middle Class
189. 05/27/04 - North Manchester@ the Firehouse
190. 06/04/04 - Dayton, OH --->Not much More than Music Fest
191. 08/27/08 - Brooklyn, NY @ the Cat House w/ Algernon Cadwallader, Towers, Who Calls So Loud
192. 8/28/08 - Brooklyn, NY @ the Charleston w/ Who Calls So Loud, Portraits of Past
193. 8/29/08 - Brooklyn, NY @ Death By Audio w/ Tropic of Nelson, Ampere, Portraits of Past
Red Heroine shows
11.25.00; 1211 Andrew St w/ the Falling
12.02.00; circvs fest
12.16.00; Lafayette, IN
01.27.01; Ft Wayne, IN; Psi Ote Barn
02.23.01; Ft Wayne, IN; Psi Ote Barn
04.06.01; Ann Arbor, MI; the Pirate House
04.09.01; Ft Wayne, IN; Franke Park Pavillion
04.14.01; Ft Wayne, IN; Psi Ote Barn
06.21.01; Indianapolis, IN; the volcano room w/ the locust, the blow up, and sutek conspiracy
06.28.01; Iowa City, IA; theta beta potata;
06.29.01; Sioux Falls, SD; w/ caligari, spirit of versailles, etc
06.30.01; Chicago, IL;
07.19.01; Ft Wayne, IN;
07.29.01; Ft Wayne, IN; the YWCA (--> convolution records)
x?.?x.01; Ft Wayne, IN; Memorial Park w/ the Beautys
Drowning With Our Anchors shows (that I played) -
fri. april 27th - reno, nevada*
sat. april 28th - provo, utah*
wed. may 2nd - fort wayne, indiana*
thur.may 3rd - columbus, ohio*
fri.may 4th - philadelphia, pennsylvania*
sat. may 5th - new york*
sun. may 6th - new jersey*
mon. may 7th - Dayton, OH
tues. may 8th - indianapolis, indiana*
wed. may 9th - louisville, kentucky*
thur. may 10th - wichita, kansas
fri. may 11th - albuquerque, new mexico*
sat. may 12th - phoenix, arizona
sun. may 13th - Tijuana, Mexico
tues. may 15th - Santa Cruz, california
wed. may 16th - oakland, california
Thursday, February 14, 2008
a tale of a fourth grade dinner party.
I have been sending around emails with a few personal updates and some of my friends write back some of the sweetest, most meaningful, and endearing replies I could ever hope for. Some write back with the funniest things I have ever read. Both of these things are equally appreciated, important, and even needed. Some are not responding and even one of is forwarding the emails around to people that are not involved or have the slightest of clues to where I've been and what I have overcome.
I have made reference to the importance of friendships since I have been publishing my writing, for just over 10 years. A lot of people like to put so much emphasis on family (family first!), but sometimes our paths are truly that of which we have to walk away from those that were mere vague figures of what the idea of family is, or should be. My friends have always been my first family.
It's always really exciting coming across long lost friends, and more so upon realizing you went along the same paths. Last year, I reconnected with my best friend from elementary school, whom, I haven't spoken to since then, and we realized we both were in bands involved in the same distant sense of community. This shows me that people that come in our lives are meant to. He was a truly great friend. In fourth grade I was allowed to have him over for dinner, I think the only time that ever happened. He exclaimed proudly, "Look at him, he's like the godfather!" Because my step-mom said something negative towards me. He was talking about me, with clear reference to this is going to be a great man, support him and you will watch him grow, cross him, and you will be sorry, stifle him and it will be one of the greatest crimes ever committed.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008; 12:07p
Still this 4:30a.m. crap. I have been waking up at 4:30a.m. everyday for the last month, on the dot, with out fail. I'd like to think this is improving. But I've been doing this waking up in between 4-6a.m. for no reason, for 3 years with regular occurrence, more on than off. And during those times, more often than not, it's 4:30a.m. What is this? I was born at 3:27a.m. so that isn't what it is, did a relative die at this time? I mean seriously, it's starting to really get to me.
Eventually, I got up and did a few things.
I walked out of the door at exactly 10a.m. I returned one hour and one minute later (11:01a.m.). I headed North(east) on Troutman and turned right on Metropolitan.
They really do import dog shit into my neighborhood. No other neighborhood in all of NYC has this much shit per capita.
It was an interesting walk. I passed a building that was unbelievably huge in length. It reminds me of the GM factory outside of Fort Wayne. That building is so long that the curvature of the earth had to be taken into consideration when they designed it. This building though, I couldn't figure out. It's not a school, not a prison, and not a factory - Just tons of no trespassing signs and surveillance warnings. Of course, my camera batteries were dead. This is my luck, this building and the run down ice cream stand would have been interesting to shoot.
Out there, it feels like those little towns I would curse for making me slow down while driving through on tour, or the ones off the smaller highways in Indiana - between Fort Wayne and Richmond, for example. The ones you WILL get a ticket in if you are seven miles over the speed limit. It's quaint, run down, dirty, desolate. This is where people come to die.
I passed a mansion and some really huge churches.
I lost track of the random turns I took and in turn got lost myself. It was an overcast day so I couldn't see the skyline of Manhattan. I'm not really sure if I would have been able to anyway, there is a hill in between where I was and the city. I trusted my intuition and found a familiar street name.
I had walked really far east into Queens. I was walking fairly fast, and found myself in unfamiliar settings. It felt good. My mind raced over my past and made plans for the future. I had no time to ask questions or get a word in edgewise. I gave silent thanks for things that have happened, that have allowed me this freedom to explore the city I am learning to call home. I thought of many loved ones, some have come and gone , but they are a part of me now, forever, responsible for shaping the person I am becoming. I am so thankful that no one can rob me of my failures.
