Ashes of Time Redux

Released in 2008, Ashes of Time Redux is Wong Kar-wai's revisiting of his 1994 film, Ashes of Time. There is some re-editing, restoration, re-recording of the dialogue, and additional soundtrack by Yo-Yo Ma. Like all of Wong's films, Ashes of Time explores the emotional interactions, the impact of lost love, and longing.
I am pretty sure Wong Kar-wai is one of my all time favorite directors. The film is set in ancient China, and is very loosely based on the Condor Trilogy; essentially a few shared characteristics and character names are as far as the similarities run. Wong has likened The Condor Trilogy to "a Chinese Lord of the Rings."
For me, it is impossible to imagine films such as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Hero, and/or House of Flying Daggers without Ashes of Time having been made.

Anyway, the point of this post isn't a review or analysis of the movie, or anything of the sort, but of course the monologues and dialogue (quotes).

"It is written in the Buddhist cannon: 'The flag is still. The wind is calm. It is the heart of man that is in turmoil."
"...the root of man's problem is memory. Without a past, everyday would be a new beginning."
"I long to be loved, yet only manage to hurt others."
"If love is a contest, I am not sure she is the winner. But I know for certain I've been a loser from the start."
"It's said memory is the root of man's troubles."
"I was born under the influence of a total eclipse. Love was destined to be out of reach."
"The more you try to forget, the better you'll remember. People say when you can't have what you want, the best you can do is not to forget."

The following are from an interview included on the DVD but fit in so well with the above expressed.
"The blossom will always be there, but the faces will change."
"Things change a lot and to revisit, is a very emotional thing."

it's funny how it's ok when your friends do it.

Herbert Marcuse

Tonight I am reading Herbert Marcuse's 5 Lectures, which I am borrowing from our dear friend, Jason Stopa.

I don't have the time, patience, nor the discipline to write up a full biography, so settle for this quick introduction to give some background and context, or do your own research.

Marcuse (July 19,1898 – July 29,1979) was a German Jewish philosopher and sociologist, a member of the Frankfurt School. He was also one of Angela Davis's professors at UCSD. (Angela also studied under Adorno in Frankfurt for a time, someday I'll look at her more closely). Marcuse is widely known for tying the theories of Freud with Marxism.

Herbert's Hippopotamus is an intensely engaging and inspiring, 1 hour 9 minute documentary that was made by UCSD film student, Paul Alexander Juutilainen in 1996. The film examines Marcuse at UCSD mainly from 1968 to 1969 - http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5311625903124176509 - which is also available for download if you notice the link on the left. There are a lot of interesting parts in this movie (ie, the interactions with Reagan are amazing, however did he become our president?), and I highly suggest it (of course). "Why... the visionary force of a youth movement had been over 70 years old"

here are two passages from Freedom and Freud's Theory of Instincts, that I found amazing.

pg 3.
"The irrationality of unfreedom is most crassly expressed in the intensified subjection of individuals to the enormous apparatus of production and distribution, in the de-privatization of free time, in the almost indistinguishable fusion of constructive and destructive social labor. And it is precisely this fusion that is the condition of the constantly increasing productivity and domination of nature which keeps individuals- or at least the majority of them in the advanced countries - living in increasing comfort. Thus irrationality becomes the form of social reason, becomes the rational universal. Psychologically - and that is all that concerns us here - the difference between domination and freedom is becoming smaller. The individual reproduces on the deepest level, in his instinctual structure, the values and behavior patterns that serve to maintain domination, while domination becomes increasingly less autonomous, less "personal," more objective and universal. What actually dominates is the economic, political, and cultural apparatus, which has become an indivisible unity constructed by social labor."

pg 9-10.
"Life is experienced as a struggle with one's self and the environment; it is suffered and won by conquests. Its substance is unpleasure, not pleasure. Happiness is a reward, relaxation, coincidence, a moment - in any case, not the goal of existence. That goal is rather labor. And labor is essentially alienated labor. Only in privileged situations does man work "for himself" in his occupation, does he satisfy his own needs, sublimated and unsublimated, in his occupation; normally he is busy all day long carrying out a prescribed social function while his self-fulfillment, if there is any, is limited to a scanty free time. The social structuring of time is patterned on the structuring of the instincts completed in childhood; only the limitation of Eros makes possible the limitation of free, that is, pleasurable time to a minimum deducted from full-time labor. And time, like existence itself, is divided into the primary content "alienated labor" and the secondary content "non-labor."
But the structuring of the instincts that dethrones the pleasure principle also makes possible ethics, which has become increasingly more decisive in the development of Western civilization."

I honestly intend on "unpacking" the above statements, as well as a better essay on Marcuse, someday, for now, it's there for you to do what you will with it.

Morrow CD out now!

Morrow CD out now!
Originally uploaded by
damianhade

Morrow lives in Bloomington, Indiana. In 2005, Morrow began as a singular project by Jarod Isenbarger and has since been working independently in the DIY scene. Emerging as a full band in May 2006, Morrow toured the Midwest and East Coast for one month with friends Burial Year and Future Ghosts. Now they are moving forward with a powerful first twelve-song full length—recorded by Mike Bridavsky at Russian Recording, mastered by Bob Weston at Chicago Mastering Service, and to be initially released by [excursions into the abyss].
Morrow is a conduit of the modern and classic. Invoking ancient forms while seeking to cut a musical path of their own, they arrive at a diverse, nuanced sound suffused with the new and familiar. With hearts neither black nor pure and having considered the gravity of their icons' melancholy teen spirits, some might say Morrow was born to run against the wind, up sugar mountain in search of an inner harvest that is the result of a great unraveling of their rock and roll tradition.
"Who will count the dead when there are no flies left? Who will count the rich man's gold?" Morrow's self-titled debut finds the band wrestling with questions of love, philosophy, religion, and politics. As adept as they are at communicating a world of, alienation, harsh truths, and the insidious in the mundane, the lyrics also point to the beauty and strength in our capacity for resilience, for reaching out to others in need of common comfort and protection, and perhaps ultimately in letting go of pain and loss. Sometimes the lyrics have a fictional lean, notably to Lovecraft.
This is dark, brooding, soulful rock and roll, switching elegantly from minor to major keys, and attracting enthusiasts of many genres. Morrow has enjoyed playing shows with artists across the rock spectrum—from Glorytellers to Ladyhawk to Nakatomi Plaza—and will continue to do so. Plans for 2009 include writing new songs and touring the East Coast in June and July.
For correspondence, booking, and a good time:
morrow.info@gmail.com | myspace.com/weatherprophets | excursionsintotheabyss.com/morrow/

the label is 13 years old, and we still haven't cut our teeth.

announcements are on the horizon.
I'll hint at them now due to excitement:

Morrow's full length should arrive hopefully by next week, I think I've been saying this for at least an entire month. when they actually arrive I will be finishing a lot of loose ends; press releases, setting up mailorder, getting review and retail copies out. it will be the first time in 6 years that I will be doing actual label work. the landscape of the music industry has changed greatly, I don't think it really matters all that much.

I have 2 more releases slated for the summer.
one is a split label release for the drowning with our anchors / peter & craig split 7". both these bands should not be unfamiliar to you. members of these bands are dear friends of mine, and more than likely, yours.

the other release is going to be a new record from one of my all time favorite bands. details are forthcoming.

the tribute comp (Dinosaur Jr's You're Living All Over Me) is after the above are taken care of. I still need one band to cover Raisans. I still question the misspellings.

I might be in a new band too.

outside of this, the economic landscape has also changed a great deal. Again, it's hard for me/us not to say I told you so, or even a flat out fuck you. The idealistic, hopeful side of me continues to draw parallels to past predictions (I intentionally not name them). I have hope to witness many of these theories to evolve beyond practice into a reality. Hope is a deficit. A lack. A projection. It is love. It is the me in you.

crossed gaps via bridges that we burnt.

1. what is mine has always been ours, so how do you tell my story (without you).
2. I stated the awkwardness of hearing "come as you are" followed by "pictures of you" (in public), and realized the succinct telling of a story as the idea escaped me.
3. It doesn't take any genuine-ality out of neither the telling, nor the awkwardness.
4. despite me telling my bestfriend these things (via text message (let's talk about alienation, shall we)), it is not solely about that individual, but the whole, the sum of the parts. (me+you+them=totality).
5. I still like lists.
6. this doesn't take any significance away from me expressing these thoughts to the intended individual; these things are larger than either of us. this is why we create the things that we do.
7. we are who we are. and we rebel.
8. non-related: you are an entire book in my story, whereas I am merely a minor footnote in a rather insignificant chapter in your story.

Paul Klee

Paul Klee
Originally uploaded by damianhade

Tentatively, I'm using the above image of a Paul Klee drawing for a record cover, but don't know what it's called, or anything about it for that matter. I'd really appreciate any information, so if you know something about it, let me know.

Paul Klee is one of my favorite artists and it came as no surprise that he was also a favorite artist of Walter Benjamin.

[The image is possibly going to be used for the upcoming Drowning With Our Anchors / Peter & Craig split 7"]

there's a fine line to these things, see. you're an ass's ass.

xxx

don't forget our time(s), even if it's just like this.

variations on a theme; Februaury 19, 2009

I would trade-in all my trophies for that one.

xxx

excerpts from "The People of Paper" (which was suggested to me by a dear friend) written by Salvador Plascencia:

"...rarely speaks of her and that's how most would want it. You don't want your lover speaking of the one before you, but you still look for some acknowledgment - evidence that the past has been dealt with, that the wounds suffered have been treated, that there is nothing festering, no remnants of love incubating." (p. 147)

"One day I will forgive you; until then there are scabs everywhere that you have touched me." (p. 167)

1968 revisited again

Originally uploaded by damianhade

I stole this from Lee Bender's blog

in other words...