As I got closer to my apartment, the sidewalks' shit covered ratio steadily increased.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I take comfort in this
On the Hades resource page, I made it to numbers 273 and 371 with my participation in Cataract Falls, the most embarrassing of all my endeavors.
http://www.econemisis.com/Gra-to-Ham/hades.php
It's an interesting read, if you have the time.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Issue #6
Issue #6 - re-evaluation came out February 2001
It took a long time for this issue to come out, many delays, and personal things. It was the last issue I completed and put out, despite intentions. the red heroine cd came out around this time. there's an idea in one of these pieces that evolved into in my sole lyrical contribution to that band ("Green or not, there are other pastures, far from here. I am not running away"). I was pretty bitter about something, I can't remember. I think maybe Jarod (actually, I don't think it was him, but a few other friends combined, I can't remember) and I had a little fight or something. The piece on "the poop house" and the bat is one of my favorites. I should do some reworking and editing sometime or something. Yes we actually called our house "the poop house" - you'll see why.
It's probably hard for everyone to keep track of all the different Chris's that get mentioned in the issues. There are three total: Chris Lawhorn (played drums in Cataract Falls and is Ramona and Beezus), Chris Pownall (played bass in DLA starting in summer of 1999 and broke the band up more than anything or anyone else), and Chris Leaman (Lint's owner and me and Josh's roommate in "the poop house"). There are also two Johns. John Cheesebrew (roommate multiple times and drummer of Dead Letter Auction multiple times, I think from 1998 - 1999 and then again in 2004 and singer for red heroine) and John McCormick (also the drummer of Dead Letter Auction from 2001 - 2003, we kinda shared a bed and stuff). These guys all were very awesome and still are!!! and have accomplished other things besides the above mentioned. Look them up someday in the future and you'll realize they were ahead of their time.
I'm just going to re-type up almost the entire issue. This one, I am almost proud of.
*** = new page/or section. you're smart, you'll figure it out.
***
And here we are again.
This issue was supposed to be (a recurring theme) a split issue with Jeremy J Jacobs (also affectionately known as Jeremy J Jackass, aka jeremy xabstentionx, aka that kid on the cover of the Birthright CD "Out of Darkness"). Like always things change, and this is not a split issue. Maybe someday we will put one together.
Who am I kidding really? Progress is being made, albeit baby steps, it is being made, and that has to count for something right?
I shouldn't tell you about the things I intend on doing because tomorrow I will change my mind and then who knows? Never cry wolf. I am doing one more printed issue (#7), then I am taking a break. I am at a point where I think I need to take a step back and think about the relevance and (un)importance, but that's this theme's issue, if you will; reevaluating things I am doing and those around me, especially. It's an endless process too often over looked.
Stand By Me is a great movie, it is one of my favorites, because of the message it sends; the importance of friendship. I think about my friends all the time. Last night I watched it with a relatively new friend and the part that stuck me this time was something to the affect of - don't stick around your friends, if your friends will drag you down. That's an awful thought to have, but it makes sense. And I have been walking away more and more.
A lot has changed since the last time we met like this.
There was a period of time where my mindset was it seems I have lost a lot of the things I held most dear to me, proving either nothing lasts forever or nothing is what it seems. I have been staying home and away from everyone as much as possible. Now I think I am beginning again.
I hope this finds you well. Please write. Thank you and take good care.
Damian - September 1999 - January 2001
***
I write with a pen that has run dry.
***
I write with a pen that only bleeds.
[um what was on this page doesn't need to be reprinted]
***
I trace with this pen, not write.
you have heard it all before.
not only from me, but also from those that have come before me, you will hear it from those that will continue to come. If you are alive, you have heard it in your own thoughts.
I am alone.
I am restless.
I feel empty.
I am surrounded.
I am confined.
I long.
***
tonight I made sure that my intake of caffeine was high, almost an overdose, if you will. I feel the effects, my right arm aches which in turn makes it hard to keep hold of the pen I use to write this.
Recently I have been toying around with the thought of running away. It's a strange thought to entertain at 22 years of age. Running away sounds like something straight out of high school. I also associate it with escaping one's parents; I am not currently in either of my parents' home. It seems we have been getting along pretty well lately. It's been longer than lately, Things between us took a turn awhile back. I don't know maybe we just don't see enough of each other to realize how much the other is a fuck up.
I don't know if I am really trying to escape anything, or just trying to leave it behind, move on. It would be running away, just the same.
I have grown tired of being frustrated due to the people that surround me. I know I will run into this anywhere I go, but....
I can't help thinking that it would be better. Green or not, there are other pastures. My thoughts are with my heart which is so distant from here.
I watch so many of my friends, even close ones, accept things they dislike and speak in disapproving tones of because it's all they can get. I follow so close behind at times. We are all so impatient. Our destinations lie so close, but we are all so stubborn, or lazy, or two steps away from becoming jaded. Those of us that do work together make little progress. We are all poor. And no one wants to give young people an ear for an afternoon. So I feel like I am treadmilled. I need to feel like I am making some sort of progress, even if I am only fooled, I have made that abundantly clear by now. Since I feel no sense of progress, I keep thinking that I should leave the things that seem to confine me. yet I stay put, because of attachment.
Attachments are evil.
there are always exceptions.
If you could/would come with me, we would burn all of this to the ground; never to look back, never to come back.
The sun is coming up.
I think I said what I needed to.
Thanks for listening.
***
I would say that it's the better half of us that are concerned about or at least immensely aware of the adverse affects of little sleep, or complete deprivation has on us; meaning, we live it. All the while loving tiredness' embrace, I despise sleep under the assumption that sleep is actually a waste of time; there is the whole world waiting to have me explore it with my own eyes. However, I rarely get out of the confines of this city, or even these bedroom walls.
I have recently realized that my lack of sleep has fed paranoia. I may also happen to note that this is probably equally fed by the house I am currently residing in.
I moved out of my parent's home, which I was temporarily staying in after our ill fated, but equally fun tour (see issue 5). It's a comfortable enough house, but it's my parent's house. I felt suffocated. It's weird. I feel that I must be reserved and respect my parent's normal sleeping patterns. I wouldn't have even thought of it eight years ago. This is made more ironic by my sisters obsessive and excessive partying and loudness throughout all hours of the night. I also no longer have a room to call my own. I was stationed in the guest bedroom which used to be my sister's room. She moved into my old room after I moved out almost four years ago.
It is equally weird and cool hanging out with my little sister until 4 am in a room I once considered home. It sends me back to the days when I would have friends (actually girlfriends), come over after school and then somehow manage to sneak them out after my step-mom returned from work, without getting caught. We weren't willing to part until after she came home and it was absolutely necessary for them to leave, none of this before she comes home business. The thrill provided for some great fun. This is the room I taught myself how to play guitar in.
I think combined factors made me slip into intense insanity and an extremely low feeling, it made me seriously feel like a loser. I just couldn't take it anymore, so I moved out.
The house I moved into has a great many more faults, very few pros actually. In fact, the only one is to be away from my parents. Maybe being able to practice, but again the inability is traceable back to being in my parent's house. Which, when I really think about it, this place is worse than being there. All of this I failed to take notice of, or even consider as a possibility prior to this desperate act of freedom seeking.
I hate all forms of insects and rodents (including those that take on the human form). This house must serve as some sort of fallout shelter or safehouse for these species/orders. I have had a great number of run ins with these residents. Even though I am vegan and an advocate for animal rights, I cannot find it anywhere even remotely close to my heart to find sympathy for these disgusting creatures. There are mice, which the thought frightens and completely disgusts me to no end. There is some form of a half-bred centipede that we are surely convinced of being some sort of alien race come to claim our home, then the rest of the planet to enslave all of the humans.
Then there is Lint, our faithfully shitting as soon as you turn you back to, dog. He is still a young puppy but already half my size (which is larger than Jarod) and he likes to pee wherever, whenever, and as much as possible. He will eat ANYTHING within reach; CD players (I think he claimed the lives of 2) CDs (100's), shoes, dishes, clothing, trash, tools, furniture... His excrement creates such a stench that you can smell it before even reaching the steps of the front porch to enter the house. Which I am sure members of Dead Season, Outhud, Charm City Suicides, and Appleseed Cast will attest to. Which is quite embarrassing.
The house also serves as a place where underage kids come to drink with the other housemates, who seem to only be around to enable such atrocious acts. I say it's an act of genocide, but again, I haven't been sleeping much and am quite paranoid.
Which brings us to the bat that terrorized me and others for four days. For sometime after I would still get freaked out by the whole situation. I was in bed in my sleeping attire, which I offer isn't much at all, reading Henry Miller's Black Spring at approximately 4 am, when all of a sudden this bat just appears in my room circling at head level, getting way too close. Dangerously so. I freaked and pulled the "covers" over my head and began screaming for help. My attempt was futile. There were 3 doors, 2 stereos and a floor separating me from Josh, who happened to just move in the night all of this occurred; which I couldn't help but think it was Josh just messing with me, or maybe he is that bat! (in my sleep deprived madness). He had actually just returned from a walk ten minutes prior to all of this, and had to climb to the second floor to get in, because the front door was locked and I couldn't hear him knocking.
The bat finally left my room and began circling the hallway in a pace like pattern. I shut my door and proceeded to put on clothing that covered every part of my body. I peaked out and it was gone. So, I quickly ran down the stairs and opened the door to find the bat had somehow managed to get through a closed door. Again I started yelling for Josh and brought Lint's attention to it. He started barking. Josh has an equally disliking for critters. So he screamed and slammed his bedroom door. He reappeared ducking, with more clothes on and a ball cap, obviously as some sort of wishful thinking type armor. We proceeded to turn on every light we could. Bats mustn't be too fond of light, being they're nocturnal, or so we figured, knowing full well bats are actually blind.
Lint continuously jumped in a circular pattern, barking. I opened the front door and told the bat that it should kindly get out. Lint took this as a cue and bolted out the door and down the street. I was half tempted to just let him go. Josh and I hated that dog. We went and fetched him out of respect and empathy for the dog's owner, Chris (Lehman).
We didn't see the bat for the rest of the morning or day. It was rather unsettling. Which provided provisions to further prevent me from sleeping. The mice running around the house is something that just feeds the sleep deprived induced paranoia.
The next evening we left Chris's girlfriend, Jessica alone and we went to watch an "illegal" showing of a movie.
I received reports at 6am the following morning that the bat had literally chased Jessica out of the house. She had her dog, Zoe with her too. I was told that Lint and Zoe had possibly attacked the bat!
The next morning I awoke around 5 am in a sweat after hearing "the bat is in your room" repeated repeatedly only to hear mad shuffling from under my bed. I turned my light on, thinking it was a mouse. The shuffling moved into the center of the room, which my room is such a mess, it provided for plenty of cover. I turned on another light and what looked like to be a jet black mouse, but in fact was the injured bat. This was immediately followed by screams for Chris. Chris managed to capture it in a shoebox. The bat did put in a pretty good fight, hissing, showing it's teeth and carrying on.
I couldn't fall asleep and kept brushing myself off in a paranoia stricken fear that it may have actually been in my bed, or even worse yet, it may have touched me. I recalled seeing a black shape under my bed against the wall, when Jarod was over and I was trying to find something for him, I dismissed it as some type of paper or some other sort of trash. So I got up to check, and sure enough, it was no longer there.
I slept for three hours today. the day before maybe five, and the day before that not much better. At times I do wonder how much longer until I go completely insane?
***
On Saturday, May 30, 2000, my van broke down. I decided to abandon it, after 2 long years, and a few major repairs. I left it where it sat, untraceable for over five months in the parking lot of a shut down gas station. They had to work around it to remove the gas tanks. Some of the kids and I joked around about totally destroying it, setting fire, and endless other combinations.
You can get comfortable thinking that people are alright, then a situation presents itself shedding new light and you find they aren't all you made them out to be. this is a great flaw of mine; hence "romancing the actors."
I lost my job at a record store, due solely to a fellow employee, a known felon, who was knowingly stealing from the place exaggerated quite extensively. After explaining my position I was asked to come back. I refused. Again my dad bails me out with a job. Ironically, I am now back at the record store and I am the manager.
I went on tour again, July 11-16, very short. I went to places I've never been. Dead Letter Auction played one of our best shows ever in the least likely of places. I met Tyler and Simon, of the Falling. They will leave life long impressions on my heart. I come home and someone I either seemingly mistook or forced to be one of my best friends breaks my heart in the most elementary of ways. This was my fault, somehow. But "all is fair in love and war" and forgiven.
Time can be so easily misspent that you can waste an entire lifetime.
My greatest fear is wasting time and/or life.
Where am I going?