It's not just merely a lack of reaction, but an understanding that it is pure impotence to make a noticeable impact; ignore change, this moment too will pass. Any action, or even thought, outside of this is purely egotistical masked behind a false sense of selflessness.

xxx

I am anxious for the apocalypse, I have been since the day I was born.

I'm bored, let's get married.

I'm sorry to make you aware of this, but when did you become so lame and defeated?

Hawaii.
Things are not worthwhile unless I come away with scars.

Nirvana - Milk It
I own my own pet virus
I get to pet and name her
Her milk is my shit
My shit is her milk

Nietzsche - The Will To Power - pg 548
The world... lives on itself: it's excrements are it's nourishment.

Me
Refuse is my Refuge

Oh My

Oh My
Originally uploaded by damianhade

Adventures with Alex.
Does this one really need a story?

a general update + some "rare" hellbender songs

so Alex moved in, and now that we're all situated, I don't think I've been this happy with house mates since I lived with Jarod and John in the Maumee house - after Betty and her cats left. We all like each other, hang out, and so on. I even get hugs and kisses semi-regularly. 2009 is going to kick 2008's ass.

I'm 5 classes away from being done with Autobiography - tonight not only did the plane that crashed into the Hudson River after encountering some birds, float all the way down from 50th street - and then was towed in to "shore" - which the towing was visible from the classroom, but we had a guest author tonight. I am genuinely impressed with her. I was a little worried after doing some independent research on her before class, but after her reading and talking to us then answering our questions, I fully back Felicia Sullivan. A heartbreaking story that I can definitely relate to on too many levels.


Yeah, so I've been on a big Hellbender and Milemarker kick since making that previous post about Milemarker at the Maumee house. So below are 4 rare songs - actually one of them is just the 7" rip of a song that is on Footprint of the American Chicken - but the other 3 are definitely alternate versions/recordings. Included is the live version of I, Thermostat that my sister, chris and I were in attendance in the small audience at 31g in Kalamazoo on August 31, 1996. In fact at the end of the song I can recognize my sister's clapping - it is that distinct to me - to be fair there were probably about 30 of us there total - including other bands, so in all likelihood only 10 of us were clapping, but still.

Hellbender - 4 songs

Other than that I've been writing emails to lots of people, and I'm trying to be a lot better about all of that. I'm trying to get back to actual letters, we'll see how this goes.

Just because I didn't mention it, doesn't mean I didn't notice and so on.

***

I have a lot of stuff I've been writing the passed few days, and I've been getting somewhere in my research that I've been working on (on what, I will not say, for a little while, at least).

I started a new class today, English 335 Autobiography - it's 3 weeks and rather intensive, in both the reading and the writing. I'm actually excited about it.
related - I still haven't received my German grade!!!!!???? Was ist los?

anyway, I'm being super reflective, considering it's been a year.

Milemarker

Milemarker - March 6, 1999 at the Maumee House (ten years ago!?!!!)
such a strange night.
More kids came through our front and side doors than any other night - I'd like to say combined, but that would be a flat out lie. Anyway, it was a lot of friends and strangers alike and it was a great, but albeit a short and awkward show.

Dave's (one of the singers and the guitar player) brother called me before they arrived, I am still unsure how he had my number, to inform me that Dave's Grandfather had passed away and I needed to tell Dave to come home immediately to be with the family.

Sometime later Milemarker pulled in and I had to be the messenger. I was a little bit unsure how to deliver the message, I would have been pretty upset by such news, and so I was even more awkward than I normally would have been.

I delivered the message and Dave was shaken, and had to figure out to get to a Kinko's to get on the internet - oh the days before internet was in every home. They played a rather short set. I was so stoked that I wanted to record their set, however I forgot to press record, and only captured the last 2 songs, they played a really short set as it was, I don't recall but it was probably about 20 minutes in total.
So these two songs (Battleship and Super Position) were recorded with 2 crappy microphones in our basement, but sound alright.

After the show Dave took off to the Kinko's and I attempted to interview the rest of Milemarker, but Al was more interested in hitting on one of my friends, Mary, and I wanted to keep the conversation light, in light of the message I had to deliver.
Al and I had gone back a few years, as I had seen Hellbender (of which he, and the drummer of Les Savy Fav were members of) on their first tour when I was in my early/mid teens in Findlay, Ohio - in fact I get confused if it was them or Laughing Hyenas that was my first show, as these two shows took place at the same venue within the same week. Chronology, whatever. Then I set up a show for Hellbender in Fort Wayne, I think in 1995, luckily for me Al called a few hours before the show and canceled as the venue backed out at the last minute, and I didn't know what I was doing yet. I also distributed their records to friends at lunch in high school, seeing as we didn't have a scene or shows to sell them at. Al and I also exchanged a few letters and phone calls. One time one of my checks bounced when I bought some records to distro. I saw Hellbender one other time in Kalamazoo, MI (which a live recording of I, Thermostat was on a comp). My sister, Chris (Lawhorn) and I drove up for that show, and picked up some kids that were lost looking for the venue that was named 31g. I saw quite a few good shows at that venue. And one last interaction between Al and I was when Cataract Falls played a show in Bloomington, IN the spring of 1998, and we were lost, so we drove by the house we had played previously the year before and there was Al sitting in the driveway. I was super fucking confused and asked him what we was doing there, and how strange to run into him, his new band, Milemarker was playing a show at that house. So we played our show and I ran across town to catch their set while the other members (james (had replaced stacey) and chris) slept from exhaustion. I was blown away. So I bought a few copies of their 7" to take home to give/sell to friends.
So a few months after this show/interview I picked up an issue of Punk Planet where Al was complaining about how people on the tour were not taking the band as serious as he wanted to, and sited our conversation in particular. Which resulted in some emails and he explained himself.

By far my most favorite of the shows we had (aside from the show Grapes of Wrath played and I rammed myself through a wall, and the last show we had when it was upstairs in the living room, instead of the confines of the basement). It was at this show that Al was the first person to compare DLA to 400 Years, and I thought that was a great compliment at the time. Other people would say it independently after this point as well.

Also, I hope you recognize that idiosyncratic trademarked yawn at the very end of the track Superposition.

Milemarker Live 3/6/99

last post of december/2008

I wanted to write a much more detailed post about the end of the year and all that this one entailed, which was a lot - but got distracted and decided I'd wait.

I sold the 8 track, and inherited a 4 track - so I started going through some of my tapes today.

I posted one song eddie and I recorded sometime in 2000/2001 on the message board.

then I got to the congress of the crow demo
I mean xcongressofthecrowx - we recorded 8 songs August 8, 2000. 8 - 8/8/∞
oh man. I haven't heard this since I mixed it back in August of 2000 (I'm assuming the same day that I recorded this on a 4 track).
unfortunately I lost the actual 4 track tape so we get the mixed down version, with tape warble and all.
the original cassette tape was 8 songs + the sample, which gets cut off on the tapes, but Jeremy insisted that we use it on the red heroine cd. I still don't know what movie it's from.
2 songs should be recognizable. and one other song is actually a "cover" (I don't know if that's really a cover, I wrote it) of a photograph to remember you by - the band Jarod, Jeremy, Adam and I were in at the end of 1997.

I remember recording these songs in my parent's basement, we would sneak all the equipment in while they were at work to practice and record, threaten my brother and sister not to tell on us and then leave. It worked for the entirety of the band.

Vocals were split up between the three of us, I'm mostly on the left and eddie and jeremy are mostly on the right, I think.

I couldn't scream that fast and I don't remember much of the lyrical content, so listening back to these, I am laughing at all of us!
Jeremy picked the song titles out from medical dictionaries. And for some reason put an Albert Camus quote in our linear notes - I'm pretty sure he's never read any Albert Camus outside of one-liners, and other quoted passages. "A profound thought is a constant process of becoming." which is actually a misquote as it should be - "A profound thought is in a constant process of becoming."

tracks 8+9 are from an earlier demo session/practice, I don't remember when it happened.
I don't know the song title to one song, and the other one Jeremy yells it out before we play it.
I don't really remember why or how it happened but by november we had recruited John Cheesebrew to sing for us, and resulted in the name change. I spoke of this in an earlier post. I think the practice space may have played a small part in this decision.

now that I think about it, it's possible the 8 songs were recorded on John McCormick's digital 8 track, but I don't think so - but that would explain why I don't have the original tracks/tapes - it's possible they are in my missing fire proof safe - which holds all the original recording sessions for a few bands, the test presses of all the records, and some other things, that I can't remember.

anyway, here's the demo + 2 bonus tracks.


I don't know why I haven't posted this before.
Dead Letter Auction recorded 5 songs in September 2003 with Mike Lust in Chicago at Phantom Manor.
We never released these songs, though they are floating around on the internets and stuff.
I think we didn't release them in part because Chris broke up the band again, by moving someplace silly - recording/engineering school in Phoenix, maybe? and then John got himself a family and all that - so we couldn't tour on the ep.
The bridge and the message were written with the intention of being on a split 7" with Ten Grand - that didn't happen because Matt passed away.
We wrote a few more songs and decided to record them all before Chris left us. Actually a part of the song [the Morrow] has a song that sounds an awful lot like a Ten Grand part (my guitar on the intro), and in part [the Mourning] was written for Matt, among other people and things. so this last ep was shaped very much by that.
all songs are titled with a "the" intentionally, with the last 4 being "the M_______" also intentionally.
these songs weren't exactly finished when we entered the studio. I didn't have the words written for one song, and the other I had never really sang, or even worked out the phrasing for the second half.
I love these songs a lot, and I think they showed a real promising direction that we were heading. Lyrics really sum up everything I was feeling at the time and was a perfect reflection of that specific moment as well as the band.