What am I doing?
one letter difference life - lie.
As I'm writing this, Al Pacino, in the movie Heat screams "Don't waste my motherfucking time" at someone. I repeat these words daily)
I catch a trace of her shampoo. I arch, squirm, stretch, and sigh. She's gone. I am not lonely. Of course I miss her. This thought traces other thoughts of how the way certain smells people have; lotions, perfumes, shampoos, etc, can crush you and make your heart ache.
I write when I cannot sleep. What else can I do? Right now, I almost wish I had weird computer or video games, but I swear on all I know that they mess you up.
I think about sanity a lot. Brad Pitt's character from the movie se7en starts asking me if I know how insane I am. No.
I keep thinking that things will work out and that I am well taken care of, if I can just wait it out, take care of a few responsibilities and obligations and stay optimistic. and it does.
you have to lose to win.
while spring and summer seem to have been pretty rotten, autumn has been good to me this year. letting everything fall into place, back on course. for what? success, of course - in terms of being able to stand on my own and be as happy as I can possibly be. Winter promises it will be even better.
I keep wanting to just roll over, turn the light off, pull the blankets over my head, curl up, and just let go. I can't. I know it will be futile, in vain.
I am ready to rock out.
these thoughts are far from complete or being resolved)
***
this was a gift I gave you.
I don't have any answers. I miss the innocence. I miss the friendships. but at the same time, you turn a corner and hear the things said about you, when you are not around. It's sickening. We're not even friends anymore and I don't want to be; only in your absence am I able to see clearly.
Chances are this will be misunderstood, no specifics, just abstract thoughts. I think my friends are better than they really are. I counted on too many people and things far too much. I am not putting anyone down, just moving on. such is the process.
this is not about you.
It would be foolish of me not to mention Sara, John McCormick, and even Byron for in the very least providing the ears, encouragement, advice, and or understanding, in the last few months.
I owe some of you an apology and wish you all the best of luck.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Issue #5
Issue 5 - sacrifice - came out September 1999.
I've noticed a pattern of great things happening in my life every year September - October and then in March-April. Of course good things happen outside of that, but generally I'm at my peaks during these times. The covers of this issue had glow in the dark, silver, and black ink.
This was the issue I finally learned how to spell weird correctly, which I completely overused.
I like a couple of my short little rant/aphorisms/whatever so I include those now, but the main focus of this issue was the tour Dead Letter Auction, Cataract Falls, and Ramona and Beezus went on together. It was pretty nuts and very ill fated. Looking back, I have very fond memories despite all this. We were a bunch of silly boys getting in the van for what was supposed to be a long tour. We had done short ones here and there, but in no way were we prepared for this. We had no peers to ask, and no idea what lay ahead. Again so much not documented. the rant about the hidden chord is awesome; I remember at the time being really upset about that, even though now I somewhat agree with what they were saying (in few instances). At the time, the shape of our community, I felt it was truly inappropriate. Young and naive, especially the scene after the Goleta show. I still have issues with that, but I'm not as mean or hostile about it.
Overall so much anger and negativity, I shake my head at this person that wrote this account, but there is humor in this telling, I think I wanted it to be more funny than it comes across as.
*** page 3
it's been noticed that I repeat myself. there is purpose.
I think words can heal. I've been looking for so long to find the words to say I hate you, I forgive you, to say thank you, and/or I love you, or even to explain the most basic of things.
For so long I thought I knew, but now I see it's the things not said, the silent agreements.
Potency exists within these words; a sense of urgency; almost desperate, but only because I am impatient. And still I wait.
I am a child full of questions, full of hope. so much to learn, so much to unlearn.
This is a journey not meant to be taken alone, but time and time again our eyes don't meet, our hands don't fold together and too much is misunderstood.
***
page 4
it's repeated. it's repeated. it's repeated. it's repeated. it's repeated. it's repeated.
***
"For the moment I can think of nothing - except that I am a sentient being stabbed by the miracle of these waters that reflect a forgotten world. All along the banks the trees lean heavily over the tarnished mirror; when the wind rises and fills them with a rustling murmur they will shed a few tears and shiver as the water swirls by. I am suffocated by it. No one to whom I can communicate even a fraction of my feelings..." - Henry Miller - The Tropic of Cancer
"Did those who lived in past ages lie sleepless as I do tonight longing for my beloved?" - Hito Maro late 7th Century.
***
tour
Touring, being in a band is a privilege. I think it's overlooked by many people in our position.
I know that there are many people who would love to be able to do these things, even within this scene; therefore, no matter how much I personally lose or how much we lose as a collective, or whatever sort of bad luck may fall upon us, I cannot and will not get too upset about it. Besides, these moments last lifetimes.
On the same level there is a lot of work involved, a lot of pressure, a lot of stress. A lot of sacrifice. It's draining. And so I have to say, if you want something, it's up to you (how often we lose sight of this). So what if you fail, at least you tried and not perished in vain, in wonder.
With that said, this is somewhat of an account of the Dead Letter Auction, Cataract falls, and Ramona and Beezus tour.
Thursday, May 13, 1999
Ft Wayne, IN @ the back door.
Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction, Ramona and Beezus.
Sort of our kick off show I guess. We don't leave until sunday morning though, which if I had known far enough in advance I would have moved this show to Saturday night. But it's too late now, so whatever.
To me it's completely unbelievable that people come out to see us play. It's so cool. To see some of their faces almost every time is so awesome. I wonder if I do my part in return for those that do make it out. I should tell them sometime, but I feel like such a dork and usually end up saying something completely wrong. Like tonight I was trying to explain a song and what came out and what I meant were completely opposite. I think Jarod was the only one to hear what I said. Luckily. Hopefully.
I think all the bands played and sounded good tonight. Jarod and I played with Ramona and Beezus on Dramarama's "Anything, Anything" - it was weird. It's funny watching Jarod play drums, it has a cute like quality to it. Chris and I used to play that song back when we were in high school, ages ago, of course! It was weird to play with him like that again; I mean I know he plays drums in Cataract Falls, but that's so different. It's like a flashback, which makes it hard not to get nostalgic of those days.
This was our (Dead Letter Auction's) first show with Bryan, our second bass player. Nick, who was our first bass player was here. That was weird, it was the first time I had run into him since he quit. We made up, sorta. The thing that made me get weird about the whole thing is he asked if I wanted to use his speaker cabinet while we were on tour, I said "sure" of course. But then he took it without saying another word. Weird, but cool, whatever, you know.
Sunday, May 16, 1999
Chicago, IL @ the Fireside Bowl
Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction, Rom, Jumping Bomb Angel, Lazarus Plot
I made jokes of punk rock fantasy #xxx: playing at the Fireside. Ha! It was my first time there, and for as much hype as the place has, you'd think it would be a lot cooler than it is, oh well. Not to say it isn't cool, but I had higher expectations.
Five kids came up from Fort Wayne. Which is so cool. Byron, Josh, Chris (Pownall), and Caroline came up in Caroline's car. Derek rode in the van with us.
Both bands were pretty sloppy tonight. Cataract Falls more so, of course. I think the stage sound was crappy, but everyone insisted we sounded good. The other bands overall sounded good, so I'm assuming they're not just trying to give us words of encouragement - but still there was something weird about tonight.
I bought a brand new SG on Friday and hadn't really had the time to play it, so this was the first time I ever played it. It's an SG alright. It feels a little different. I like it, the roller bridge I had put on it is really cool too, and should help me from breaking strings as often.
We stayed at Derek's apartment he has up there. He was going to Columbia for film classes. I guess he's going to stay in Fort Wayne next year, which is cool. He's working on a movie, it sounds cool, kind of like a TROMA type funny horror movie. I'm pretty excited about it. I'd like to work with him on that video project I had thought about doing.
Byron, Josh, and I walked down to Lake Michigan from Derek's. It was cool. Not a lot said, but it wasn't one of those awkward silences. There is a lot of cool graffiti and carvings: Mr. Peanut! and weird Aztec looking carvings. On the way back we saw this car completely smashed up under a bridge. We couldn't figure out exactly how it got to it's current position and in the shape it was in and what had caused it.
Derek gave us a lot of canned food to take: beans, corn, peas, and pie filling! It was awesome! I didn't take any which I know I will probably regret later, sorta. I say sorta because somehow in my thought process I came to thinking that being on tour means sacrificing a lot of things to some extent. It's a weird thing, I know, but that's just how it goes in my head.
Monday, May 17th 1999
It's Chris's birthday! He's 21 now.
We left Derek's at 8am. it's now 10:30 am and we're getting the driver's side rear tire's brakes fixed. Shit, first problem already?
It's not as bad as the Cataract Falls tour where our van blew up 40 miles away from home and then spent 3 days and $400 on an engine that would only get us another few hundred miles, and not even out of the state.
As we were driving through North Chicago, there was a weird bang-type noise from under the van. Funny smells and smoke from above mentioned tire. In my brilliance I said, "if you drive fast enough the smoke goes away!" Jokingly, more like wishful thinking that it would somehow magically fix itself, yeah right!!!
We were back on the road at about 1pm. We lost $211 from that. I'm sure we could have fixed that for $50 if we knew how. Next year we should bring a more mechanically inclined person with us, the would be the smart and cool thing to do, so we probably won't.
Tuesday, May 18, 1999
Minneapolis, MN @ Castle Danger
Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction, The Ending Again, and the Hidden Chord.
The show took place in a store turned into a house. It was an amazingly cool space, though it was very hot due to poor circulation.
Both of the other bands were very rock oriented. Is this the new big thing? I hope not. Adam Lewis is in the Ending Again. I really like watching him play drums and miss playing with him (he played with me and Jarod in a band called A photograph to remember you by). The Hidden Chord are a bunch of stupid assholes and their band sucks. They said a lot of derogatory statements directed at us. Like "nobody cares about your opinions" and "don't you hate how bands explain their songs and then scream the lyrics so you can't understand them." The circumstances got to me a bit, not because they were saying this about us, but about half or more of the d.i.y. scene. Needless to say I will never carry any of their, or even their previous, or future bands releases in the record shop I work in. Very much like a boycott. Still riding that ex-members crap. Ordination of Aaron was so long ago anyway.
A lot of people came to the show in Star Wars attire and left after the show was over to go see the premier of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace!!!
Wednesday, May 19, 1999
Rapid City, South Dakota @ Old Story Book Island Park Pavilion
Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction, Mike Ray
Last night I had difficulty sleeping. When I was driving it was really hard to keep my eyes open, they would get really heavy. But then I would go up in the loft and be wide awake. It's always like that.
We went to the bad lands and wore ourselves out. It was awesome. We were running all over and being crazy, climbing everything.
We stopped at Wall Drug and it sucked. Dumb as shit. It's a stupid flea market for brother's fucking their cousins and sisters - that's so awful, but you know you've had those thoughts too, and you know what I mean.
A strange town, Rapid City is.
The show got moved from a house to a park. I guess the kids who were going to have it at their house had a run in with the local law enforcement, I wasn't too clear on why or how, but I think they were posting fliers on telephone polls. At least they were posting fliers! It's cool they moved the show to a park and not cancelled it and all, but I really hate outdoor shows, they just don't seem to work all the well - the way the sound isn't contained at all, etc...
The exhaustion from running through the badlands really showed in the sets tonight, but I still think we did alright.
There seem to be some really cool kids around here. Some of them were cool enough to hang out and talk with us for awhile. It began to sprinkle right after the show was over - good timing!
Jason Wade was there running around acting goofy as hell. A lot of people talk about how crazy he is and I enjoyed the Resin/Still Life split lp - so it was cool to put a face to the name. Kevin, the guy who set up the show is super awesome and we stayed at his place.
Overall things are going really well. I guess we have 5??!!????? days off. I don't know how that happened. AGGGHHHH I hate days off, and this many, agggh I'm going to hurt someone by the third day, I just know it, it will probably be myself, but the intentions are noted.
I guess wer're going to Denver then to Las Vegas, then on to Sacramento to pick up the tour. Money is tight and I've spent way too much of my own on gas, but hey someone's got to do it.