Dead Letter Auction - the Bridge

I found a bunch of old DLA things with some really interesting early versions of songs and such. I'm hoping to find some of the songs we didn't record in the studio. I found a tape from August 2001, I forgot that we actually had cancer of time, foreshadow, and excise written before we recorded vertigo. I knew foreshadow was that old, because the words "I want to see their buildings lay down" became an issue when 9/11 happened. anyway, these songs and things will probably get posted sometime next year.

also, I messed up January by posting 13 posts instead of just 1 -
and August I only posted 3 posts, instead of 8. but who's really counting?

last post of 2008.

what an interesting last couple of days.
I was stationed at a friend's, house/dog sitting. I watched a lot of movies and read The Cambridge Introduction to Foucault in one sitting. I'm really into this series, the Benjamin one was great and even covered some stuff I wasn't aware of. With Foucault, I'm at least familiar with all the works looked at, and enjoy having these shorter overviews. It did make me realize I need to re-read the History of Sexuality. I still standby my earlier disappointment in that it doesn't look at the ethical relationship in the other, or the partner, the emotional effects, and doesn't count for love all that much. Overall I think this reflects what I feel is just one of the selfish motivations Foucault had in writing The History of Sexuality, another being due to his sexual preference. I think I am becoming more and more disappointed in Foucault the more I look at him, and his delivery of ideas, critically. Mostly in the fact that he tends to make up a lot of his "facts" and seems to be self serving. Apparently he's more of a smartass than can be translated from French to English, which would be redeeming, however only slightly. I think, again, what attracts me to him, is his change at the end of his life, where he did become more interested in the ethics of the care of the self, an unfortunate death leads us to wonder where he would have gone with those ideas. His work is still very important, and very much needed, and did make many advancements in the fields of social science and thought. I don't mean to focus on the negative here, as he is a major influence, and will continue to be so...

One of the movies I watched, Man on Wire, had music by Michael Nyman, and I was fairly disappointed with his recycling of themes, melodies, and parts of the Gattaca soundtrack, which I mentioned a few posts back. I was so taken by hearing the music that I had to pause the movie to look up who did the soundtrack, to confirm my suspicion. At first I thought it was really cool, but along the way got somewhat annoyed by what is nearly a remix of the songs. The movie looks at Philippe Petit, a tightrope walker and street performer, who tight rope walked the Twin Towers.

Friday night, a cab driver asked me where I was going, before I answered he said, wherever it is, I'll take you for $6. I was going home, and this was at least 1/2 of what it had been, I wasn't looking for a cab, but am always up for an adventure, something told me I'd be in for one. To further justify this, my metrocard had expired, so I would have had to buy a new one. I wish I wanted to go somewhere else, but after being stationed at the other house, I actually wanted to return, to shower, shave, sleep in my bed, see my things. Oddly enough, the cab driver had to be in my area to pick up his wife shortly, and had time to kill. He knew my neighborhood well, and I didn't have to give him directions - when I first moved out here, I didn't know how to get home, and the cab drivers would always get so mad at me. I now know how to get home from just about any point in the city and don't have to tell the drivers how to get there. Occasionally one will tell me a different way to get home, which is always useful. Anyway, this cab driver is Pastor Pete, and he says he's "Rolling for Jesus" in an attempt to get people out of the churches and in a meaningful relationship with God. He collects food from restaurants and bakeries and gives it to homeless people. He has had a few documentaries made about him, and had been in other movies as well. He gave me his number and told me to call him if I ever needed anything. I noticed a small camera on the windshield filming the backseat, but didn't inquire why, I assume it's for protection, and so on. He told me a few stories about how he's talked people from jumping off the bridge, "the bridge will be there in a month from now, let's talk about it, give me a month." and other things, including falling outs with people involved in one of the movies he was in - essentially a crazy jew out to make money - which made me laugh at his fake accent and stereotyping.

Saturday I saw the roadshow version of Che (the two films, The Argentine and Guerrilla) by Steven Soderbergh. It ran 4 hours and 17 minutes, with an intermission (during which I played phone tag) adding roughly 20 more minutes. Soderbergh was there in person the night before, had I known, I would have definitely gone to that one, but I would have missed out on the cab ride. The movie was amazing, of course. Benicio again turns in an amazing performance, easily one of the best actors of all time, not just in his acting, but what he brings to the movies in terms of ideas and how he shapes the movie. I make note of the car chase scene in Way of the Gun, as that was his idea, and wasn't in the script. The two movies serve as a dichotomy of the success of the Cuban Revolution and the failure of his time in Bolivia - which led to his execution. I highly recommend seeing them both. I have an extra program if anyone is interested. It's really just the credits and some photos/stills from the movie. The roadshow version didn't include credits, I'm assuming to cut down on time.

at some point in the night, KXLU broadcast Drowning With Our Anchors and Portraits of Past playing from The Smell. It was the first remote broadcast, and there were some issues with the streaming. Both bands certainly didn't turn in their best sets, and the whole reason I was excited to hear the show was at the prospect of the possibility of hearing new songs. Drowning didn't play any new songs, and KXLU had a change of program, so the broadcast was cut short, and the listeners didn't hear all of the Portraits of Past set. I recorded it, but it's unlistenable, with the stuttering stream, and the audio mix.

Now it's Sunday, I'm about to go ice skating with the girl I babysat fall 2007- spring 2008, which ended due to her moving to Kansas. It's currently 64 and grey, how I recall the weather being most of the time we spent together, so it's fitting.

Also in closing, I want to leave with 2 notes one on the successful student sit in at the New School - which you can read about here - www.newschoolinexile.com -
and lastly, in the Cambridge Introduction to Michel Foucault, Lisa Downings refers to a passage by Nietzsche in which she says he plays the part of evangelist, turning the tables on Christians using their method of "fire and brimstone" to deliver the following:
"I call Christianity the one great curse, the one great innermost corruption, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means is poisonous, stealthy, subterranean, small enough - I call it the one immortal blemish of mankind." - Nietzsche - The Antichrist - [pg 656 - The Portable Nietzsche].
I am not sure if I agree with her, as that being his intention, of if he actually meant it, either way, I mean it wholeheartedly.

the end of the semester is (almost) here

...I just have to turn some stuff in at 9am tomorrow. I'm probably going to stay up. Then I have my German final on Tuesday - seemingly very late, considering the next day is Christmas eve. Only one class has been posted so far, and I got an A, not an A-, so that's at least 2. I was terrible this semester and didn't really deserve those 2 A's. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get A's in the other classes, but I was expecting that, we'll see sometime next week or so.

Now it's time to look for a new job, and clean and organize my room again. Hopefully work on some things I haven't had time to do, I'll use the due to school excuse, but there's really no reason I can't handle school, work, extracurricular studies, bands, AND hanging out, but I sometimes don't even get out of bed, because I am overwhelmed with just the prospect of getting dressed. I am extremely anxious for the departure of current roommates and the arrival of the new ones. I am going to finally have a party after Alex arrives.

I bought my tickets for Hawaii, I'll be there February 4-8th. It was only $400 round trip, and yes it's short, but I don't want to miss a lot of school like I did at the start of this semester with our reunion shows and the visitors and all. I think I'm going to Vegas the 12th-16th (also in February) cause I have a break, it really depends on a job. I'm thinking about spring break already. It's kinda long, April 8-April 19th (the 20th being Monday + my birthday), I don't know what I want to do. I'd like to spend time with friends again, but I should probably work as much as I can so I can have more money to spend in Japan on sake.

No summer classes. I am not doing the Berlin program after all. So that means I'll be working in New Hampshire in August, and then I start on my teaching degree at Hunter, barring some major change in plans, or what have you.

New bands still haven't done anything due to cancellations and schedule conflicts. At some point in the winter/early spring Jarod is coming to NYC and we're recording Tarpit for the comp. I'd like him to play on Kracked with me as well, but we'll see. I have some pretty cool artwork ideas for it that are based on Maura Jaspers original cover for "you're living all over me" - I only need two more songs, and I have 2 bands that haven't officially committed to it yet, so I hope they end up saying yes and agreeing to those songs. I'm pretty excited about this. Actually, in label news, I haven't heard from Jarod in a while, so I don't know what the deal is. We wanted to have Morrow's record out by now. I was discussing with jmc that I think it was silly of me to relaunch the site when I did, and it was an impulsive decision. Maybe I'll spend some time on that in between now and the end of January.

I'm going to go read books I don't really understand.

everyone loves a good redscare

for some reason, I got distracted last night and eventually found myself reading comments posted in response to news items on cnn.com. I would say in the 80% range of all posts, there are huge grammatical mistakes (I know, who am I to speak of such things, I am well aware of my own), completely uneducated rants, people still holding on to dead ideas that are obviously not working, desperate attempts to get in touch with people for jobs, or just to be heard. All of this is heartbreaking and leaves me feeling hopeless and depressed. It makes me want to set fire to almost all of these individuals, one in particular blamed the failing of "the big three" automakers on a lack of patriotism: "buy American" - I wonder if he realized that they import more parts from foreign countries than toyota or honda do, so in fact it doesn't matter who you are buying from. Never mind the fact that we are a global community etc, and that this situation is affecting the entire world, not just Americans. Ignore that the American Way is the cause of this mess. It is the American influence on these other countries that is also the impetus of a world collapse.

I am slightly intrigued, perhaps even obsessed by the year 1968. At a future time I will explore this further. The civil right's movement, Black Panthers, the RAF, the SDS, student and workers revolts all over the entire world, Kommune 1, the environmental movement, the Weather Underground (though they began in 1969, however they embody the spirit of '68), and so on. What happened? Where has that level of involvement gone? Is it a matter of intelligence, time, care, selfishness, or what? I keep coming back to my naive 14 year old self, the brink of discovery of the more political punk, the believing in the revolution.

again, I will return someday to expand or come as close to completion as I can.

Degas to Mallarmè

Edgar Degas: "What a task!... I've spent the whole day long on one of these blessed sonnets and I've made no progress whatsoever... And yet I'm hardly lacking in ideas... I'm quite full of them... I've got too many in fact."

Stéphane Mallarmé: "But my dear Degas, one does not make poetry out of ideas, but out of words."

New Year's Resolution

Stop living life and doing things as if it were a demo.
Some mistakes can never be recovered, more often than not, there are no do overs. So, make it count.
"Each step forward is the last, and with it a world dies - one's self included..."

Despite redemption being a major precept of Judaism, and most Abrahamic based religions, even further, common sense and forgiveness, we are stubborn, not easily able to forget.

I find that I have approached nearly every thing I have ever done as something I will return to to make better or right, or to expand the endeavor at another point in time. To count on an uncertainty.
I am all intention left unsatisfied.

News

the first thing I heard from the TV while back home is military enrollment is on the rise.

And I'm back

Still sick, or it came back from not sleeping and didn't improve, also from not sleeping.

The train ride was amazing. I met Dan at NY's Penn Station, he puts me on a train heading to Trenton, "hey, he's going to Trenton" "ok here's a ticket" "see ya!" [That's how far the free train ride goes, from there it's $9 to 30th/Market Street Station.]

Less than 2 hours later, I'm in Philadelphia in the company of a dear friend, who does amazing work for addressing public education on Africa, the quality of life for African immigrants, as well as all of Africa, among other things. She makes me so proud, because while the rest of us complain and theorize, (or write songs), about the injustices in the world, she is actually doing something that can be measured. Interesting to note, that Africa is a continent, with many countries and diverse cultures yet "African Studies" is an umbrella that covers all of our view of Africa, while every other culture is divided into smaller and more specific regions, she is working to directly change that.

10 hours later, we're back in Ft Wayne. The drive, we talked the entire time, we had a lot to catch up on since we saw each other in August. It was great until the last hour. She started getting delirious, biting the steering wheel, and so on. We arrive at her parents house, and crashed for a few minutes.

We arrive at the funeral. Chris gave Stasia a hug, solemn, beautiful, sweet. He didn't know I was coming, and I wasn't sure what the appropriate thing to do is, do you surprise your friend at his mom's funeral? He hugs me and loses it, which makes me lose it. We're crying, and he manages to get out, "I love you man.... see I'm not a robot" and I cried harder and laughed. The sweetest thing ever. Christopher hardly ever gets upset, so much so that a long running joke is he's a robot with no emotion, and that certain normal emotional responses are outside of his programming. Does not compute, and so on. The service was nice and I learned a lot about Chris's family, that I didn't know. John (Mc), Anastasia and I spend the rest of the day with Chris.

Friday we met John, Lindsay, and Finn! at Old Crown - so many of my friends and roommates have worked there. I met Finn last May (also at old crown) not too long after he was born. It's amazing how fast kids grow and change. He's walking and talking, I'm blown away. Sara was there, Fran came in to meet up with us and Sarah Jane was there with her son Cash, also about the same age as Finn. Lyndsey Rae works there now too. We did a little shopping at the other stores in the strip. Sara, Stasia and I went to Sara's to see her new apartment. It's awesome. She has the best decorating skills out of all of my friends combined (John and Lindsay are excluded from the combination, cause they rule too) and am kinda jealous she didn't have these skills when we lived together. I take comfort in the fact she and I will always remain friends, I'll probably always tease her about a lot of things, but it's nice to know we're close after all that time we spent and all that was involved. From there the three of us went to meet up with John and Ian McCormick at Park Edelweisse, a German club out on the south side of town. It's awesome. Cheap German Beer and just a bunch of German heritage. Fort Wayne has a huge German population, until 1942 or so the papers and street signs were in both German and English. We hung out listened to some German songs. Ian is amazingly big. I haven't seen him in so long, hardly the boy that fronted Skullyard when he was 12.
Then we met up with everyone at Baan Thai. I miss Fort Wayne's restaurants so much. The quality is so much better than most places in New York. Especially in Baan Thai, Taj Mahal, and a few others. After dinner everyone but Chris and Jacqui headed to State Bar and Grill. Andy Manes is sitting at the bar, haven't seen him since 1996. I explained why I was in town, and he said, yeah I'm in town visiting too. which is a lie, he lives there. I don't understand the need to lie. It's cool. A lot of my friends have stayed. They're awesome too.
After that we went to John and Lindsay's house. Stayed up really late, catching up, shooting the shit, and so on.
Saturday was insanely busy. Went to Hyde Brothers bought some books. Had lunch with Sara and Leah. Dropped Sara off at one of her billion jobs - Went to Jeremy's and visited with him and Heaven. She's almost 9 years old now!? Went to see my sister at work. Right, this is why I left - all these fat assholes at the mall. Stacey is seemingly even taller and even skinnier than ever. She's super busy, we make plans that don't come to fruition.
After that I went to the Marriott to visit an old boss, he still wants me to move back just to work for him. no way. Sara's mom came in and we talked. I love that woman more and more as time passes, she's pretty awesome.
I made the trek out to my Aunt Jenny's where they were having a party. I come in and my Dad comes up from the lower level - he looks a lot better than the last time I had seen him - but I'm a few steps above him and he's confused that I'm taller than him. "no you dummy, I'm on a few steps above you" I walk down and I get a standing ovation from my family and am ambushed with questions - I don't think they realize I haven't spoken to my dad since January and this was a lot to take in. Before I know it, my Dad's phone is ringing, he told my brother I was going to be there, so he called from jail and I spent 29 minutes out in the cold trying not to be mean to him. I come back in, and the questions start back up. I sternly said, "give me a minute." Awkward silence. I felt guilty. The party noise rises back up. Dad makes inappropriate comments. Sara calls and says she's done with work two hours early. I make an exit. Stop at my Grandpa's which I think ended up being the highlight of my trip home.
My Grandpa is a quiet man. Grandma passed away right before I moved here. I'm soft spoken. My Grandpa is hard of hearing. Awesome combination. We talk for awhile. "I don't know, maybe I'm wrong Damian, but how much is $700 billion dollars per person? Now the government would tax that so much, they wouldn't really be losing all that much, in comparison to bailing out all these big corporations that continue to do more of the same. Well that would fix this whole mess. I mean, maybe I'm missing something, but..." YES! Where did the rest of the family go wrong?
Sara calls and it's time for me to go. I part regrettably, and promise to see him this summer at the lake.
Pick up Sara, get dropped off at Stasia's. We go through the basement and walk away with way awesome stuff. Books, maps, stuff I'll use when I start teaching. And there's WAY more where that came from, and I'm welcome to come back to get some more.
Sunday get up, Stasia's mom packed all kinds of food for both of us. and we're off.
Back in Philly, I meet up with Jessica for dinner. Dan is at Jessica's, I hang out for a few with everyone. Dan takes me to the train in Trenton. Back in New York, I panicked in the cab ride when I couldn't find my wallet. Luckily it was only $20 which I had in my pocket. I arrive home a little after 2am. I found my wallet in the coat pocket I checked 325 times on the way home in the cab. I unpack. Exhausted sick, I fall asleep - instead of preparing for finals. I dream of things, including writing a letter to Dina, which I find really weird, telling, frustrating, a little sad, and mostly embarrassing. A few months ago, a great change occurred in me where I came to some realizations, which at some point I'll be able to articulate, until then, the way I find my dream is the way I find the entire situation. I wake up hallucinating that there are people in my room and I panic until my eyes adjust to the darkness and realize it's just piles of books, cds, and so on. I fall back asleep, oversleep, miss my last actual class for Child Development and Observation. And here is where I am. I should be studying. Here I go.

I'm still awake

Wednesday 5:23 am
I'm just getting over being sick, so it figures that I can't sleep/rest. I didn't want to take any sleeping aids, cause that makes it really hard for me to get up in the morning and I have a class that starts at 10am. After that, I have a lot of errands to do before I leave. I am looking forward to the ride with Anastasia, we have LOTS to talk about.
It'll be weird, I haven't been in Fort Wayne since May 2007 and that was fairly brief, during the Drowning With Our Anchors tour. I was a different person then. I can't remember the exact amount of time, it seems so long ago - as I write this, specific moments flash and it seems like it happened earlier this evening. A dear friend had just had a baby. This above all hits me the hardest, in terms of time passing by - those first 2 years. I remember Joel, how I was with him nearly everyday for his first 2 years of life. Amazing all that I learned about children. All that I taught him how to do - from walking to reading - and in turn all the things I learned. And all the things I've learned since then makes me anxious for the next opportunity to be that involved with a child.

I hope Nick can fit me in to get some work done. I've had 2 tattoos I've wanted him specifically to do for a long time, one for at least 5 years, and another since right after I saw him back in May when we all got the bone anchor tattoo. I didn't get the other one cause I didn't have the exact artwork with me, and didn't want to settle for something close enough. Now I have it and something relatively new I made up.

oh PJ sings to me "This is kind of about you - This is kind of about me - We just kind of lost our way - But we were looking to be free" - big exhales and sighs and nods of agreement.

I draw parallels with everything...
This is nonsense - at least I can recognize it as such.
I wonder if you're/who is still reading this.