Friday, May 21, 1999
Denver, Colorado
Last night we stayed at the Red Rocks Amphitheater, but didn't know it when we got here though. The place was really cool, well what we could see of it, which wasn't much - it was really dark. We did see a sign warning of mountain lions and rattlesnakes, exciting!!! We slept in the van, in the parking lot. I had a real hard time sleeping, it sucked. so what else is new? When we woke up there were all of these people, cars, and buses all over the place. We eventually gathered that it was for the Columbine High School commencement. It was packed as all get out. I found it somewhat coincidental that I didn't attend my own commencement, but now I'm attending the Columbine graduation in the wake of what happened.
Through all of the confusion Bryan and I lost track of everyone else, so we took off and climbed the hill mountain behind the Amphitheater. It was an easy, yet strenuous climb. We kept saying, "We've come this far, let's keep on going," not realizing that the hill kept on growing while we climbed it. When we finally reached the top we saw the snow covered peaks of the Rockies. We were both amazed, the view was amazing. Everything looked really hazy. We didn't see any rattlesnakes or mountain lions as the signs had warned the previous night. (* I wrote the song "the View" on this mountain.)
I called Sonny, he couldn't get us on anymore shows, but we are going to stay with him and check out Bottlenekk, he also told me he would be at our San Diego show.
The mountains have proven to be very tough. I think we should try to avoid them as much as possible next year. Our van practically slows to a stop on some of the inclines. They are amazing though. On one of the longer inclinations we pulled over to let the van rest. We played in the snow and a snowball fight ensued, of course! Awesome, I put my shoes on without any socks, so of course tons of snow got inside my shoes. it was very sharp and at times would hurt.
Sunday, May 23, 1999
Las Vegas sucks, to say the least. Too many damned insects. It was so dumb, porn all over the streets. I do not like it one bit.
Coming here created some tension between all of us. Chris really wanted to go to some magical buffet that was like $12.95 a person. But the thing is, somewhere along the way he told us it was $3.95 a person and the price steadily increased as we got closer. At some point he added that it was $12.95 but it was buy one get one free. So when we finally get to Las Vegas he finds out that it was just $12.95 a person, no buy one get one free. Whatever. So then we walked all over trying to find something reasonable, as if reason exists in this town, and something vegan friendly. In the long run trying to find something made matters worse. I was already very irritable. Fuck this town. I did get to see Star Wars which also turned into a big ordeal. It made me mad as fuck, I don't even want to go there cause I will get pissed off about it. Star Wars was cool, but I'll have to see it again though.
We left the city without seeing it all lit up, which I guess is supposed to be one of the great things about Las Vegas. But I was glad to leave. This town is just representation of consumerism. And I hate it I hate it, I hate it. May it be struck by some crazy natural disaster that just completely annihilates it!
We drove for a real long time. We almost ran out of gas. We ended up having to stay the night in the parking lot of a gas station. We slept/waited eight hours for it to open.
We crossed into California in Mono County. It was weird, we half expected California to just look different, but it didn't. we weren't terribly disappointed or anything, I really can't pass judgement on what lies just outside the windows anyway.
Shit.
We got pulled over for holding up traffic!
The cop: "California State Law requires you to pull over if you are impeding more than 5 vehicles."
My license is expired, among other things, so John had to drive. He put the hat on that I was wearing, the driving hat. We passed the cop that pulled us over and he started following us again. John and I thought that we would get pulled over again because the cop may have thought that I was driving again. He eventually turned off somewhere.
Soon enough another cop was on our ass. We pulled in to a gas station to get gas. He drove on. We saw him come back the other way. We were at the gas station for about 10 minutes. As soon as we pulled out of that station, that cop is on our ass again. He pulls us over for a taillight being out. Something the first cop failed to mention to us. He walks to the van to tell us why he pulled us over then he asks John to step out of the vehicle. They talk for awhile, I saw them laughing in the rear-view, so I thought it be over in a matter of minutes. He comes back up to the van and said "Hey buddy" we all look at him like who the fuck are you calling buddy? "you in the yellow shirt" Jarod. Pulls him out. The first cop that pulled us over is now out there with John. Jarod and the officer talk. That gets over with then he pulls out Chris. I stepped out of the van for some reason, I think something flew out of the window. He yells at me to get back in the vehicle. Then he pulls me out. He asked me if I had any "guns, knives, razor blades, grenades, rocket launchers, or any nuclear devices." I laughed at him with a no! "I'm not kidding," he replies way too seriously. He tells me that he pulled me out because "your buddy" john "got nervous when I started talking to him, which tells me he's got something to hide or he don't like cops. do you know if he has a problem with the police, do you guys not like the police"
I wished I had said, "no they were an awful band" but I said, "not necessarily"
He dismisses me and I join John, Jarod, Chris, and police officer number one. Instantly we all start making fun of the cops. Pig one laughs along with us. Another police officer pulls up, but the other two wave him away. We all pretty much got asked the same ridiculous questions. We laughed at Bryan getting questioned by the officer. Highlights from each of the questioning sessions; He asked John what his scars are from. "They look like a knife fight, if I didn't know better I'd say they're from shooting up." Which any blind person could tell you that they were not from any of these, they actually came from an automobile accident, in case you were wondering.
When the "guns, rocket launcher" question was asked, we all laughed at him. I guess he yelled at Jarod and John when they laughed. "I'm serious, this isn't funny!" Yeah right.
He asked what Chris had under his hat, "I don't know, hair?"
"What's in your pockets?"
"I'm not sure, a highlighter, a pen?"
"What do you mean you don't know?"
and so on.
Anyway, so Bryan joins us and the cop asks to search our van. We found this amusing and said "sure!" What else were we going to say with out causing more of a problem. He comes out with a five pound bag of flour that Chris thought would be edible, which is almost as ridiculous as the cop asking, "What's this?!!!?"
We explode with laughter, "it's flour!"
He ends up confiscating some of our fireworks.
"California's a pretty dry state, we don't want you burning it down."
Why not? It would be a lot of fun.
He comes out five minutes later, "well it will take me forever to search this van, you can go."
We ended up coming away with a fix it ticket for the tail light.
I'm sure that the cops were just harassing us because they have nothing else to do. Through the whole fiasco, they ended up keeping the registration, which would have caused major problems later on.