Yesterday, I saw this homeless man stopped on the stairs, desperately trying to make eye contact with anyone that passed him. He looked like a lost child. It was towards the end of rush hour, so it was rather busy. This seems like it should have been easy for him. I noticed everyone that approached him, look down, an attempt to avoid him at all cost. He just kept looking, wanting to be acknowledged by anyone at all. This was all innocently done, and not in an aggressive manner. This all happened in a split second, but easily ten people ignored him. I decided to not only look him in the eye, but also smile at him as I passed by on the stairs - his entire face lit up with a sweet lonely old man smile that could melt the coldest of hearts. Recognition. He continued on his way. I on mine.

This all somehow reminded me of a boy barely above [my] knee height that I noticed a few days ago [I remind you, I'm rather short, so this boy was tiny]. He came running out of the subway exit, to the street level, and he starts trying to kick the three pigeons that were around. Right on dude! I liked him and gave him a thumbs up. I don't think his mom was too pleased with me encouraging this behavior. I got the look, you know the one.

Now imagine if I spent this much effort on all the homework I have to do.

and speaking of home

I am going back to Indiana to be with our dear friend Chris (P). His mother unexpectedly passed away. She was amazingly supportive of everything Chris did, and since he and I did quite a few things together, she supported things we did. This is what I was getting at in the previous post. Chris is too good of a friend, and we've been through a lot, too much for me not to be there, no matter what it will cost my GPA this semester.

I got lucky with Dan working for the train line from Philly to NYC and back - free rides - both ways. Then Anastasia is driving from there. Most of my professors are actually having study days the last half of this week, except for German - which of course is the class I'm not doing so well in - so I'm not missing too much. Except I have a lot to do for my Child Observation class - yikes!

It's funny, cause this trip comes at an interesting time. I've been contemplating moving back the last couple of weeks. But things are about to get a lot better here. And I have a good variety of groups I interact with - especially in the more intellectual department - that sort of thing simply does not exist back home. And I NEED that, as much as I need people to bounce creative ideas off of - I've yet to find anything remotely close to the level Jarod and I worked at - I was reminded of this a few times this year - when I went to visit for my birthday and we finished up a lot of his artwork for his senior show. And then again, during our reunion shows. He keeps telling me he's moving here, and every time it's farther into the future. Another reality in another time another place. The reason I had been thinking about it is due to me wanting to be nearer friends and their changes - having kids being one of the biggest things and not getting to be a part of that. For a second I missed my family until I informed them that I am coming home, and remembered why I need my space from them, not just emotionally, but also politically, intellectually, and socially.

Things are about to get better because friends of mine are about to move in. I am so looking forward to living with good people again. it's been a long time. No more shitty roommates!!!! Ever again, I won't do it. Nicole rules and I know Natalie and Alex rule a lot. It's hard to believe they are both moving from warmer climates in the middle of the coldest point in the year.

Things are winding down with the semester and I feel the weight peeling off.
I only have 2 weeks break til I start back up again.

debating

this isn't the place, but know I'm thinking about it and I'm appreciative of the opportunity. - sorry to be vague, but sometimes things need to be processed.
and it's moments like these that I am more concerned about the size of the planet being on the too-big-side, and us not being in the same city anymore. We have an amazing group of friends. sometimes I forget. sometimes I catch myself calling Indiana home.

in other thoughts, this year is coming to a close, thankfully. I wonder how memory will treat this one considering all that it entailed.

here's an original conspiracy theory I just thought up:

maybe I am completely off my rocker, but seriously...

The current economic "crisis" is staged; It's goal is to get more people to sign up for armed services, because re-instating the draft simply will not work. This way people are more likely to join willingly, instead of by force.
Maybe a bit of a stretch, but reading this - http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/12/03/college.costs/index.html - it clicked.

While I know this isn't completely true, I am sure we will see an increase in enrollment. The estrangement. Had this been due to outside forces, or had a scapegoat, be sure that there would be an invasion to be had. We don't have a convenient outsider to blame. Where is the call to arms? The accountability?

We, the choir, the armchair revolutionaries, will say I told you so, but that's as far as it (ever) goes.

last one for the night/month

"Tirelessly thought begins from new things, returning in a roundabout way to the same object. This continual pausing for breath is the mode most proper to the process of contemplation." Walter Benjamin, The Origin of the German Tragic Drama

"Only he who can view his past as an abortion sprung from compulsion and need can use it to full advantage in every present. For what one has lived is at best comparable to a beautiful statue that has had all its limbs broken off in transit, and now yields nothing but the precious block out of which the image of one's future must be hewn." Walter Benjamin - One Way Street.

some things I found/heard/read/saw recently

- The mediator between the head and hands must be the heart.
- People spoke the same language but could not understand each other.


"Who said that time heals all wounds? It would be better to say that time heals everything except wounds. With time, the hurt of separation loses it's real limits. With time, the desired body has already ceased to exist for the other, then what remains is a disembodied wound." - Samura Koichi

I admit, I'm part slacker, but also, I tend to take on WAY too many self imposed projects, hardly ever finishing any of them. You're more than welcome to give me a little push, or even a full on righteous kick in the ass, I probably need it and even more so, deserve it.

so tonight, I'm going to keep this window open to remind myself to get some things done. maybe like a gentle nudge.

- I started and finished an art piece - http://flickr.com/photos/excabyss/3066767117/ - I dunno what to call them yet, I do know where I'd like to end up, and til then I'll just keep experimenting - roughly once a month or so.

and I stayed up a lot later than I wanted to talking to my sister - we still are talking. and it's been kinda amazing. She rules, so much, THE best sister in the world. I'd fight you over it and you'd lose.

and I also ordered 5 books - 3 Walter Benjamin, Let the Right One In, and The People of Paper.

a few days ago, I posted three videos from the first reunion show DLA played, we didn't get any footage from the other shows. I mentioned I'd try to fix the audio, well I did, and it was really distorted - I hope to get Keith's footage and hope it's a little better and I'll edit something. I really tried to edit Rob's footage, but the audio is really really blown out, and picked up the bass way too much. normally I'd say, there's no such thing, but really, too much. But I really like the footage, well the look of it and so on. And tonight I added Misplaced I think it was from 176. 08/08/03; Ft Wayne @ the Freedom House - which ended up being the last show there, as far as I know/remember. We pulled out an old one for it. I tried to make us play an old one every time we played there - I think I realized how quickly we were approaching an end of an era. - PS I need to talk to damien/craig.
here are the videos - http://www.vimeo.com/user696585/videos

I sold my 8 track today and am planning on buying a different one - sometime soon. I've been trying to work with this one, and I just don't like it, and I can't edit the old stuff, so it's got to go. So hopefully I don't forget everything. I'm working on about 30 songs right now.

one of my new bands is starting tomorrow. we'll see how that goes.

also one of my teachers who is a doctor is really pushing me and a few kids I worked with on starting an organization based on our presentation. it's kind of amazing the degree she believes in us - but there's no way I can do that, right now. I guess we're going to do some things and see how realistic would be.

sorry my posts have been so all over the place, but this is really an accurate picture of my head and life right now. I hope to get more focused and tell some stories and other essays and such.

I ain't missing you at all.

Last night (Saturday, November 22), someone not tied to my past what-so-ever and having no idea of my old nickname, which struck me as semi-out of the blue, called me grandpa. I suppose that it is my fate and it will continue to follow me around. But it really makes me wonder, am I really that old and/or grumpy? I'd like to pretend I earned this nickname through my wisdom, and amazing advice.

Tonight (Sunday, November 23), I went to a show and was spoiled with great company, gifts, free food, free drinks, free admission, and on top of all that, Towers played an amazing set, one of my faves from them.

I don't know where I stand in so many areas of life. right now I'm thinking about a few individuals. With one in particular I have been interacting with a lot and I'm getting really comfortable with having that person around, even if it's just me talking that persons ear off, which leads me to think I'm going to develop stronger feelings, which will lead to disappointment, I already know, but I can see it happening all the same. I'll admit it, it was the same person that called me grandpa on Saturday night. Another person I haven't had any contact with for a long time and that makes me even more bitter than I already was (adding to my grumpy nature, and overall grandpa-ishness). Another individual I had around a lot over summer and I miss a lot more than I expected. There are a few others that I miss a lot. There are two specific people that I am anxious for their arrival.
Can I be any more vague?

I picked up Rob's video footage that he shot of our first reunion show, from the end of August - the audio is not good, the video is great - it made me miss the boys sooooooooo much. we played a lot better than I thought we did. I might be able to fix the audio or something to share it. if nothing else it will add some alternate angles if I ever get Keith's footage.

I'm cold and tired and missing you.

Get Hustle

Get Hustle is this band that is still active from Portland. Here are their first releases - almost 10 years old. I don't think they are in print anymore. GSL had talked about releasing them on a CD but, sadly they closed their doors earlier last year.
Their first 2 releases were not as bordering on the free jazz territory their more recent material seems to flirt with.

Get Hustle first lp and 7"
Satan Be Gone is one of my all time favorite songs. There is something really amazingly sexy that is captured in this song. It feels like a throwback to old jazz around the birth of R&B and such. Also I've Got A Gun and I'm Excited is pretty sweet.

I saw Get Hustle and Joan of Arc at the Volcano Room, in Indianapolis in... it had to have been 2000, I can't remember. Amazing live band. Both of them at that time were awesome. it was an odd pairing, but rad.

Ron Avila was in Antioch Arrow, Holy Molar + some other bands that were ok, at least at the time. I'm not sure about the other members, but you know... it matters.

700 trillion says he will keep the change

Sure it's easy to be critical, but that is such a necessary part of what keeps things progressing.

I came across the following doing some research on a paper I need to finish on Robert Jensen's article "The Greatest Nation on Earth" - which is, in short, a critique of anyone, or any nation to claim that they are the greatest (individual or nation). Jensen claims anyone who states such is “either mentally unstable or he’s an asshole” he goes on to say these claims are "depraved and dangerous."

I would disagree and point to Muhammad Ali. It's subjective, of course. I also feel one of the greatest tragedies to ever occur is the assassination of Malcolm X. It's something I always come back to for inspiration - his level of personal change that he accomplished during his lifetime, is by far a perfect example of our potential for greatness. Anyway, I'm off topic, kinda... change, greatness, and so on...

Robert Jensen is a respected journalism professor at the Univesity of Texas at Austin, an author, and a political activist.

This comes in a later chapter of his book - "Citizens of the Empire: The Struggle to Claim Our Humanity"

"... the Soviet Union was a global military threat to our existence was a political weapon to frighten Americans into endorsing wars to suppress independent development in the Third World and accepting a permanent wartime economy. With the Soviet Union gone, American planners needed a new justification to keep the military machine running. International terrorism and threats from drug traffickers were tested as rationales during the 1980s as the Soviet threat receded. In the 1990s, talk of "humanitarian interventions" also became a justification for a bloated military that was far beyond the level needed for defense. On 9/11, the vague terrorism justification became tangible for everyone. So, even if nonmilitary approaches to terrorism are more viable, the rationale for ever larger defense spending was set."

It IS time for a change.
What's the old cliche about a sinking ship and taking in more water than you can bail out?

art, truth, and death.

"The Truth is always an abyss. Man is condemned not to die, but to live. I'm fighting the most hopeless battle there is."
"Against whom?" I ask.
"Against myself."
- Kafka to a friend

"We have art in order to not die of truth."
- Nietzsche

Carol

Carol was this band from Germany. I don't know too much about them.
They are somehow tied with the whole Bremen scene and the bands Acme, Systral, Minon, Metöke, and Mörser.

as an aside:
I saw Mörser at Columbus fest a few years ago - the one with those total bullshit safe spaces, I think 1999. Whatever. Pretty funny and good sense of humor, and there were a lot of members in the band. 2 guitarists, 2 bass players, 3 singers and a drummer.

here are 5 songs that are out of print and hard to find of, as far as I know, all of their recorded output. I have at one time or another heard they had some unreleased stuff, but rumors run amok.
Carol - 5 Songs

I've got nothing. Come back some other time.

I fixed the files for Fragments For Walter Benjamin. I broke it up into 4 parts. I tried to edit it in sections that made sense, but I didn't want to spend that much time on it. I really encourage my friends to watch this.

Two releases for the label are planned.
First is Morrow's first full length. we're doing a limited run on cd and hope that it gets picked up by another label. then I'll press the vinyl.
Second is a tribute record to Dinosaur Jr's You're Living All Over Me. bands include, Morrow, me (haven't decided on the name), Skything, Algernon Cadwallader, Drowning With Our Anchors + more TBA. we have 5 of the 9 songs accounted for. This will not be out until around my birthday. I haven't decided the medium either.

I don't know about my travel plans to visit everyone. I'm going to Hawaii in February for a few days. In May/June I might be going to Japan with a band, more details will be announced and stuff soon. So next year, it might be everyone coming to see me.

Never go into things with high expectations. I should remember this, but I was so stoked on the movie, Let The Right One In - it didn't disappoint, but I wanted more devastation, more loneliness, more alienation. It's still all of these things, just not what I expected.

I keep forgetting to mention that I named the song the Morrow (from Dead Letter Auction's last 5 songs) after the movie Gattaca (which is one of my favorites) - Michael Nyman who did the amazing soundtrack for that movie, also had a song called the Morrow. This was named after Jerome Morrow (Jude Law's character). I would like to think that the band Jerome's Dream was also related to this movie, even though I only like 1/2 of one of their songs (untitled number 2). Jarod named his band Morrow, after the DLA song. So you can see the tracing of an impact. However insignificant you think you are, might have been, it lasts lifetimes, and goes far beyond your immediate understanding. People you'll never even meet, will be influenced by something someone else was influenced by.

Anyway, midterms, up to my neck in work, which I need to get back to.

random thoughts

"To the person who thinks with his head life is a comedy. To those who think with their feelings, or work through their feelings, life is a tragedy."
- Henry Miller

it's Halloween. I don't remember what I did last year, or the year before... I haven't cared since I was a young kid.

The death of mystery. This year, I've been doing a lot of that, murdering mystery. Take for example time travel. It's just not worth it, you can't change anything, but these things change you.

My mind is seriously messy. Near exhaustion / burnt out.

I had so many things I meant to say or do... save it for later, if it comes back to me.

Fragments for Walter Benjamin

Walter Bendix Schönflies Benjamin (July 15, 1892 – September 27, 1940) was a German-Jewish writer that wrote many essays, critiques, memoirs, letters, and short stories. He also translated many works, and was a philosopher that was associated with the Frankfurt School (basically, a perfect human being).

I came across this movie, "One Way Street: Fragments for Walter Benjamin" trying to find out how to buy the documentary "Who Killed Walter Benjamin" - a ridiculously expensive movie - but don't worry, I bought it.

This movie runs 58 minutes and has kinda cheesy scenes, but what's to be expected from 1992?
I will definitely watch it a few times, to get more out of it, I was really excited that the initial viewing was more caught in the moment of being giddy, rather than paying attention. Yes, I am that much of a nerd, that I nerd out, over nerd stuff.

I tried to do some research on the film, and results returned are from all over the place. Movies with the same name, shorter versions, different directors, different languages, different companies and so on. Which is fitting for the subject of the film.

The title is perfect as Walter left behind what many essentially call a perfect masterpiece, had it been completed.

I'm a little more interested in the other documentary "Who Killed Walter Benjamin" but haven't received it yet. I'll probably have a showing at my house when it arrives for me, my new roommates, and a few others.

anyway, I compressed this down into mp4 to share with my Frankfurt School professor I had over the summer. And if you're interested at all in anything Jewish, German, historical, or intellectual, or things that really, truly interest and move me - you can watch it too. Be warned, it will take a good amount of time to download it.

One Way Street: Fragments For Walter Benjamin part 1
One Way Street: Fragments For Walter Benjamin part 2
One Way Street: Fragments For Walter Benjamin part 3
One Way Street: Fragments For Walter Benjamin part 4

- in the event anyone involved with this project has a problem with me sharing it, you need to re-read Walter Benjamin.

can I get a...?

regime change.
I'm pretty stoked on all 3 new roommates.
Just have to survive 2 more months.
A good test on my patience for sure.
Slightly related, I'm in the market for an air purifier.
My OCD is getting worse when it comes to cleanliness.
Lot's of info out there that doesn't really tell me much of anything.

I have a serious problem with buying books. This year I have bought well over 60 books, and spent more than $2000 - and I am not exaggerating. I continue to buy them, even though I don't have time to read them.

Projects continue to pile up!
I am releasing at least one record VERY soon. I will make announcements when it's ok to do so. There are some more releases that are down the road a bit. And a slight possibility of something that would be the most amazing thing ever, well for me.

in context:
what you were and what you are, are two very distinct and very different things.

unrelated:
stop existing as a distraction.

listening:
last.fm/user/DamianHade

reading:
Walter Benjamin and Max Horkheimer until I have read everything they have published. Anything not translated, I will do myself.

watching:
the same movies over and over again (when movies go completely digital, and the TV is hooked up through the internet you'll see - make this website now, get ahead of the game).

living:
all over me

out of context:
I misuse you

related:
no one specific

it's like learning a new language

oh man.
impulsivity at it's finest, I re-launched the website (as previously mentioned). It's fun looking back at all that stuff that was so long ago. I forget about some of the reviews some of the releases received. I also have to relearn all the web programming languages, and apparently there are some new ones out there. I do have a lot of things I need to get up there.

and speaking of languages, I'm struggling with German. Well not really, actually.
It's not that hard, it's just I need to dedicate more time.
I don't really like my professor's overall approach, I like aspects, but, eh... I also really dislike the book Hunter uses, a few members of the German Department wrote it themselves, and frankly, it's not very good. I've been picking up other books here and there, and they are far more helpful. Though typically they are a slightly different dialect, so it doesn't really help me in my class. Maybe I should actually focus on school instead of my other studies, artwork, and other writings.

I have officially stepped down as Marketing Director from my job, and am now just general awesome assistant / marketing coordinator. I really hope this allows me to chill out and have more time for breathing, visiting, reading, writing.

I'm also interviewing people to move in. One room available to replace the bartender that was never here. In January the couple is out, and a friend from Miami moves in.
So that leaves one more room to fill in January. Kinda excited about this.

I keep trying to find my footing in relation to establishing foundations of many things. I am impatient, and want to get there. This is applicable to so many endeavors in my life. I want to get into the heart of the subjects, getting into more theoretical aspects. While this is super frustrating I recognize the importance of foundations. At the same time, often times, these foundations are common sense, therefor making me even more impatient, wanting to skip over a lot of important material.

Google Analytics has been providing some interesting returns on visitors from all over the world. it's kinda crazy how specific it gets. I can tell which of my friends are or are not reading this, and how regularly they check in. it goes back to a previous entry where I touched on the thought I had on the internet as the panopticon.

Help is always on the way.

excursionsintotheabyss.com relaunched!

so I relaunched the site today.
I'm still going to be using this as a blog.
The label things will be back up in their proper order,
everything will be working by the end of the year.

I did upload a folder of 15 songs by post DLA bands I was in; Arrows, Optics, Our Past Projects, and a few solo songs by me. and some other media.

www.excursionsintotheabyss.com.