We finally ended up in Chico. Ramona and Beezus played at The Blue Room. Black Heart Procession played too. That was so cool to find out. I really like Three Mile Pilot and knew that Pall was in Black Heart also. I hadn't heard anything prior to this show. I was REALLY impressed. All of the Black Heart fellas turned out to be super cool. They wanted us to play, but the club said we were too noisy. We had no place to stay and followed them to the place where they were staying. Pall slept in their van, and we all slept in ours. We brushed our teeth together and said good night.
Monday, May 24, 1999
Sacramento, CA @ the Loft
Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction, Smash Your Face (Japan)
We drove around Sacramento. Ended up at the mall to make phone calls and to try to escape the heat. It's one of those awkward silence kind of days between all of us. I don't like these sorts of days, it makes me want to kill the other kids and hire robots for musicians (just kidding). I don't understand what creates this tension, aghhhh!!!!
Sacramento is way too hot.
The show went pretty bad. 3!? people showed up. Both bands weren't all that great tonight either.
Meeting Scott Torguson was pretty cool. He told us a few stories. Smash Your Face from Japan was added today, they showed up and then a BUNCH of people show up. Whatever, they were fun.
We stayed at Scott's house. I got to see old videos of a Sinker and Current show and an Amber Inn show. That was cool. Scott also let us hear the Amber Inn CD that isn't out yet.
Tuesday, May 25, 1999
We were bored and filmed a rikki and playboy buddy lee video.
Ridiculous.
As we were leaving at around 2pm we saw Scott's roommate coming home, he gave us this funny look that was clearly, "you're just now leaving?"
I called Sonny and we left for the Bottlenekk/Ikonography warehouse.
We got to the space, it was really cool. It was exactly what Jarod and I have envisioned doing. Sonny told us that the Hail Mary guys are staying at his house tonight, so we would have to stay here, which is cool. We sorta hung out with Sonny talked a little, he was really nice. He said something like 14 people living here. Amazing. They were putting together the first Locust CD, amazing 3" CD in really awesome packaging. I could tell we were kinda getting in their way though, so I asked about Berkeley. He gave us directions to the record shops, and the college area that most college towns have.
We went into Berkeley, I really liked what I saw. I think I might like to live here someday, but I'm sure that it's just that whole thing where I have to learn to be satisfied with what I have and want the most difficult or impossible things, who knows? not me.
Sonny has got to be one of the nicest and coolest of people I have met.
We went back to the warehouse and sat on the couch in the living area. A guy was sitting there watching TV and I sat next to him. A few moments later he got up and left and I realized that it was the guitar player of one of my all time favorite bands, Portraits of Past. That was a moment for me that I wished I had recognized him a few minutes earlier and said something, even if I made a fool of myself.
Wednesday, May 26, 1999
Goleta, CA @ the Pickle Patch
Hailmary, Subtract to Zero and Cataract Falls and Dead Letter Auction split a set of 3 songs each. Steve Aoki recorded this show but never sent us the tape.
The Drive here was nuts. We took Highway 1, the coastal highway. We passed a Henry Miller museum in Big Sur!!!! I really wanted to go to, but there was no way we had time. I will go next year. Gas was as high as $2.55!!! what the fuck? I don't think we ever drove faster than 45 mph for like 3 hours. That seemed to really drag, despite the world outside our van. The view was amazing and worth it.
The show was alright. The place, is just an apartment, stunk like the worst B.O. and beer mixed together - so thick. Who cares how the bands played, that's not what this is about.
Mark (Hail Mary) gave me a little shit on that whole thing where Jarod called him at 3am or something, he seems to think it's my fault. I tried to explain to him that Neil Burke and Ken Prank! told me to call really late. I told him that I agree with him that three am is unreasonable, but I didn't make the call. I certainly didn't mean 3 am when I passed the information on to Jarod. It was funny to some extent.
Mark has got a mouth on him though. Which isn't a bad thing at all, but he got the rest of the boys upset with statements of "christian hardcore sucks and shouldn't be a part of hardcore." He also spoke of the evils of Tooth and Nail. I myself couldn't have agreed more.
After everyone left we had a pretty long drawn out conversation/argument about it. It was kinda stupid, and I'm not saying that just to dismiss it all. The discussion was cool to an extent. This was the first time of the tour that we actually conversed on something of some sort of social value, as a whole anyway. John, Chris, Jarod, and Bryan had points of "well you can't say who can and can't be into hardcore" which is very true and valid. I said my points of a lot of us came here to get away from that nonsense, we don't need bands/labels whatever trying to convert us, which is ultimately their goal. You also have to take into consideration the very oppressive nature of christianity and what hardcore is ultimately trying to accomplish, equality for everyone.
Which they threw back, "well christians need to be equal too."
This went on and on and nothing really came of it, the conversation evolved into a few other issues.
Thursday, May 27, 1999
We left from the Pickle Patch and went to Long Beach. Drove through L.A. not very exciting. We're staying at Deanna Winter's apartment. She's a friend of Jana's I guess. I met her once while she was in Fort Wayne. She's cool, so why not?
We got into Long Beach early and walked around. A lot of interesting people around here. John and Bryan went to the beach. Chris, Jarod, and I walked around some more.
Deanna was a sweetheart. She told us we could eat whatever we wanted. She basically let us take over her apartment while we were there.
Friday, May 28, 1999
We went to the beach, how exciting, well not really. It was a rather cloudy day.
Deanna left for the weekend and trusted us to watch her cat and apartment while we are here.
Saturday, May 29, 1999
Bryan broke the news to us that the van had got broken into. What a bunch of horseshit to have to wake up to. I went out to see all what got stolen. Personally I lost 2 guitars, an amp head, approximately 30 cds, a cd player, and more I'm sure. John and Jarod got their bikes stolen - why the hell they ever brought those things, I will never know. I decided it was time to head home. We will do the next two shows and cancel the rest.
Whoever did this drilled out the locks. Crazy!
We did the whole police report bullshit like they'll do anything about it. They didn't even come out, and gave us a case number all over the telephone.
It taught us a lesson in security for next time. Which is an important thing, from each experience learn in order to be prepared for the next time.
I called Jay to get directions, but he was out of town. Justin answered but I didn't recognize his voice, he sounded funny, he said he was beat. He invited us to lunch so I told him about the van getting broken into, I told him I wasn't sure how long it would take us to get down there either.