Maps

one of the many projects I've been working on is a map of all the places I've ever played.
It's related to the list of shows post.

Google map, of all the places I've played.

It's nowhere near even complete, and barely even started actually, so it shouldn't read "all the places I've played" - but maybe I'll finish it, someday.
It does have all the Cataract Falls and Red Heroine shows done. A few each for Drowning With Our Anchors, and Dead Letter Auction.
Where possible, I noted exact address / venue.
Sometimes we played in the same venue multiple times.

With friends like these, who wouldn't need friends?

Somewhat inspired by Craig's post on his blog and listening to Gogogo Airheart's Love My Life, Hate My Friends as well as some of Jeremy's new photos ...

I'm pretty proud of 99% of my friends' accomplishments.
I've surrounded myself with creative and intelligent people, intentionally.
I think, despite our distances, we feed quite well off each other, even to this day.

Most of all, I'm proudest of the ones I have been closest with. Coincidentally or not, at one time or another we were all in some form of band or music project, or at least one step away from doing so, ie I never actually played music with Damien, but he was in Mortadusk with Craig, and Craig was in Arrows/the last incarnation of Dead Letter Auction, we also had a few other bands that didn't take flight. Also all the boys in Philly (Towers, Peter & Craig, Algernon Cadwallader, etc), we haven't worked together directly yet, but Greg Fowler was in a band that had members of Burial Year, and Josh was in Burial Year, as well as in Dead Letter Auction, a few times, and I was in Drowning With Our Anchors.

Jarod has been in a band called Morrow for quite some time.
I have a press release I'm finishing up with the band that I'll post here, once completed. I've had the full length for a few months now, and can't wait for it's release. It's nothing short of genius, beautiful, heartfelt, honest, and amazing. It makes me pretty excited about music in general again, and that's getting harder and harder to do these days. I will probably be pushing it pretty heavily. I've made mention of it a few times. Jarod recently hinted at us working together really soon again. We have started doing some artwork collaborations through the mail.

Josh has a new band, he sent me a song from a practice, and it's amazing. I believe it's called Pills. It's with Steve Middlekauff, whom incidentally was at a Red Heroine show in Ann Arbor (04.06.01; Ann Arbor, MI; the Pirate House). And at that show a friend of Steve's gave us a free drum set, which of course, caused many fights amongst that band (as if we needed any more reasons to fight). Josh asked me to move to San Francisco to play bass for it, and while tempting, I can't leave New York, yet - I'll get to why eventually on here, and it's not solely school related. Drowning with our Anchors is still rocking it, they are touring Europe next year.

I'm anxious and hopeful that Craig (Phillips) will start a new band with Damien during their time in Portland.

I've become rather close with Portraits of Past, which is strange is some ways. There is talk of them touring Japan and Europe in the summer. They are playing Dude Fest '09, and that means I'm actually going back to Indiana for that.

There are a few others that I'm super proud of, and we'll get to them, someday.

I'm in the process of writing some actual stories that look back at the history of some of these projects, (as well as updating/finishing the few already shared) and look forward to sharing them soon.

The medium is the message

The new computer arrived this morning.
I was so excited about it, that it caused me to be 2 hours late for work. Way to go technology. I was under the impression you were supposed to make things run smoother, more efficiently, in turn making me on time.
I am currently organizing my pictures and movie files, music is already done, for now. I have to redo quite a lot of the things I thought were finished for the video project I have been working on and off and on again for the past 5 years. It's partly why I bought this thing. Good memories in the videos and photos. I found a few gems that I had long forgotten about (multiple years forgotten).

I can't help but think of the few Marx essays I've read in connection with the collapse of many economic systems around the world. I only hope for accountability for accountants, CEOs, etc, essentially. Whatever, I'm keeping the system afloat, with all these new technological purchases, yet I actually want to see it fail.

I've been doing research for an essay on love. Recently, I have found some interesting things connecting depression, OCD, and addiction, to love. Which makes absolutely perfect sense to me. Anyone who knows anything about me knows I fall in love fairly easily - though it's been a while, well just a little more than a year and a half, that's not so long, and almosts never count, and neither do objects, nor do previous positions held. Anyway, point being, it's interesting to say the least, but not something that one doesn't inherently know or understand.

Speaking of critical analysis, I also want to work on this long standing thesis I've had on the failings of punk rock. I was listening to some older stuff, a band called Life's Blood (pre-Born Against), in particular, and just was really turned off by the production first and foremost (could you imagine if Minor Threat had such shitty production, no one would have become straight edge). The message I think they were going for lead me to be reminded of other bands from that era, and their talk of revolution, etc. Revolution my ass. The message is the medium, the medium is the message. How something as intense, interesting, intelligent, and critical of a message punk has as a whole, gets construed for laziness and drunkenness, is beyond me. Right, you sure are showing the man, you showed 'em real good. By no means am I not saying have fun, etc. but these things don't equate.

Another scholarship was sent to me today. It's kinda amazing.

Longing for returns.

the good, the bad

well the 8 track arrived this morning.
but get this, it only has one tape speed at 9.5, instead of having both tape speeds, the other being 4.8. I only recorded 2 things at 9.5 in my life. so it's almost worthless. However, a friend said I could borrow his to go through the tapes. He's a jackass, cause he knows I've been wanting to do this for a long time, he could have saved me a bit of change. so we'll see if that works out, if not I'm kinda determined, so I'll probably just buy another one.
I will start demoing new stuff this weekend.

Oh, I got another raise today!

anywho...
Craig, let me know if you're safely settled in Portland.
I have some wicked travel plans for winter break and then a huge announcement for summer.

There are other things, I'll share them later...

yes cheating to fulfill self imposed regulations.

is this really completion?
does it really count?

oh cryptic messages to unlistening ears.
conversations could complete these thoughts.

"so where are you now"

completely isolated, and has absolutely nothing to do with my purchasing of an 8 track, in fact he doesn't even know about my blog, Chris called me tonight to inform me that he is backing up all of his dats etc and found me and Jarod's first recording session from 1997, and he is going to send that to me. This has been lost for a long time. We did release the acoustic version of "Housebroken" on his benefit compilation cd "East Timor" - which raises a lot of issues in it self. maybe I'll get there and point out what should be obvious - but anyway, we recorded 4 or 5 other songs. at least one other one I might be proud of. it's hard to remember that long ago. anyway, once I get it, I may or may not share it with you. 'til then, take care.

quota

Sometimes I think I am surrounded by insects masquerading as men for some diabolical reason ... Henry Miller.

self service

I have (finally) purchased an 8 track cassette recorder. Actually it is the last model that was in production before it all went digital, which is to say, multi-track cassette recorders are no longer being made. It should arrive later this week. I'm finally going to go through a lot of my old tapes; a few of you have seen the box of recorded material I have, and know this will be a task, some of it goes back 15 years. There are some really fun things in that box, some I'm sure I will cringe at and even destroy, I hope to find a few specific things. I'm going to finish the Rebellion's New Idol stuff and get that sent out before the end of the year. And since bringing it up a few weeks ago, I'm anxious to listen to the xcongressofthecrowx tape for the first time since recording it. Also, this will lead to me getting some demos done of some of my newer stuff. I am pretty excited about all of this, hence this post.

Now that my laptop has officially crapped out on me (the logic board is dead), I have a new computer coming later this week. So hopefully I get to some of the video stuff I started work on a few years ago, among other things.

I just got offered a nice scholarship for making the Dean's List. There are a few things I have to figure out, but will pretty much cover all of my expenses and then some.

With that, I leave asking that you continue learning and not just things that have to do with your job(s), or life lessons accidentally learned; please be in pursuit, passionately.

fragmented

... in vain attempts to quantify exaltation, and every escaped occurrence of these utterances fail. Truth does not exist in this realm; go ahead and tell another lie.

taken out of context to paint a picture

It's the inside of a watch functioning perfectly in an incredible chaos.

They are cruel in the way children are cruel. They walk over you to reach for a new toy...

To speak well one must have an appreciative audience.

Somewhere there is a leak in you. Until it is repaired you can never become the great human being which you are.

A little sympathy, that's what's needed. Better to be wrong, better to be unjust, than to turn your back on sympathy.

He is interested in the theory of medicine, not the art of therapy.

all taken from Aller Retour New York, by Henry Miller.

Red HeroiNe

I don't remember much at this point.
well that's not true (I just don't know how much you don't care to know).
it was summer 2000.
Jeremy, Eddie and I had a band called xcongressofthecrowx. (congress of the crow is a sexual position, I'm sure I tried to teach it to you at some point). we were a straightedge band. The three of us were supposed to share vocal duties, but it really came down to me doing it. I wasn't that into it, I mean it was fun, but I wanted to play and not have to worry about yelling and such, considering I decided I didn't want to scream in bands anymore, and I had Dead Letter Auction (well actually at that point I think we were on a break). We recorded and released an eight song demo limited to 20. Well Jeremy did all of this. I actually didn't want it released. But anyway.
So, with fall approaching, John Cheesebrew was added to the fold. John has never been straight edge. So we changed the name to red heroine.
we adopted a few xcongressofthecrowx songs and built on the sound. oddly enough we fit in perfectly with the other bands that were coming out of Indiana at the time (and in many cases are far superior and hold up way better than they do), though we had nothing to do with them, and didn't even really like them as people or even musically. we really did call our music "aftermath rock" (a play on the "mathrock" label (attributed to weird time signatures), as well as an homage to dr dre, as well as aftermath being chaos, etc) and "eddiemetal" (a play on heavy metal as well as an homage to Iron Maiden, as well as our band member). I was doing a noise project at the time called, The Rebellion's New Idol (I'm not going to explain this one, but in part, there's a bit part homage to Star Wars (before it started sucking)), and we really wanted to add elements of that (hence the end of the last track of the Mangus Meets His End cd - the noise throughout the cd was intentionally added by mike dixon - though I do believe he edited parts from our noise movement). I think if we had continued we would have added even more of that aspect. (in fact I have some tapes of me and Eddie making noise pieces) (I really need to get a 4 track to edit/digitize some of these things).

at some point, John McCormick joined the band on 2nd guitar (unfortunately, you can barely hear him on the live track).

honestly we were a really dysfunctional band. we didn't really get along with each other. there were major 2 way cliques amongst us. Some people would say Jeremy was the worst drummer they had ever seen (I tried really hard to shelter him from these comments, and they obviously never saw skullyard (of which, I was the drummer)). we would fight each other on and off stage and all that. totally ridiculous. on the tour, John (mccormick) and I took our own van to avoid the other boys as much as possible. this ensued in insane highway hijinks that make Quentin Tarantino look like an amateur.

but whatever, we had a lot of fun, we played a few shows (you can follow the following link to see them - list of shows). recorded twice with Mike Dixon, once in Bloomington (mangus meets his end). Once in the Psi Ote Barn in Northside park (the 2 unreleased songs). and we had one song we didn't record (but a live version is included in the download, it's from our second to last show, at the YWCA before Kim opened and closed her record shop, Convolution Records).

so here's all 10 songs:
red heroine discography
and here are some photos

yes this post is full of jackassery and it is dedicated to Craig (he was in a band called Mortadusk that ruled Fort Wayne more than any other band EVER [and someone really should do it to him already]), he requested the red heroine stuff today via a facebook message, and I've been meaning to do this for Jeremy for about 3.5 years.

Excavation and Memory

Language has unmistakably made plain that memory is not an instrument for exploring the past, but rather a medium. It is the medium of that which is experienced, just as earth is the medium in which ancient cities lie buried. He who seeks to approach his own buried past must not be afraid to return again and again to the same matter; to scatter it as one scatters earth, to turn it over as one turns over the soil. For the "matter itself" is no more than the strata which yield their long-sought secrets only to the most meticulous investigation. That is to say, they yield those images that, severed from all earlier associations, reside as treasures in the sober rooms of our later insights - like torsos in a collector's gallery. It is undoubtedly useful to plan excavations methodically. Yet no less indispensable is the cautious probing of the spade in the dark loam. And the man who merely makes an inventory of his findings, while failing to establish the exact location of where in today's ground the ancient treasures have been stored up, cheats himself of his richest prize. In this sense, for authentic memories, it is far less important that the investigator report on them than that he mark, quite precisely, the site where he gained possession of them. Epic and rhapsodic in the strictest sense, genuine memory must therefore yield an image of the person who remembers, in the same way a good archaeological report only informs us about the strata from which its findings originate, but also gives an account of the strata which first had to be broken through.
Walter Benjamin - Selected Writings Volume 2:2 1927-1934

a day old(er)

I woke up early. too early.
familiarity.

class is ok. actually, no it's not. this class and one other specifically have some really down right stupid people in attendance. fine, people have their stories and opinions, but please don't speak aloud about things you are clearly wrong about. it's just unacceptable and it's a waste of money.

I agree to meet a familiar face for some errands.
late arrival, as usual.
I expected this.
walk to the East River for a seat. we talk about moms, well not mine.
I am being vague and avoiding, here, as well as then.
Run into another face.
what are you up to.
work and school.
oh what for.
well, teaching.
yeah, that makes perfect and total sense.
I know, that's what everyone tells me. It's something I've always wanted to do.
yeah, it suits you.

part ways with familiar faces.
return.
I attempt to write and do homework.
instead I fall asleep.

Meet a friend and his friend to go to the Dreamhouse, per another friend's suggestion.
We arrive, it's closed. I had my suspicions of this ahead of time. Yet took no action to confirm. (it re-opens on the 20th of September).
What now?
He "Hey let's walk around"
Me "OK"
The three of us end up in Soho. there's a Street Fair.
She's home.
Shadows.
Last year she described this as a scene out of "Blade Runner." to an extent, I see where she was coming from and even agree.
Shook off the dust and moved onward.
Just outside of where she and I had one of our first dates to see an old friend drunkly shout out some songs (oh what a night that was in itself!); current company and I were supposed to play here with our old bands - that didn't work out, we're both too lazy and don't care enough, and this venue didn't get it. All of a sudden someone is shouting her name, repeatedly and loudly. My heart sinks again, but it's not her, just coincidence. Of course. Yet again.
when it rains it pours.

The three of us walked the Williamsburg Bridge. I did this one other time, and it had everything to do with her; I had to walk the tension off after spending the day with her shopping, seeing a movie, touching, and flirting. Here and then each step lifting and adding unbearable weight. each step bringing me closer to and farther from.

I notice and remember these things and instantly regret I do.
at the same time, no I don't.

a few days ago, a friend and I were conversing about her friends heartache and that she was making baked goods to cheer him up. I use this opportunity to say I want baked goods as well. She tells me I'm obsessed, and I let out a laugh and too much information. yes perhaps. She meant that I always want free stuff and to be taken care of.
(m)ending.
I continue to wear it on my sleeves, at the very least, I still have one to wear.

A gust

I've fallen a bit behind on things, considering, I'm sure you'll forgive me.
With the passing of whatever holiday that just did so, I declare that Summer is officially over. And what a way to end it!

It's hard to express just how much the last week of August meant to me. (the entire month actually - starting off in San Francisco visiting friends AND seeing Portraits of Past, then Liann and Sara being here, then the boys arriving - though I could have done without the news from home).

I finished another class with a B. I guess that's fine because I missed so many classes I should have failed, but I'm me. I hated the class and thought it was a huge waste of time, I felt that way about 2/3 of my summer classes; I took Health, Speech, and the Frankfurt School. Guess which one I adored?

I guess I should start with the fact that I love the members of Dead Letter Auction with all of my heart and soul. They are my best friends and I can say without hesitation that I love them unconditionally and would do whatever I could for them. So to get to play a few shows with them again was amazing, and even very much needed. I'm a little bummed John Cheesebrew couldn't make it, it would have been awesome to be able to play with both drummers at the same time; I always wanted that to happen.

Portraits of Past were a band that meant a lot to me. I listened to this record at least once a day for at least five years straight, and still revisit it quite regularly. It captures so much of how I felt musically, atmospherically, and especially lyrically. If I were younger I probably would quote certain passages here, but being older I realize one that's silly, two I don't think I can limit myself to a passage, and three I like lists. So for them to reunite, was kind of amazing. I am quite positive that I am the only person that caught all 5 reunion shows. I sat on stage for all five, like a dork, not out of entitlement, or selfishness, but out of a sense of needing to. A lot of people asked if Jonah and I are brothers, his actual brother looks nothing like him.

In the few days leading up to the shows, a local New Yorker posted a picture of a roommate of xxxx. Weird to say the least. He and I had a few messages back and forth, but left it at, I am not interested in hearing about her this way, or in this light. I like my memories of us, and I'm going to keep them. nine months ago, nine months prior to that and I never even knew of such things. A shadow of a former self.

Jarod and John arrived much earlier than Chris. We hung out, went to some parties, caused some trouble. I touched Nora Jones' hand and arm. The boys and I told stories, laughed, and I nearly cried almost every night (it's me, of course this happened).
When Chris arrived we went straight to practice, it was awkward for some reason, not because of Chris, but because it was so late and we were all somewhat exhausted already.

The shows themselves were a lot of fun. I am convinced that every other show we ever played was good, then bad, then awesome. ie we played Wednesday it was good. Thursday was awful, Friday was awesome - I couldn't have asked for a better show, aside from some friends and other certain people being there. You know who you are. I do. There were a few "indie rock celebrities" at our shows, but they didn't do anything for me. they don't move me like you do. After the show on Friday, a younger man approached me and said "I've been waiting years to see you guys play, thank you so much" I didn't know what to say, a part of me thought maybe he thought I was Jonah, but knew that wasn't true as they hadn't played yet, and we don't really look that much alike, I just don't always believe these things (but we all know how I hold on to them) "Man, you totally just blew my mind, THANK YOU." It was already all worth it on so many levels, but this is awesome.
It was well documented in pictures, however video was only taken at the first show; with 2 cameras. I lost my voice the first night. so the second two shows were interesting, so maybe it's good that they were not filmed.
I dunno, it made me miss being in a band, and I guess I'm going to try harder to get one going again. Then again, when you've had what you wanted, why go chasing for something else? I have plans, but I need to realize life is short and I can't possibly accomplish all of these things.

I crashed hard after everyone left. All of a sudden, I wake up and there's no one to cook for, no one to entertain, no one to distract me. I've been off medication for about 2 months now. These first few days have been hard at moments, but I think I'm in a much better place. Sure I still have OCD tendencies that focus on aspects that I don't understand. I wish I was the type that was more concerned with being more organized, because my apartment and room are a mess from being awesome, but no, I'm cursed with obsessing over memories etc. Someday I'll admit to these things thoroughly, 'til then we're both left with just a thought.

and back to school.
after German class I went back to work. Lou Reed, John Zorn, and Mike Patton played a show. weird. Mike is a friend of friends, but I didn't want to be bothered with him. both Macaulay and Kieran Culkin were drinking in the office with me and other coworkers, I think my mom would be impressed.

I'm skipping class to write this, one because I don't know where today's class meets, two I had to do laundry, three I need some time off to process everything, four yes that is what this is. five, I still like lists. I imagine I will revisit this and edit it. speaking of I have to add some shows to the list of shows I have played.