We packed our remaining belongings and shipped off to San Diego.
Saturday, May 29, 1999
San Diego, CA @ the Che Cafe (UCSD)
Hail Mary, Jenny Piccolo, Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction
We just went straight to the Che Cafe and walked around campus. nice place, some really cool views from certain areas.
Miguel was the first to show up. We talked for awhile. He was really cool, one of the nicest people we met on this tour. He forgot his keys, so he couldn't let us in.
The Che Cafe has a really nice garden that is worth the notation of.
Miguel told us we were the first band to ever help out with food preparation, which is ridiculous. There was a lot of great food, we stuffed ourselves. Amazing!
John and Jarod dressed as rikki rodeo and playboy buddy lee during Jenny Piccolo's set. Justin kept pinching rikki's ass cheeks that were hanging out of his hideous red thong.
the show was a lot of fun, but during our sets I could feel the weight of getting my stuff stolen and it made me feel defeated and burnt out instead of making me mad.
Everyone here was really cool for the most part.
Sunday, May 30, 1999
Albuquerque, NM @ Youth in Transaction
Fever Hot, (I prefer) Brand X, Roman Candle Choir, Cataract Falls, Dead Letter Auction
We left from the show and drove straight here.
Our alternator went out as soon as we got into Albuquerque. We barely made it to the venue. The van died in the alley in the back.
Great space, it's a shelter for homeless teenagers. I think this was the first show done here. Both bands played exceptionally well, and I was rather articulate (for me) when I spoke, which was really nice.
John and Bryan went to school with five kids from here. They all moved here from Battle Creek, MI. One of them, Gordie, is somewhat of a mechanic and he ended up replacing the alternator for us, which is awesome!
***
We were back on the road the next evening.
We drove straight home.
Somewhere in Illinois there was a major storm. I pulled off the highway to get gas and food. We were at the gas station for about 45 minutes.
As we pulled out the electricity went out at the gas station.
As soon as we were back on the highway, all traffic was stopped. We eventually found out that a tornado hit three miles ahead about 45 minutes ago! It over-turned two semis.
Later I found out that the storm killed at least one person. I can't help but wonder, what if...
After dropping everyone off, I went to my dad's house at about 7:30 am. That afternoon I was back to work at 4:30 - insane. I was beat but knew I had to get back to work right away.
and that's the end.
sort of.
Jarod drove the van to his grandparent's. On the way back, he got pulled over for expired plates. He had the correct registration (the plates got switched to my van), so the cops only gave him a ticket for having the wrong address on his license.
When he started it back up, the van started on fire.
The cops told Jarod to disregard the ticket issued, how kind.
Jarod thinks the fire started in the carburetor. Something I said that we needed to get fixed or cleaned since somewhere back in Chicago.
The van burnt to the ground.
Brian Fletcher and I drove to pick him up, we could smell the fire from the other side of the highway, miles away.
Jarod told me the junkyard wasn't even really interested in it, except for the tires, which ended up paying for the towing.
***
Touring is a lot of fun, except for the mishaps of course. It's a romantic idea and it seems to get put up on a higher level than it should be. It's like people fall in love with the idea, not the actuality. During the few weeks I took in the editing process I came across the following quote in Formula issue #5. It is an awesome zine, which is all about tour stories from a bunch of cool people.
"Being on tour is just surreal. You lose your mind the minute you get far enough from home that you can't walk back. You're stuck with these people that you're married to. It's this bizarre Wizard of Oz journey, that at the end of you just try to make sense of" - Katrina Ford
Even through all of the starving (for food or sleep), stress, and whatever else I would rather be on tour than in Fort Wayne.
Meeting all the people that I've listened to their bands records for a long time, it's kinda hard not to get somewhat star struck. Sometimes I wouldn't even realize who I was talking to or sitting next to until long after the fact. It's the experience of getting the chance to do these things that is important. It's so cool meeting and hanging out with these people, if even for only a second.
***
When I got home I felt weird for a long time.
Whatever.
I will leave it at that.
The simple notation of.
No explaining, it will end up getting lost in the mess of confusion.
Monday, January 21, 2008
A quick note - 1/21/08
I put up a few older things from issues 1-4.
most of that stuff needs to stay buried, but there is something in it all; the process of discovery, the searching. looking back, it was a searching for what is wrong with me, a cry for help even. A wanting to completely excise my demons. A lot of misdirected and confused emotions. We can chalk all that up to the cutting of the teeth, finding the voice, and learning of the ropes, etc.
There are a lot of good memories too.
Reading over the published parts from the tour journals I don't feel I paid enough gratitude to the boys I was traveling with, the things we did, the places we went, the shows, the experiences, and now wished I had. I was aware then, but took it for granted. There's so much lost, even though I know it's there and it's not exactly spelled outright. I don't know, I sorta look back on it all the same way I look back at the movie Stand By Me.
I just returned from Austin, TX where I got to spend some time with Chris. It was a last minute get away totally determined by a round trip flight from Continental for $43.50 and some frequent flier miles. I was freaking out and had to get out of NYC, away from the reminders. I found peace for the first time in weeks. At first I attributed that to reaching 30,000 feet, because that was the first time since January 5th I was able to breathe normally, not be completely panic stricken, I didn't feel like breaking down and my heart stopped hurting. I wondered if the altitude had anything to do with my attraction to high places, I mean aside from the views, I was beginning to think it has an impact on my mental state as well.
Last night I had a good conversation with my sister that part of it boils down to one of the main reasons I was attracted to punk rock etc, aside from the alienation, was the desire to save the world, but the best place to actually effect change is to start within yourself. not only think about what you're doing in terms of your choices, but to really figure your shit out because one person does effect so many people. The effects are sometimes not noticed immediately, but they are immeasurable. I have made mistakes recently that made that very apparent to me, I'm still fighting them now, but I am in the process. I'm struggling, and it's going to be a long battle, that much I am aware of, there are no quick easy fixes in these sorts of things.
I believe things happen for a reason. Looking back I wish I had done something sooner, but we can only change the direction we are headed; "We'll make it as far as we can see, and I can't close my eyes."
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